Judging books.

Though I may be thin, I don't let anyone in but I can't help but let this begin. Though I maybe be cold and I feel I am growing old, please baby just come back home. I'm tired of feeling alone. Tell me how to let go. Love, I know you're doing fine. Your chapters end so well. Love, I love your welling eyes. They're happy, I can tell. Love, I know you'll be alright but I can't help but feel sorry. 'Cause love, your book will end alright. Mine is a different story.

I've tried letting go, I don't know how to quit you. No, baby, you can't change me. But maybe you'll find that you're better off, better off. That's what you get for, that's what you get for, moving on, moving on. Try and forget you, try and forget like every tear you ever cried. Pack them up and say goodbye. Moving on. I spent a long time without you and I'm still doing everything I can just to not think about you. Not that I doubt you, if I found you would I let my thoughts surround you. I feel just a little bit stronger. I'll wait just a little bit longer. But I'm doing just fine without you.

You've got a face to call home.

I'm going to find someone who I can send links of John Mayer songs to, and I'm going to tell them that these songs are the perfect words strung together to express my love for them. There's no other way to tell them how much I love them except for the written words from my favourite artist, I hope this person understands.

I love you.

“I love you’ means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you’re in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. ‘I love you’ means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same about me.” — Johnathon Safran Foer

The fact that someone made me feel this way makes me so scared.

"I knew all the pain, the struggles would lead me somewhere. I always knew in a small part of my mind that the nights I spent struggling, crying, hurting and deciding would lead me somewhere. It would either be walking around numb or it would make me better. I’ve had my fair share of fuck ups, of being fucked up and wanting to be even more fucked up. I’ve had my fair share of being used, lied to and hurt by other people. But the fact that you have come into my life and made me feel again, it’s a beautiful feeling. I love that you’ve taught me to trust again, I love that I let my guard down for you, I love being with you, I love being yours and I love that you’re mine. The fact that all my struggles have lead me to this? Sometimes I want to thank you for fucking me up mentally, emotionally, physically and every other way in between because I probably wouldn’t be where I am or have the people I do in my life. I’ve spent nights wondering if I should end it all, I’ve spent days telling myself ‘just a few more hours and you can —- yourself when you get home’, I’ve wanted to not wake up in the mornings, I debated whether or not every afternoon walking home from school if I should throw myself into the oncoming traffic. I’ve dug hard, I’ve hated hard and this love that has flooded my world the past two months is a breath of fresh air. Rohit, you’re changing me and an loving you for it. You’re amazing, baby."

Old writings.

I had a dream last night that you came up to me and started apologizing. I wanted to tell you to get away, but I ran straight into your arms and kissed you and told you I had missed you. You said you missed me too. We kissed and laughed and held eachother and talked for hours and it felt so real. I held your hand in mine again, I touched your face, I told you I loved you and it felt so real. I have never woken up so empty before.

It’s your birthday in a month. Yes I’ve remembered. I drove past your street today. A lot has happened in the past year and a half. Apart of me has wanted to tell you and apart of me knows you don’t deserve any part of my life. I miss you sometimes. I don’t get nervous when I see you around town anymore. We were crazy in love, weren’t we? I’ve never really been the same since you left. I deleted our photos, they just drove me insane. I’ve never felt as comfortable enough with anyone else but you. I remember I would invite you over and I would still be in my pyjamas, we would spoon in my bed and watch bad tv.

I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned. I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned. I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side. I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.

I’m not angry because you’re dating someone, infact if you hadn’t acted so childish and cowardly I would be happy for you. But you chose to do the wrong thing, which was to hurt the person who cared for you the most. I’m angry because you’ve cut me out of your life like we never happened. I’m angry because you’re dating the girl who ultimately broke us up. I’m angry because you told me you loved me and that you would always be there for me, and the next night you delete me from everything. I’m angry because I loved you back. I’m angry that I have no explanation. I’m angry that you’ve treated me like nothing, and that you’ve made me feel like fucking nothing. I have never felt so betrayed or not good enough in so long. It took be over a year to date again because of him, and I felt safe going into your arms. And now that you’ve done this? I hate you. Those three words have no emphasis on a website but they’re the only words I can find right now. I hate you so much that I wouldn’t care if you ODed again. I don’t care that you harmed yourself. I don’t care that you were suicidal and I don’t care if you still are. I wouldn’t care if I saw you bleeding. I don’t care because you didn’t care that I was going through or doing all these things, too.

