"i know what i need to do. i either tell him to get out of my life, or, well, i just don't know what else.. i can't put up with it anymore. i shouldn't have to. but i want him in my life, i can't tell him to just leave." "why not?"

your own mother has more of a decency to ring me up and apoligise for your actions and the troubles you've caused. i don't understand how you can the the balls to tell almost a stranger to you, the personal and intimate details of our relationship, but not to me.

it really fucking sucks when one of the people you thought you could always depend on you, goes behind your back. it really fucking sucks when you put your heart and soul into one person, and all they do is shit on it. it really fucking sucks when one of the people who you thought would never judge you, who you thought it was okay to be your complete self around, tells people the things you've done and says 'i was trying to hard not to laugh.' i froze right then and there when she said those words to me, i thought that she was probably lieing or joking. it really fucking sucks that she wasn't. it really fucking sucks when you realise that everything you once believed in turns to shit. it really fucking sucks when you think you can trust someone, but they go and talk shit about you. it's like a slap in the face, i thought i meant more to you than this.

i don't know why you're so scared of being yourself. i fell in love with everything single thing about you, i have no doubt that someone else will too.

there is about two or three people i know who's opinions i actually care about. two or three people out of the hundreds that i know, knew and yet to meet who i will stop everything i'm doing for. one of them, is not you.

whenever i see this picture around i think of you instantly. it makes me think that we aren't that far apart, and that anything is possible.

i remember you telling me that you were going to leave canberra, move down the coast somewhere and open up your own buisness. you would leave everything behind and start again. i told you i would come and see you regardless of absolutely anything. two years later? i wish for nothing more. now, i have someone more worth while.

it was a lie when i told i had to go and talk to a friend, i really just needed a moment to think. while we were in eachothers arms all i could think about was you leaving. i may be over reacting on something that may or may not happen and i may be kidding myself because i may not even know you then, but you'll still be leaving.

ocala is calling and you know it's haunting, but compared to your eyes nothing shines quite as bright and when we look to the sky, well it's not mine but i want it. you're all that i hoped to find in every single way, and everything i would give is everything that you couldn't take and nothing feels like home when you're a thousand miles away. and the hardest part of living is taking breaths to stay, 'cause i know i'm good for something i just haven't found it yet. we both know that i'm not that strong and i miss the lips that made me fly.

i like hugging you. i like hugging you with my head on your chest, because the way your heart beats, it keeps me going. it reminds me that you're still here, you're okay and you aren't going anywhere for the time being.

tyler torres.

a person who loves themselves for who they are, and loves their life for what it is, is by far the most beautiful person you will ever meet. life isn't easy, but the sooner you figure that out, the easier life becomes. you may be on the same page someone, but make sure you're reading the same book. if you miss somebody, tell them. life lives itself, so we might as well love it and everyone in it. the only thing scarier than facing your fears is facing yourself. you don't have to know what love is to be in it. there's someone out there who loves you as you are, flaws and all, truly and completely. sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth.

you can't yell at me, call me names, say hurtful things about and to me, you can't treat me the way you have the past year, and still expect me to hang around. i can't believe that i have stuck around this long. don't you get it? if anyone, treated me the way you do they would be out of my life in a fucking heart beat. i have given you more chances than i can remember, and all you do is fuck it up or abuse them. i don't know why i've let you walk all over me. i really don't think i can bottle this all up for much longer. my parents don't get it, all my friends say "he's a dickhead, just forget about it." do you think i haven't already tried fucking doing that? do you think it's just that easy? try falling in love with someone, sharing your fears and joys with them, sharing nearlly everything with them, losing your virginity to them, try going through hell and back with their hand still tangled in yours, just fucking try it and see how easy it is to just forget.

my heart is beating from me, i am standing all alone. please call me only if you are coming home. waste another year flies by, waste a night or two. you taught me how to live in the streets of shame, where you've lost your dreams in the rain. there's no sign of hope, the stems and seeds of the last of the dope. there's a glow in the night, the st. jimmy is the spark of the night. bearing gifts and trust, the fixture in the city of lust. what the hell's your name? what's your pleasure and what is your pain? do you dream too much? do you think what you need is a crotch? in the crowd of pain st. jimmy comes without any shame, he says "we're fucked up but we're not the same."

