As blunt as this is and as much as you don't want to hear it, sometimes you just have to get over it. Life dealt you a bad hand and it's going to keep happening and unless you get over it or find a better way to deal with it, because you can't spend your whole life letting people treat you like a fucking door mat. People don't tell you what's what, you tell them. Don't let people fuck you around because I know you're better than that. Just think, in a couple of years will this matter? Sometimes it will and sometimes it seems like nothing is going to get better but it fucking does. Things change constantly. You think that time you had over complete and utter happiness was too short? Well sadness is the same, it comes and it goes. Situations change and people change and feelings change. So fucking stand up for yourself and get your shit together because life doesn't stop for anyone and it'll pass you right by.

I've got no idea when I'm coming home and all I want is to be left the fuck alone. I'm only being real, the depression comes and goes - Ignore it 'cause tonight there is yet another show. Looking in the mirror like 'what the fuck am I starin' at?' Not recognizing the brittle mess that is staring back so I'm givin' you the deepest shit you ever heard. With what I see though it makes it hard for me to put my trust in them, all it takes is one person to fail you and then you feel like majority will fail too. My insecurities will swallow me whole and when they arise yo, I'm not in control. No, that's rude, find a bridge and jump off. And if I tell you to fuck off, then fuck off. That's not me bein' immature about it
That's me admitting I'm insecure about it and I'm sorry if I'm seeming insane but I wrote this while I was at the peak of the pain. But now it's got me thinking I should keep it to myself. But I can't, I need it 'cause it helps. I hope you don't mind if I spill my pain. The longer that I don't is like I'm going insane, can I let it all out?

You know, some days it feels as if I'm this tiny speck of white in a void of endless and infinite black mess. It's kind of suffocating at times. People laugh at me when I'm sitting by myself and I'm like, so fucking what? I like being on my own, I like not being bothered. I dated alot of people a couple years back thinking it would lead me to somewhere useful or that it would make me realise who I am. Guess what? It didn't. What really made me aware of who I am is being left alone. Is being lonely, is being scared, is having no one. Lately I've been thinking about becoming an author. I think I could really write the raw and honest truth of people. I can see myself in an apartment like Carrie's, exactly like her. I'm honestly only interested in love stories of some kind, and I thought of my own love story and gagged at the thought of having to re-live you. Sometimes I feel like utterly fucking my life up just so I have something interesting to write about.

I'm so sorry for the greed, sorry for the hate, sorry for the mess I left you. But I don't want it back, I don't need it back. I don't need a parachute.

New, not so improved.

I haven't written on this blog for awhile and I want you all to know that I'm a different person now. My words don't flow as fluently as I would like them to, I don't have much to write about except the strangers I see on buses because I've been keeping it on the "down low." Not many people know me anymore, I'm bare and pure and I've usually got my head stuck in a book.

Today I met up with a girl who I haven't seen or had a real conversation with for months. I used to consider her my sister. We spent Valentines Day together, she helped me pack my room up when I was moving, when my brother was in hospital she ran up to me when I came back to school and hugged me, we sent each other letters every week that I still have. Every single one of them. She was the one holding me together even though I was falling apart and stumbling through the school halls. She was the one listening to me asking him if he had taken something or if he was trying to take his own life. She was there for me through so much and she taught me so much. If she didn't come into my life, I honestly don't know where I would be. She helped me through the darkest times of my life and for that, I'll be forever thankful.