drink your coffee black. download music illegally from the internet. flirt with the people you wish you had fucked when you had the chance. no one is going to stop you. call the kettle black, sleep late and dissapoint everyone. phone up that person you left, because they actually did mean something. or, confide in your cat and make some hot chocotale. these are your choices, this is your life.

“you know what’s wrong with you, miss whoever-you-are? you’re chicken, you’ve got no guts. you’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, “okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.” you call yourself a free spirit, a “wild thing,” and you’re terrified somebody’s gonna stick you in a cage. well baby, you’re already in that cage. you built it yourself. and it’s not bounded in the west by tulip, texas, or in the east by somali-land. it’s wherever you go. because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

"make them wonder why you’re still smiling.” - elizabeth town.

i like how you listen.

today in class you told me about how depressed you were and how you wouldn't tell anyone about what you did, someone would just find you. you kept talking but all i could think was how glad i was that no one found me.

i just told you everything and you don't even live in the same country as me. i just told you everything about how i'm feeling and you can't do anything about it and you can't make me feel better. you may annoy the shit out of me but i adore you because of how you make me smile, how you made me realise how much i'm worth and how what i deserve. the day you told me about what happened when you were thirteen is burnt into my mind and i hate it. remember when we would come home from our own horrible days and make each other feel better? yeah, i miss that.

always.

there's a constant battle everyday i have in my mind. "emmylou, you're not worth anything. you're really not all that great." then something else says "shut the fuck up, you'll find it." but i still hear the "you're not all that great." always.

i don't care about you? how could you say that when i've been pushing everything aside just to try and fix our relationship. when you sit there at recess and just not say anything i always ask you if you're okay and you just nod. i try everyday to make you laugh and smile. you even asked me "what was the least favourite thing" about you and i said "you don't smile a lot." i don't know what else i'm supposed to do or say so how about you fucking tell me. you can't just tell me i make you angry sometimes, leave me hanging over a cliff with my chest feeling like it's being stabbed repeatedly because honestly everytime you do this i feel like that. you need to tell me what's bothering you, things i do that piss you off because chances are there's things about you that are pissing me off. i'm not perfect and i'm not going to try and be.

for two years you constantly went on and on about how in love with me you were. the fact that i already had a boyfriend had no effect on you what so ever. you would just talk about us and all the things we would do if i was yours instead. and when you finally got me? we dated for a week and you ended up fucking up everything we had and cheating on me. i just don't get how someone can want something for so long, get it, then simply fuck around with it.

the strongest person i know.

my mum telling me that she was finally happy pulled my head in.

i love how people have different ways of expressing themselves. art, music, dance, film, photography, singing, writing. i see it around my school all the time and it facinates me so much.

sometimes i want to lie down with you for a night and tell you random things about me and i want you to do the same. just little random, innocent facts or habits or concerns. then maybe we could talk about things that make you smile and things that don't. your favourite food or the thing you're most insecure about. what you want to be when you're older and why. i want you to tell me about when you went to boarding school last year. i want to know if you're scared and what you're scared about. i want to know how many girls have hurt you. i want to know a secret of yours and i want to tell you these things of mine in return. but sometimes i'm scared.

get a job. walk to work. wear a suit and brown glossy shoes. paint your nails. wear black. never wear black. leave lipstick stains on cups. scribble poetry in the back of magazines. whistle in the elavator. smile on the subway. cut your hair. pin it in curls. take cold showers. never shower. wear five dollar perfume. stop reading magazines. lie about politics. change your name. buy water colours. work in black and white. take pictures. stop seeing. listen to buried records. listen to silence. donate everything. put yourself in new shoes. update your passport. leave this city. never look back. learn a new language. fall in love. break your heart. break a bone. watch death. touch old things. lose a friend. lose yourself. lose ten pounds. change. forget. never forget. lipstick. night air. tangerines and overriped plums. touch your toes. touch your lips. touch your heart and break it in half. pack your bags.

happy birthday.

i really wanted to be the reason for those dimples in your cheeks today. i really wanted to be the reason for that adorable smile and that chuckle you do that makes me light up inside, and i thought i did pretty good. i pushed aside my other feelings and ignored everything else i had going on. after i got on my bus you texted me and said 'thankyou for today.' i replied saying 'i really hope you did have a good day.' and you replied saying 'it could've been better.' i hope you have a good night with your friends tonight, i hope you win your basket ball game, i hope you smile more than you did with me today and i hope you might actually realise how you hurt me pretty much everyday. even though you ditched me on my birthday i tried to at least make you happy on yours. i guess i failed at that too.