the one thing that hurt the most last night? it wasn't that you broke our promise, it's not that you didn't spend it with me, it's not that you were too lazy to get off your fat ass and come find me when i had tried to find you. it was that you spent the night, with one of the people you bitch about constantly. i honestly feel offended that you spent your night with someone you so called 'hated with a passion.' so fuck you, even though you made me upset i still had a fucking fantastic night without you.

as i watched the fireworks explode in different directions, sung along to the music with my friends around me and felt the pop in my heart, i thought of you. later that night i told one of my best friends that i had given up on you and trying to help you. i told her i wanted a better boyfriend, one that got along with my friends and family and took me places. one that had something going for them. i can't help you, i can't change you. i have finally accepted that and i am moving on.

you don't deserve me. i deserve so much better.

we get high in the backseats of cars, we break into mobile homes, we go to sleep to shake up you and then wake up on our own. we go out in stormy weather, we rarely practise discern, we make love to some with sin, we seek out the taciturn. that's the way we get by, so let's make a new start and that's the way to my heart, the way to my heart.

i used to think about you all the time. i'd wonder where you are, what you're doing, if you're getting into more trouble, if you're thinking of me too. i sorta hated myself for it so i stopped. you pop into my mind every now and then, i don't hate myself anymore. it just doesn't feel right having you there, so i push you towards the back of my head and pretend i never met you again.

you are the most selfish boy i have ever come across. all you think about is yourself, and if you aren't happy? that must mean everyone around you has to be too. i looked at you today, telling you i was going to be in deep shit, you just looked at me and give me this 'whatever' look. i threw my hands at you, saying loudly enough for my friends to hear, "do you even care? do you even fucking care?!" you just said. "of course." then went on talking about how you were angry. well, how stupid of me to worry about myself when you're right infront of me upset. i'm still trying to deal with the shit you've put me through, so maybe you should calm the fuck down and please forgive me for trying to pick myself up while being shot down at the same time.

i've thought about it and i've come up with a couple of things. 1. you simply just told me because you wanted me to know what was going on. 2. you think you have a pretty big chance of moving. 3. you told me to see my reaction, so you could feel better about yourself seeing as you are so fucking jealous and insecure you can't even help yourself. you wanted me to feel bad. but seeing as in the past year, you've never simply told me what's been going on, so i've been left with the last two. to be quite honest i don't know which one is tearing me more apart right now.

do you remember how we met? silhouetted by the light. you were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands. i was thinking about that, and a bunch of other things. stop looking at the floor, i need to pour out this expensive dose of words. i can't exlpain, i need to be alone. i know the timing isn't great, but these things, you just can't plan. i just need a little time to find myself again 'cause i get buried underneath all the things they think you are. and i'm too tired to pretened it doesn't hurt to be left out. i had a pocket full of dreams but i gave them all to you, but i think i want them back. so can you tell me if i'm crazy or confused? don't ever change the way you are. i've never loved anyone more.

why are things different now? because i've finally stood up for myself and i won't put up with your shit now. why does it have to be different? because i deserve to be happy. why can't it just go back to how it was? because i know what i need now.

when we were together, i used to always look at you and think "you can't be real. this can't be real. this is too good, this is too perfect. i must be dreaming." the other day i looked at you and thought to myself "yeah, it was real. now it's gone."

i keep on thinking, that you were this amazingly perfect boy. you made me happy, you made me feel beautiful and you made me feel like i wasn't alone. but you also complicated my life to the point where i could not stand you and i had to break up with you. i did it for me - that may be selfish, but i think i am allowed to be selfish this time. everything was simple when i just ignored my feelings and kept pretending that you were that amazingly perfect boy, but i couldn't keep that act up forever?

i am in love with your words.