So nearlly a month ago I woke to my boyfriend's ex girlfriend sending me message about how my boyfriend said numerous things. She also sent me the screen caps of their conversation. These things included, 1. I do not sexually satisfy him. When a weekend before that I was at his house, and it did not seem like I wasn't satisfying him. This was the last time I saw him because he pretty much stopped communicating with me except for small talk on Facebook. 2. He said that he liked her more than he liked me, and that he couldn't dump me because I was too attatched. When not long after this I was sitting with him where we usually did, and he told me about how attatched to me he was and that he felt stupid because he thought I didn't feel the same way. Regardless of these things, I spent hours on the phone with him listening to him explain that it was all taken out of context, that everything he said was a joke and people should learn to figure out when he's joking. I made myself forgive him, I told myself it wasn't a big deal, because I honestly wanted to be with him so much, that I believed he was the victim. You told me you would never speak to your ex, that she was dead to you and you wouldn't let this ruin us. You told me you would always be there for me, and I felt okay. I felt that we were on edge but I didn't think that what's happened since then would have ever happened. We got off the phone, you said you loved me and you said you would always be there for me. I thought we were so lovely together. We got along so well, there was never a dull moment. You were constantly telling me how beautiful I was, you were constantly telling me how I was the perfect girl for you. And I believed you. You had me convinced we were going to last years, and I could feel that we were. I can still hear the way you strung your words together to make me melt, I can still feel your touch on my body and it makes me cringe. The next night you tell me you think we aren't working, ON FUCKING FACEBOOK. We aren't going to work, because you feel nothing let alone anything for me because you had lost your best friend. You said I deserved better and I agreed. I agreed that I deserved better, from you. So despite him saying he loved me, and that he would always be there for me he then proceeded to delete me from Facebook and ignore my messages. I haven't spoken to him since, because he refuses to make any kind of contact with me. I spent awile on my own and not speaking to anyone and just trying to accept that he wasn't in my life anymore. And recently I've been keeping myself distracted until I read online that you and your ex are friends again. That pissed me off. Tonight I read you and your ex are dating. I am beyond fucking pissed off. I have no words to explain how hurt and betrayed I am, I am literally shaking. It's not the fact that he is dating someone, but because he's dating the person he said he hated and that if he ever saw her, he would punch her in the face even though he's against hitting women. I swear, you had better hope I'm not by myself if I ever see you again because I will fucking rip you to shreds you fucking peice of shit. You were the biggest waste of time, I wish I had never met you and I wish I had never let myself fall for you. I'm at the place where I just want to see you in pain. I want to see you crying and bleeding and I want to cause the bleeding. Mother fucking fuck, how dare you do this to me. I deserve fucking respect you cunt. I don't feel like crying, because you don't deserve my tears. I want this feeling to go away and the one way I can think of I told myself I wouldn't.

Fuck you for making me feel like this. Fuck you for making me feel like I deserved this. Fuck you for using me. Fuck your words and your lies. Fuck yourself. I am so much better than you. When you dumped me over Facebook and said that I deserve better, and I agreed? I meant from you. I deserved better from you. But now, hell fucking yes I deserve better than you.

I haven't felt this nice is long time. I've forgotten what this feels like. I used to always open up my window when I was feeling like shit at night, because that's when the best kind of breeze would fly through. I would stick my head out my window, and I could forget about all the crazy shit that would be going on down stairs. I don't know why, but it was such a beautiful feeling and I don't know why I haven't done this in so long. I think I've been hiding myself away. I don't want to do that anymore. I am a good person and I deserve love and respect in every form, and I won't stop trying until I get it.

I'm strong, fucking hell I am. It's scary to say but I'll get through this. Having the thought in my mind makes me feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff with no one to catch me. But I'll keep these thoughts because I am fucking strong.

I don't want to be stuck in a job I hate. I don't want to be tied down. I don't want a mortgage. I don't want to be scared. I don't want cancer. I don't want to depend on other people do much. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't want to be alone. I want someone I can text at any time of the day and have them come over so we can mess around in bed like we used to. I want this hole to fill and I want this pain to subside. I want a new habit. I don't want this life. Truth be told, I don't know what I want or who I am or what's going to happen to me.

“I can choose to indulge in my frustrations or I can choose to create a habit of happiness. It’s not easy but it’s worth the fight.”

When I first met you I thought nothing of it. I was in a mind set where I was sure I wouldn't be with someone for awhile. When we first started talking I thought, wow, you are brilliant. Then when we hung out for the first time and gradually spent more time either together or texting or messaging and getting to know eachother I thought, wow, you are everything I've been looking for in someone. I don't want this post to be about yet another depressing break up because even though towards the end of our relationship you let me down, that was news to me because the rest of you and I were so perfect. We weren't together for a long time but I knew you were special. I don't regret you or anything like that. I'm so happy I met you and I'm so happy you gave me a few months of pure happiness. I've tried to think of your faults lately to stop myself from knowing that I've lost someone who was perfect for me but you really had none except for your big mouth, which was what broke us apart. And you know what, I do deserve better. Not someone else, but from you. I have no sympathy towards you. I thought you were different and maybe you still are but for now you're being a coward. I know I had more to give, I had so many plans for us, and I'm not sorry for anything.

The good times and the bad times both will pass. It will pass. It will get easier. But the fact that it will get easier does not mean that it doesn’t hurt now. And when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, that it won’t get better. Because it will.

Oh how, pretty is the middle of June?