you used to call me your dreamer.

there's part of me that would love to see you again. a part of me would catch a bus or two just to see you or bump into you around town so i can see those blue eyes of yours and i can't even stress enough about how anxious buses make me. there's a part of me that wants to bump into you just so i can hurt you. but even though i have mixed feelings towards you, even through the anger that my body could still possibly have for you, words i cannot gather to describe how much i miss you.

i need you to stay away from me. you can't just decide when you want to talk to me and when you don't. i'm sick of you sitting with me when you've got no one else and sulking. i don't care anymore, alright? i'm sick of you then bitching to me about how badly she's treating you, how she ignores you when her other friends are around. yet in maths today you didn't even glance over at me while i was sitting alone because you were laughing hysterically with your "best friend" who then ignored you next class. i'm not your toy, i'm not going to be used by you and i'm not going to sit back and listen to your shit. you're just an idiot, she does this to you all the time. i can recall more than three times when she's done this to you. when are you going to finally stand up for yourself? i don't care whether or not you're friends with her or not, i just care when i'm fucking ignored for her. i don't need you nor do i want you right now. grow a pair, stand up for yourself and leave me alone.

your boyfriend moved into the same class as you and my boyfriend simply because he doesn't trust you. to be honest, i wouldn't fucking trust you as far as i could throw you. i know what you're like and i know what you're most likely to do. i don't want to sound like a whiney, pathetic, jealous and annoying girlfriend but you're slut. before she came to our school again all you could say about her was that she was disgusting and a huge ganga. but now? she's not that bad, at least she can keep up a good conversation. now that they've broken up it gives her all the more chance to flirt and do god knows what else with you. i'm scared of what's going to happen between you and her.. i'm scared you're going to realise just how boring and how 'beautiful' i'm really not.

the fact that in pretty much two weeks we will have been together two months excites me, maybe a little too much. it makes me so happy. i love that i still get excited to hear from you, to get a text or a phone call from you. you're the first thing on my mind when i go to sleep and wake up. you don't annoy me, i actually always feel like i'm the annoying one by how much i want to be with you all the time. i don't think i could ever be sick of you. i love you and i may be sounding stupid and naive and i might just be getting myself into something i know will hurt me eventually? but i don't care right now.

if i thought about the people i've dated you would stand out like neon lights because what we have is simply so strange and so different to anything i've ever had with a boy. i don't need someone who's going to sit down with me everyday, hold my hand and have a deep conversation with. you're not like that, not like that at all. they way you treat me is different to any other way any guy has treated me. (honestly? i think if i ever let a boy treat me like you do i would kick him in the crotch.) you can be the biggest asshole at times, sometimes the things you say really hurt me and really make me cry. but you can also be really sweet, the things you say can make me laugh so hard. you haven't asked for my life story, you don't know much about me and that doesn't bother me. sometimes when i'm looking into your eyes i feel as if it isn't real. like i'm about to wake up or that as soon as i look away you wont be there. you are always on my mind: when i wake up, when i've just been with you, when i go to sleep. all. the time. it's hard for me to explain how much you mean to me.

idiot.

you of all people are in no position to judge the things i do or say. so what? all i EVER hear about you are negative things because you're a bad person. you're a bitch. you're an enormous pest. you're a trouble maker. you just make unescesary drama for no good reason. you try and break my friends friendships apart and you know what? i hope to god you're there on saturday because i've been wanting to say something to you for so long. sorry i didn't leave what i actually wanted to say because i'm afraid of you black mailing me and using what i say against you to the police. you're pathetic and the only reason you do what you do is because you can't take control of your own god damn actions, friends, huge mouth or life. grow up.

whenever someone judges you by your actions, rubs in your negativities and tries to make you hate yourself, remember that you are above them anyone else in this world. know yourself the best. people don’t tell you who you are, you tell them.

i can't stop thinking about it. about him.

