"no boy is worth your teenage years."

i know i'm confusing, i know i'm unfair and i know i'm a bitch and you know you're exactly the same. but this, right here, this thing i'm putting you through for the second time is me trying to prove something to myself. i know i'm not one of those pathetic girls that needs a boy to complete her happiness, but you just make my life so much better. you just make it easier to get out of bed in the mornings. i guess i never make any sense and i guess i'm accepting that, but i'm doing this so i can have try to depend on myself again, and make my friendships stronger, to try new things. (you falling out of love with me may happen, and that scares me.)

sometimes i hate you because i can't not be in love with you. despite everything you've done to me, i still love you. i'm sure my friends think i'm an idiot for the amounts of chances i've given you and am continuing to give you, but i just always seem to end up at your feet and i don't know why.

i'm not going to go back to you simply because you deserve better. you deserve a girl who won't change her mind everyday, a girl who's can give you everything i can't and a girl who can talk to you about what she's feeling, but the thought of you actually finding this girl and the thought of you being with someone other than me is worse than the feeling of never being good enough for you.

what is wrong with me?

go away, give me a chance to miss you. say goodbye, it'll make me want to kiss you. i love you so much more when you're not here. watching all the bad news, drinking all of my beer. i don't believe adam and eve spent every god damn day together. if you give me some room there will be enough room for two. leave me alone, i'm lonely. i don't wanna wake up with another, but i don't always wanna wake up with you either. no you can't hop into my shower, all i ask is for one fucking hour. you taste so sweet but i can't eat the same thing everyday. i'm cutting off the phone, leave me the fuck alone. tomorrow i'll be begging you to come back home.

john mayer.

even if you think the flame has died, there's atleast one lyric that'll hit the last hot spot, and then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see him again.

who's to say what's impossible? well they forget this world keeps spinning and with each new day i can feel a change in everything. as the surface breaks reflections fade but in some ways they remain the same. and as my mind beings to spread its wings, there's no stopping curiosity. i want to turn the whole thing upside down, i'll find the things they say just can't be found. i'll share this love i find with everyone. we'll sing and dance to mothernature's songs. i don't want this feeling to go away.

we were just kids in love, the summer was full of mistakes that we wouldn't learn from. the first kiss stole the breathe from my lips, why did the last one tear us apart?

i know you've heard it all before so i don't say it anymore, i just sit back and watch you fight your secret war. and though i used to wonder why i used to cry 'till i was dry, still sometimes i get a strange pain inside. oh joey, if you're hurting so am i. if you seem to be confused, i didn't mean to be with you. when you said i scared you, well i guess you scared me too. but we got lucky once before, and i don't wanna close the door. if you're somewhere out there, passed out on the floor, oh joey i'm not angry anymore.

i want to be able to kiss who ever i feel like kissing, i want to be able to hold anyones hands, i want to dance and sing with people, i want to go out and do whatever it is for us to have not just a good time, but a time that we won't forget. i want to be able to tell my friends that i love them to death without some having to have an opinion about it. i never wanted to be tied down in a relationship with anyone. no, you didn't just fuck up once. it was every single time you did that has amounted to what happened a few hours ago. yes i will miss the constant reasurance that having a boyfriend gives, but i don't need it. i'm sorry but you were holding me back from all these amazing things that i should be expeirencing. just please forgive me because i can't deal with me being the reason you don't go to school, i can't deal with knowing that i'm the reason you won't get your year ten. it's really important you do it deion, maybe not for me anymore. but for yourself.

taking a loundge chair from someones front yard and carrying it to my house, pooch, mixing vodka and coke, nearlly throwing up while drinking it on the bus, dancing with james while he was drunk, laughing until i couldn't stand up right, seeing one of my favourite bands live. all three of us had our troubles that day, but we forgot about them and it was worth it.

i felt like writing you a text message saying "how did we end up from you calling me a mistake, a regret and how you didn't see why i was a good girlfriend, to where we are now? it's doesn't make any sense and i don't think i'll ever forgive you for it." but i decided not to.

stop having a go at me, and then saying sorry. stop trying to guilt trip me into doing things because you should have figured it out by now, that no one can tell me what to do and expect me to do it. you're jealous, and i'm not going to make that my problem again. no, you're not sorry so stop saying it. you can't say things to me like that, and not expect me to not get angry or upset about it. doesn't that even go through your mind? this is my last year, my last year with all of my friends around me. it's never going to be like this again. so you can either be with me or against me, you aren't going to hold me down.

favourite book.

although no one will ever accuse me of being much of a science student, one thing i learned from science classes is that energy is never created and never destroyed. and if alaska took her own life, that is the hope i wish i could have given her. forgetting her mother, failing her mother and her friends and herself - those are awful things, but she did not need to fold into herself and self-destruct. those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. when adults say, "teenagers think they are invincible," with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. we need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. we think that we are invincible because we are. we cannot be born and we cannot die. like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. they forget that when they get old. they get scared of losing and failing. but that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, so it cannot fail. so i know she forgives me, just as i forgive her.

