i wonder if you'll notice if they locked me up and threw away the key. you've gotta be open minded, you've got alot to learn in the ways of me. you've always got to something to say, i'm none of your concern but you won't listen at all. you know i'd rather saying nothing and just be proud of myself, i'm tearing down these walls. when you fall, i'll be the only one who looks away. when you call, i'll be the first to tell you i can't stay. it's all over, i've found a better way to help keep you from me. i'm better off this way. you want it? you've got it. you've always been such a waste of time. you want it? you've got it. a friend of yours is no friend of mine. you want it? you've got it. when will you act your age? you want it? you've got it. you're the reason things have to change.

you and i are a story that never gets told.

so, i miss you all the time now. i don't think about much that isn't you, but other than that what we are does not feel like a cliche. it is something very completely new. they do not write books about the things we are. i like that. i like you. i like the way that you curve and bend and dip and arch and rise and fall, like a poem. i like the way you get drunk with your family, then come on msn to tell me i'm f-a-b. i like sitting in the passenger seat of your truck, it makes me feel like taylor swift. i like the muscle in your jaw that twitches when you sleep. i like trains, but they take so long to get to you. i like the way you dress. i like the way you undress. i like it when you lift my dress over my head, like they do in the movies, you know? i like having sex with you. i like the weight of you on top of me and i like the sweat that pools at the bottom of your back. i like writing with my fingertips on your skin all the things i cannot say. i always get lines from poems stuck in my head when you are around. yes - the springtime were in need of you. i like it when you sing. i like your hair - please don't grow it long again. i like who i am when i am with you. i like how you make me feel better. i am learning, i am. i like how you look at me and though i wish i did not, i love you.

i think this is the feeling i've been hiding from.

i don't know what it was, probably the song that was playing through my earphones, but i could see everything that's going to happen. this tense feeling between us will eventually die down, we'll move on from eachother and move onto something or someone different. we'll walk past eachother like we never knew eachother, we'll have someone elses fingers between our own. we'll be kissing different lips, we'll be whispering love words to different ears in different beds. we won't be eachothers. we'll move on, and i think that is the scariest of all.

now it's your turn to cry over me.

new phone, new number, new haircut, my birthday's coming up and i plan on changing my bedroom around completely. i'm re-creating myself, i'm changing myself. i will breathe without feeling guilty, i will go to bed without breaking down like i have the past week, i will walk past you with a real smile on my face, i will be a new person. honestly, i'm distracting myself.

it's working and i'm happy because at the end of the day, you were the one that fucked everything up. not me.

my head throbs, my chest aches, my throat stings, my eyes are sunken. i hate you so much.

to you, and to me.

maybe it's not because i'm scared of him doing something to himself because of me anymore, but maybe i'm scared of being without him? or having to go through a day without him? or having to go to his funeral, because believe me i've had that thought too many times. i've been doing it for the past week, i don't know how i've held myself together for so long. (i don't, i just come home and collapse.)

the reason i look so tired all the time at school? i spend my nights crying and beating myself up over this.

i have to do this, and i hope you will eventually see why. i hope you grow up and see what you've lost. i hope you put yourself back together, not tear yourself apart even more. i hope you realise how you've hurt me, i hope you realise that us together right now in any shape or form, is not going to work and most of all i hope you realise that what you've done is not okay. you asked me to give you one more chance. "just one more chance and i will try my hardest not to fuck it up and if i do ever hurt you as much as i have again, i want you to forget about me for awhile." you said it yourself, so i'm going to do it. i'm sick of being hurt and i'm sick of being lied to. i don't understand how someone can want someone else so much, but fucks everything up for them. because honestly, if you ever really loved me you would have stopped this long ago. if i had any real respect for myself, i would have done this long ago. apart of me is breaking even more because i'm not going to have you around, but another part of me is screaming "fuck you."

you were amazing.

we did amazing things.

deion mottram, go fuck yourself.

"are you still upset with me?"
"yes."
"and why would that be?"
"because i don't like being treated like shit."
"oh and you think you've been treating me like a king? noo, think about me aye. :)"

when i read that text message, my heart started beating so fast. i clenched my fists, i couldn't even think properly and i pegged my phone into a wall. you make my blood boil, you make my head spin, you make me wish i never laid eyes on you. believe me when i say, if i could go back and change something i would change everything. i would have broken up with you when you first hit me, when you tripped me over, i would have broken up with you with you had a bitch about me hugging and hanging out with my friends because after that you went and let your girl friends sit on your lap and play with your hair, i would have broken up with you after the first time you made me cry, i would have fucking done it so long ago. how dare you say i haven't done ANYTHING for you, you'll fucking regret saying that, i promise you. how dare you tell ME to get over MYSELF. how dare you think this is something it's not. you've lied to me, you've broken me, you've destroyed me from the inside, out. you've made me hurt myself, you've made me think that i don't deserve to see the light of day some days, you've made me feel the lowest i have ever. and for that, never again. i texted you about an hour ago saying "i haven't fucking done ANYTHING." i'm still waiting on the reply, you peice of shit. let's see what you've got to say now.

if you think that a kiss is all in the lips, come on, you've got it all wrong man. if you think that the dance is all in hips, oh well, then do the twist. if you think holding hands is all in the fingers, grab hold of the soul where the memory lingers and make sure to never do it with the singer 'cause he'll tell everyone in the world.

i don't trust you, i don't believe you and you will never get the chance to call me yours ever again.

i am so angry and so frustrated with you. i've thought about spending all the money i've saved up over the past two years that i plan on using to see you with, on myself. but i realised that i would feel worse and even further away from you.

i didn't give you chance after chance just so you could turn around and do the same thing. you do little things that hurt me and annoy me, but i can deal with that because i'm starting to give you your own medicine, and now it doesn't bother me to see you hurt because of me. but if you ever hurt like you have again, i'll do exactly what you asked me to. i'll forget about you for awhile. you hurt me, i hurt you. i think that's fair.

why am i mad at you? because you said you would always be here for me and then you fucked off. don't start with the piss weak excuses. "i wanted to give you space, i wasn't sure what you wanted me to do, i didn't want to see you get hurt again." what the fuck? i want someone to throw me down, looking me in the eye and tell me excatly what i mean to them. i wouldn't walk away if you didn't make it so easy to.