i really love seeing people i went to mackillop with. not that anyone there even likes\liked me. but i met some really genuine people there. (i'm talking like, three people.) i love seeing them mostly because i want them to look at me and think "damn i was wrong about her." or "i should've gotten to know her." like the other day; i get off my bus and i'm walking through the shopping center and i see this guy who used to make me laugh until i was in stitches. he gave me a huge smile when ever i saw him and honestly, i always had feelings for him which i would never admit. we shared a smile and as he passed me he just said "long time no see." it made me want to cry. i remember when we had to do this activity and send everyone in our class anonymous letters with something positive we thought about them. so i walked up to him, and slipped my note into his enevelope and start talking to him. he said something like "gah, i can't think of anything to write about you. maybe i should write about how much of a bitch you are.." then he saw me going to say something back but then he laughed that really adorable chuckle and said "jokes! jokes!" and i smiled. then he picked up his pen and started writing "Emmylou, you always - " then looked up at me and told me to go away. so i laughed and walked off. then when he was done he put his note in my envelope and went back to his desk. i rumaged through my envelope and saw the note he was writing earlier on that day. "Emmylou, you always keep a smile." it was one of the highlights of that year. thinking back to then, i wouldn't have really called us friends. i wouldn't have rang him on the weekend to see if he wanted to hang out. i wouldn't have gone to him if i needed help. he was just there to joke and laugh with, but that's what i needed back then. then the next year everything changed. one of my best friends moved to a different state. the people i once shared a laugh with treated me like a stranger and everyone had changed into someone i couldn't recognise.

fuck. off.

i'm sick to death of you leaving smart ass comments on my facebook about what we USED to have. saying that i once loved you? what the fuck? i swear if you try to ruin this relationship of mine i wont ever forgive you. (like i should've in the first place.) he means a shit load to me more than you have in awhile. the fact that i wake up in the morning and instantly think of him and not you? makes me incredibly happy. i'm sick to death of you thinking you're shit hot just because you flirt with multiple girls and just because you try to hook up with multiple girls. i can bet anyone any amount of money that you're telling them each the same thing. that they're beautiful, that you would do absolutely anything for them to be yours. am i right? let me tell you something, you're really not all that great. you have no job, you don't go to school and you sit on your ass all day. oh plus you're fat and ugly and how you got 'laid' i am still stumped by. you're always going on about how you hate being single and how you just want a girlfriend. how about you stop fucking around with heaps of girls, get your act together and be faithful. it's not that fucking hard.

this isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions. this is the time to make mistakes. take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. fall in love.. alot. major in philosophy 'cause there's no way to make a career out of that. change your mind, and change it again. because nothing's permanent. so make as many mistakes as you can. that way, someday, when they ask us again what we want to be, we wont have to guess. we'll know.

i do but i don't. i do but i don't.

i believe that if you really, really want something? if you wish for it very hard? if you think about it all the time? if you try really hard to get it? then you will get it, regardless of anyting. i guess it's stupid, then again so am i. what a thing to believe, considering lots of things could be getting in your way or considering what you want isn't even real. the thing i've been wanting for so long? is to let you go and to forget about you. i don't want you to own my heart anymore. the reason i think i can't let you go is because parts of me don't want to. my memory is all i have left of you because you are never coming back to me, you will never change and you will never be who i thought you were. the reason i get so angry with myself is because i know i should let go, i know it's un healthy the ways i've been getting through the day with you on my mind. it's not that i'm still in love with you because i'm really not and it is most deffinatly not that i want you. i am just slowly letting you out of my system and writing about it helps. how does one person just all of a sudden forget about someone like you anyway?

life's a climb, but the view's great.

this semester i will:

be more understanding. think before i speak. stress less. not swear as much because of how ugly others look while doing it. stop being such a bitch. start being a better friend and a better girlfriend. stand up for others and myself. think happier. sourround myself with people who only make me happy. start new. be myself and embrace that. change my attitude.

i don't laugh or smile like i used to. i don't have the confidence i used to. my heart still aches from time to time, specially when i hear or see something that i know you would love or find hilarious. i trust one, maybe two people tops and i can't open up to anyone else because i'm scared they're going leave like you did. i'm not the same person you once knew, i've changed alot and i can honestly thank you for that in good and bad ways. you were right about so many things, even though you also spoke alot of bullshit. you walking away was the best thing you could've done, even though you put me through unexplainable pain? even though you just dropped everything we had and started ignoring me with no good explaination as to why? even though you were my one true best friend and even though i loved you? i found someone new, and although he's an asshole sometimes? i adore him. he makes me laugh, he makes me smile and best yet? he doesn't remind me of you. opening up to him has been one of the hardest things i've done lately.