thomas edison's last words were, "it's very beautiful over there." i don't know where there is, but i know it's somewhere, and i hope it's beautiful.

please don't leave.

i may not be the nicest person to you, and you may not be the nicest person in return. we may have our ups and downs and we may have our differences. we may argue all the time, and you may frustrate me to the point where i can't even be near you but i fucking love you to death. i love you so much i can't even explain it, you've always been the guy that i can go to about anything and everything. i could talk to you about whatever's on my mind and you would never judge me or make me feel stupid for doing so. i could ask you about anything, and you would always give me the right advice. i knew i could go to you upset and know you'll make me feel better. i'll never forget the day i ran out of class crying and all i could hear was you saying "wait emmyou, what's wrong?" and how relieved i was that you were the only person to come out and talk to me. and i'll never forget the day i was upset because me and him were fighting and how you texted me saying "i'll punch him." i really do need you, no matter how much i'll deny it or how much i'll bag you out or how much we annoy eachother. i don't care if it's only an hour and half drive to see you, i can't and don't want to even imagine my life without you in it.

i love you.

it's not like i could have helped what happened, but i was still so embaressed. i couldn't even look you in the eye. you kept on trying to wrap your arms around me, and kiss me but i just didn't want you to see me. i ended up pulling your arm up so i could lay my head on your chest because i knew that's probably all i could to feel better. you asked me repeatedly if i was okay, all i could do is nod and breathe so heavily it was obvious i was about to burst. i wiped my eyes and i knew you saw because you lifted your head and asked me what was wrong. i squeezed out a tiny reply, 'that's not supposed to happen,' got out of bed, picked my clothes up off your bedroom floor and walked into your bathroom. i cleaned myself up, wet my face, brushed my hair and walked out with one of the fakest smiles i have ever worn. you were standing there with a glass of water, only your pants on and a smile that i'll never forget. then i realised that you didn't say anything to make me feel worse about the situation. you weren't disgusted and you comforted me like i couldn't believe. "we can have a shower if you want."

i am not going to let you do this again. i am not going to let you hurt me the way you did. i am not going to let you do what you did to me before. i have other friends, i have other guy friends. all i can say? is deal with that. it's not going to change, so you can either fucking trust me or leave. i really don't want to do this again.

i finally understand this now.

i've realised more and more lately that it's easier to make yourself distant with someone, it's easier to be alone because it hurts less when someone leaves. you just have to chose how much pain you're willing to go through for someone.

my stomach hurts from how much you've made me laugh in the past half an hour.

living my life, getting out dreams. people told me to slow my roll, fuck that. i'm going to do just what i want. looking ahead, no turning back. if i fall, if i die, know i lived it to the fullest. if i fall, if i die, know i lived and missed some bullets.

when will you understand? i'm fucked up and seem to sabotage my own relationships with people. i can never keep a real relationship up, and the fact that our little relationship-thing has been going on for so long and i'm not the least bit tired or bored, really amazes me. you amaze me. i don't tell people how i'm feeling, and i usually end up bottling it up for so long, i get frustrated and take it all out on who ever i can because secretly i just want someone to know when ever i'm lieing when i tell them i'm 'just fine.' with you, i just can't find my words. it's so ridiculous. so i'm sorry, i'm sorry not being able to tell you how i really feel or what's wrong or why i'm angry.

sick and tired of being sick and tired.

i'm sick of having no one to talk to and i'm sick of being here. i never wanted to fucking move you know. don't you get it whenever i say 'i don't like being here,' or 'i don't want to be here?' i hate this how and i hate how you all treat me. i'm sick of being ignored, i'm sick of talking and no one listening or hearing me. i'm sick of helping people and getting nothing back. i'm sick of your smart ass remarks and i'm sick of you saying i'm being such a bitch tonight. i'm sick of not having you to talk to. i'm sick of this fake smile and the fake laugh that goes with it. i'm sick of feeling like no one cares.

i wish.

i'm gonna pack up my bags, i'm never coming back. 'cause the years are passing by and i'm wasting all my time. sick of this house, sick of being broke, sick of this town that's bringing me down.

i started crying in the car yesterday, can't say i was suprised no one noticed.

i hate it when you say bad things about him, i hate it when you say i could do better and i hate it when you say you don't want me to see him. because you didn't see the look in his eyes when he said 'i never want to treat you the way i did' and you didn't feel his arms around you as he said it. you haven't seen his scars, and you don't know why they're there. you haven't seen the messages he's sent me saying how much he loves me, trusts me and cares for me. you haven't looked straight into his eyes as he repeats the words from my messages. and you know what else? he's there for me, as in actually there for me. i know he'll do what it takes to see me, while you are miles and miles away without a job or money and it looks like it's going to be like that for awhile. for the past two or three years you say the same thing. 'i'm going to get a job and come see you soon. we'll have christmas together, we'll stay up late and watch movies together. maybe even get together and i'll finally get to see you.' and you don't. you haven't even fucking tried to come see me. i'm fifteen, i have school, my friends, my family, my last year of high school. this year is going to be huge for me, so don't ask me hurry up and get a job. you're almost eighteen, what the hell man. some of the things you do to me are so unfair. i've realised for awhile now that the things you say are going to happen, won't. that your promises, will break. and that you, will never be mine. i guess you could say i'm giving up on what you and i could have but never will.