most of the time i only want to be awake for about three hours a week, and i never want to eat again. the sometimes i get really excited about things and i wonder how i ever slept days away and i still do not want to eat much. sometimes i feel nothing is worth it. this will be forgotten soon enough, and everyone is shitty anyways. sometimes i could stay up all night and tell you or you or you my thoughts on this or that, or planning moments and lives together for the future. sometimes i never want to write or talk again. it's all the same cry for attention. i'm the same as everyone i can't stand, pathetic. sometimes i just want to get really fucked up and write until it's raw and beautiful and ugly. makes perfect sense and does not make sense at all. sometimes i spend the entire day thinking about the things i should do while managing to do none of them. sometimes all i want to do is fall in love, fuck eachother's brains out for a few days straight and then fall asleep and never wake up again. sometime i can't think of anything i want in the entire world. sometimes i want it all, and then some. sometimes i am sweet. sometimes i am starving with desire. sometimes i just want to go to sleep.

i just don't want to deal with any more of this shit. i honestly have no strength left in me. can someone just pick me up and drop me over there.

"you were doing it for you, you were looking out for yourself which is something you should always be doing. if it was a real loving relationship he would have respected that."

i hate it when you make me laugh when i'm mad at you. i'm sitting here crying and then i read your text message and start laughing.

i keep on thinking about it, i just can't help it. everytime i'm not with you, whenever i don't know where you are, whenever i'm not talking to you i'm scared you're on your way home to do something again. i keep on going over our conversation in my head, it's as if it rings in my ears when i'm trying to sleep or trying to listen in class. i can just hear you crying and trying to catch your breath but then crying even more, i can hear you saying "oh god emmylou, i'm sorry, what the fuck have i done, i feel so sick, emmylou, i love you, i feel so sick" all through out your cries. i can just keep seeing myself at your funeral, which i shouldn't because you're fine. he's emmylou, it's okay he's fine. everyone keeps telling me it wasn't my fault, but i still feel like it was. "he has choices just like you do. he made the choice to wag school and he chose to drink. you did not make him do that." but i did? everyone keeps asking me if i'm okay like it's such an easy question to answer. you said yesterday that you just wanted to feeling something different, i made you feel bad in the first place. i don't want to talk to the counciler again, i just want him to come over right now, get in bed with me and cuddle and tell me that the sound of me crying almost broke him, like his did me.

i was about to storm out of science. i just couldn't sit there and listen to you two go on about him and everything he's done wrong and how fucked up he is when you're not perfect, you're no better considering and you have no idea what neither he or i is going through.

i hope you're emabressed, i hope you're scared, i hope you're upset. i hope you remember everything you said to me. i hope you tell me you're sorry and you thank me for telling them to call an ambulance even though you were fine. i hope you can still remember the wobble in my voice as i asked you repeatedly if you had done something to yourself. i have no doubt that tomorrow i will be crying at school, again, because of you.

when i see you tomorrow i'm going to run up to you, hug you for a few minutes, possibly cry and tell you how much you fucking scared me and what the fuck was going through your head.

the dawn is breaking a light shinging through. you're barely waking, and i'm tangled up in you. i'm open, you're closed. where i follow, you'll go. i worry i won't see your face light up again. even the best fall down sometimes. even the wrong words seem to rhyme. out of the doubt that fills my mind, i somehow find you and i collide. i'm quiet, you know. you make a first impression. i've found i'm scared to know i'm always on your mind. even the best fall down sometimes, even the stars refuse to shine. out of the back you fall in time. i somehow find, you and i collide. even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme. out of the doubt that fills your mind, you finally find you and i collide.