"Emmylou, you're so amazing. nobody has made me laugh like this for a while. like actually cry. not just teary eyes. but cry of laughter. god i love you. you always make me know how to forget pathetic things that i don't need to worry about. now our memories won't fade. unlike some, i love our memories and our jokes." is this still true?

my whole body ached from being tackled by you, but the smile you gave me didn't. that day was wonderful.

where did you go?

you - did you know if in the future like 10 years someone comes up to me and says "who helped you through a hard time in your life?" i'd say "emmylou." - i wish you would talk to me like this again. i wish that you didn't have to lie. i wish you knew who i was again. i wish you were with me right now and i wish i didn't want that.

i don't actually, i wish i did though.

it makes my day to see those bump curve around your eyes.

that's what i don't understand. i know plenty of people who are darn right nasty, absolute bitches and usually for no good reason. yet they still have people that are dying to spend a day or two with them. people that will always put them before them selves. but me? i wouldn't think i'm that mean, i'm always open for new things and new people but and no ones made plans with me these holidays yet.

sometimes i get annoyed with my thoughts and want to be with you instead. because honestly being with you is so much better than thinking about you. this is the longest 'thing/relationship' i've had in awhile and even though you're an asshole? i love being able to say i'm yours.

wanting things that she shouldn't.

for the past few days we've spoken mostly about relationships. i'm waiting for you to bring up ours.

fuck this distance.

i want to be the glue that holds somones peices together. i was just sitting there thinking why am i feeling this way? why do i feel like i'm slipping again? why do i feel lonely when i have amazing people in my life that i love immensly. i don't want them to feel offended if they read this but i just don't feel close to them. i don't feel close to anyone and i haven't in awhile. i have someone i can go to about anything and trust with anything, but i literally feel as if there's a wall around myself that can't let anyone in. i want to tell someone everything, i want someone to get me like you did, i want to have a dnm with someone like we did. fucking hell sometimes i wish i never even met you. why did you have to make me like this? i hate how i am. this is all your fault and us being 'friends' is making this all worse.

c.h, d.m.

i was just about to blog about how angry it makes me feel that you're friends with her and how well you get along with her and not me. but then i realised i have you two. these two amazing and beautiful people in my life that i know if i call or text them they'll give me time out of their own days and tell me the things i need to get through the day. it's also a new day and i have a book to read. good day fuckers.

the first night without you was so lonley.

i cried the most at night, i missed you the most at night. because while everyone was dreaming, we were up talking about everything. you were the one telling me everything was going to be okay.

do you remember anything at all? you were going to be my date to formal, regardless of the rules, who i was with or if you were in school. once i was old enough you and i were going to go get tattoos and peircings. we were going to watch movies and get drunk together. we were going to lie in the grass and watch the clouds go past. do you remember the day i told you everything was falling apart and that all i wanted to do was run away? and you said 'come on, let's go. i will take you anywhere.' and i knew you weren't joking around. do you remember the promises, the deals, the fights, the inside jokes. do you remember how you made me cry, how you make me scream, how you made me laugh uncontrolably, how you made me smile like a madman, and better yet how alive you made me feel. with you, i felt like i could do anything, be anything, like i could jump off a building and still be okay. i always had my doubts and you were always the first to know and always the first to tell me i was full of shit. remember the night we kissed and what you said to me? do you even remember loving me?

it was nice that you sent me a song from 'our' old band because the last song the sent me from them was months ago but also a song i like to think it still valid in our friendship. that is still real. it was even nicer the way you acted when i told you i was 'moving to boarding school.'

every breathe you t.. as if i'd sing that song to you.

i don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours. i don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer. i don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine. i don't want to be adored for what i merely represent to you. i don't want to be your babysitter, you're a very big boy now. i don't want to be your mother, i didn't carry you in my womb for nine months. i don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon and i don't want to be your other half, i believe that one and one make two. i don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face at midnight. i don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together. i don't want to be your idol, see this pedestal is high and i'm afraid of heights. i don't want to be lived through. i don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week. i don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart and it's wounded beat. i don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling. what do you thank me, what do you thank me for? visiting hours are nine to five and if i show up at ten past six well i already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in.

today i just had the sudden urge to not talk to you anymore.

everytime we talk you just act like a complete dick. even last night when i was trying to talk about what happened to us, you were still being a dick. every conversation's the same. we are not going to become friends again and we are never going to be anywhere close to how we used to be. i don't need you anymore. i've accepted that.