i brought a cd today, put it on my itunes, and started listening to the first song. "a memory can't be erased. i know because i've tried. start to feel emptiness, and everything i'm going to miss. i know, that i can't hide. all this time is passing by, i think it's time to just move on." why do i keep seeing things that remind me of you? why have you been creeping back into my mind lately? why on earth did the first few words remind me of you? the cd i brought today was by the band that i used to call ours, and i didn't even notice.

i am so fucking excited for my new art classes.

i forget about this.

1. 
   
   life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. when in d0ubt, just take the next step. 3. life is too short to waste hating someone. 4. your job won't take care of you when you are sick. your friends and family will. stay in touch. 5. pay off your credit cards every month. 6. you don't have to win every arguement. agree to disagree. 7. cry with someone. it's more healing than crying alone. 8. it's okay to get angry with god. he can take it. 9. save for retirement with your first pay check. 10. when it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. make peace with your past so it won't screw up your future. 12. it's okay to let your children see you cry. 13. don't compare your life to others, you have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. if a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. everything can change in the blink of an eye; but don't worry, god never blinks. 16. take a deep breath. it calms the mind. 17. get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 18. whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. it's never too late to have a happy childhood. but the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. when it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. burn the candles. use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. don't save it for a special occasion, today is special. 22. over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. be eccentric now. don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. the most important sex organ is the brain. 25. no one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. frame every so call disaster with these words 'will this matter in five years?' 27. always chose life. 28. forgive everyone, everything. 29. what other people think of you is none of your buisness. 30. time heals almost everything. give time, time. 31. however good or bad a situation is, it will always change. 32. don't take yourself so seriously. no one else does. 33. believe in miracles. 34. god loves you because of who god is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. don't audit life. show up and make the most of it now. 36. growing old beats the alternative - dying young. 37. all that truly matter in the end is that you are loved. 38. if we all threw our problems in a pile, we'd grab ours back. 39. envy is a waste of time. you already have everything you need. 40. the best is yet to come. 41. no matter how you feel get up, dress up and show up. 42. life isn't tied with a bow, but it is still a gift.

i don't care what anyone says, i'm in love with you. i don't care how young i am, i'm in love with you. i don't care what you've done, i'm in love with you. whenever i'm with you, or whenever you're holding me or whenever i see you, safety washes all over me. i have nothing to worry about when i'm with you. you just seem to make everything better. when i was standing in front of you, my pants and shirt lying on the floor, i looked up at you and you had this simple expression on your face that soon turned into a smile. i can't really explain it, but it was comforting. it's comforting to know that someone loves something about you that you've struggled to yourself, for years. it's comforting to know that someone has my back. it's comforting to finally be on the same page with someone. you make me feel so good, not just happy but good about myself too. i love you deion. i love you, i love you, i love you.

i think it was really insensitive of you to joke around about that with me. because you don't know what would happen to me if it actually did happen. you really don't even have a clue. so please don't lie to me, please don't joke about those things with me and please be honest. i'm taking a risk with you again, please don't let me be wrong this time. i'm putting my trust in you which has never been easy for me.

you know, if you're going to go behind my back and tell everyone things about me that they don't need to know, you could at least get the story right. i don't regret a thing i've done, go tell people that.

you've got a fast car. i want a ticket to anywhere. maybe we can make a deal, maybe together we can get somewhere. any place is better; starting from zero and got nothing to lose. maybe we'll make something. maybe we'll make something, but me? myself i've got nothing to prove. you've got a fast car, and i've got a plan to get us out of here. i've been working at the convenience store and managed to save just a little bit of money. we won't have to drive too far, just across the border and into the city. you and i can both gets jobs and finally see what it means to be living. you've got a fast car, but is it fast enough so we can fly away? we've got to make a decision; we leave tonight, or live and die this way. i remember we were driving in your car, the speed so fast i felt drunk. city lights lay out before us, and your arm felt so nice wrapped around my shoulder, and i had the feeling that i belonged, and i had the feeling that i could be someone. you've got a fast car and we go cruising to entertain ourselves. you still haven't got a job, i work in a market as a checkout girl. i know things will get better.

i'm having trouble sleeping. you're sitting on my chest, i sure could use the rest. it's you. why's it always you and never me? i've never dared to let my feelings free. why's it always you and never me? i never cared too much for honesty.