you can wear your new white shoes, in the muddy afternoon. walk into the stay-drunk-stoop. they whistle with their hands. but i could be your cat call too, anything you want to do. anything you want to do. you can take your slide trombone, play it in your catacombs. find a town that moves real slow, and turn it on its head, and i could be your pharoahs tomb. anything you want to do, lover, anything you want to do. if you want to be common, i can claim that i tamed you. a demigod in a bonnet, they're going to know it ain't true. you can paint your nails lime green, rent yourself a limousine. kidnap the professor's neice. tell them that she's dead. we'll party in a hotel room, anything you want to do. sister, anything you want to do. you can get your hair all wet, sleeping on the river bed. kiss a frog and then dissect, you've got to find out what's inside. you can have my bad side too, anything you want to do. sugar, anything you want to do. you can wear your new white shoes, in the dirty afternoon. walking through the traffic fumes, a flower in your hair. i will swing upon your moods, anytime you want me to. just tell me what you want to do. anything you want to do.

i've had the same, constant, throbbing headache for probably three hours now. my eyes sting and my nose keeps running. my eyes just keep watering up. i got home and collapsed on my bed, spoke to my dad then walked into the bathroom and took all my clothes off. i walked in the shower with my heavy make up on and just stood there. i could feel my make up running down my face. i didn't know what else to do. i still don't.

i don't want to be in love with you anymore.

i shouldn't have gone back to you so many times. i shouldn't have given you so many chances to prove yourself. i shouldn't have waited so long to see if you would change. i still shouldn't be scared of hurting you when some days you throw your insults at me like they're fucking knives. i shouldn't be your friend. i shouldn't have done what i did this afternoon. i shouldn't have told myself 'this is the last time.' when i knew it wasn't going to be. when you told me you admire me for how strong i am, how you love how easily i can tell people to fuck off once they've done something wrong to me, how i just don't put up with peoples crap, i smiled, when all i could think was 'that's a lie.' some people at least deserved a second chance, when you, you have had more given to you than i can count. but you know what really sucks about this whole thing? it will be a completely different story tomorrow. i'll probably forgive you again. i don't want to be in fucking love with you anymore.

i wanted to tell you what was going on, but everything you've been doing to me lately shows me how much you won't even care or how you won't do anything to make me feel better. i was going to write you a letter trying to explain everything my best, i was going to ask you what you would do if i was put into hospital and if you would come and visit me. but i decided not to, because it would probably all turn around and be all about you again. you're probably one of the most self obsorbed, selfish assholes i've ever met. i always thought you were one of those people i could feel comfortable around. you've come over and seen me in my pyjamas more times than i can count. my make up fucked, hair not done and you still didn't make me feel like a dickhead. i always thought you were one of those people that would always be there when i needed them. you made me feel beatiful, you made me feel amazing. when you looked at me, you looked at me like i was your entire world. but thanks for fucking that all up for me. the thing were talking about this morning? you can go shove it up your ass because you've made me feel disgusting.

i sorta just want someone to ask ME what's wrong this time.

you piss me off nearly everytime i see you, when we're not arguing i'm most likely ignoring you. i love you so much but i also really hate you sometimes. but the little conversations we have late at night or the look you gave me or the tears that swole up in your eyes. "what made you know that mum was the one?" "that's actually a beautiful question."

last night i realised that i haven't properly cried in awhile. i thought that maybe if i did i would feel a little more relieved, like some of the craziness would be gone. but i couldn't, i squeezed out a few tears and i just couldn't. i thought to myself that maybe i should just hold it in because if i start letting myself collapse then it will become more regular and i don't want that.

"alot of people are told they aren't going to make it, but just do what you do best and live your life. live it for yourself, and really just fuck everybody else."

she say's it's all gonna end and it might aswell be my fault. and she only sleeps when it's raining, and she screams and her voice is straining. well i can't help but be scared of it all sometimes, the rain's gonna wash away i believe it. she's got a little bit of something, god it's better than nothing. in her colour portrait world she believes that she's got it all. she swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to and she only sleeps when it's raining, and she screams, and her voice is straining. she says, baby, it's three am i must be lonely. when she says baby, well i can't help but be scared of it all sometimes. the rain's going to wash away, i believe it. she believes that life is made up of all that you're used to and the clock has been stuck on three for days. she thinks that happiness is the mat that sits on her doorway. but outside it's stopped raining.

"so come with me where dreams are born, and time is never planned. just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in neverland."