it's not as if this year was horrible, it's just, i'm so excited for a fresh start.

i'm going to be a new person in the new year.

i hate how you don't let me make my own mistakes. i hate how i feel like i can't talk to you about anything. i'm sorry, but you can't protect me for the rest of my life. i may be young, but this is my life.

i have enough people in my life telling me what to do, you aren't going to become one of them.

"what do you want to be when you're older?" "anything but that."

i keep telling myself 'do it if it feels right and only if you're ready' but it doesn't and i'm not.

it makes me feel better, you saying that you don't want to force me into anything or want to do anything that will make me feel uncomfortable. i do but i don't, there's just so many things i keep thinking about. it all gives me goosebumps. i keep thinking about it and i just get so fucking nervous and scared i start to feel like i'm going to throw up. what if i do something wrong? what if it just doesn't work? what if this ruins everything. i'm so, fucking, nervous.

stop dwelling on what happened and start realise what's happening.

clarity.

this is for me, not for you. this does not mean i'm ready to be your friend or to start talking with you again. this means that i am over you, completely and totally. i'm over everything you've done to me, it doesn't hurt anymore and it doesn't bother me anymore. this is for me and no one else, it's so i can start 2011 without you and be happy and start over. so i can be someone new without the past tying me down. this doesn't mean that if i hear your name i won't curse about it, it doesn't mean i need you in my life. this is for me, it's so i can finally breathe.

sometimes i look at you and think what have you really been doing or thinking about. i'll look at your eyes and wonder what's really behind them, what they've seen, what they want to see. i always try to read your expressions or your words as your actual mind, and let me tell you this, it's deffinatly not the same thing. i'd always look into your eyes after we had, had a fight and think to myself 'is he still mad with me? did he really mean all those things he said about\to me?' but now that everything is behind us, now that we've both admitted to being wrong but that we both mean too much to one another to let something like whats happened between us to tear us apart, i'm glad to know that you would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. but sometimes i still look into your eyes and wonder if you really did think i was a mistake.

it's going to get harder, it's going to burn brighter and it's going to feel tougher each and every day. so let me say that i love you. you're all i've ever wanted, all i've ever dreamed of to come, and yes you did come. i want you so bad, can you feel it too? you know i'm so, i'm so in love with you.

i hope this is true.

"emmylou, everyday i think about you. i don't need reminding. i'm never going to forget someone like you. you are the first girl i ever actually loved and trust." i saw these words, and remembered the last time a boy said that to me, and how he left. how he promised he never would, but he did. instead i closed my eyes, and smiled and hoped it was true because i believed it.

i said i would never let you go, and i never did.

i said i would never let you fall, and i always meant it.

you noticed me in a crowd.

months ago, in english we had to fill in the gaps to questions like "i'm happy when, i don't like, i hate it when'' ect. i couldn't fill in most of them and i flat out said those exact words to her. she just said "you're thinking too much, i'll go around the room and come back to see where you're at." she came back, i was at the same place. a huge lump in my throat was forming and my eyes were stinging, she then filled in one of them for me. "i pretend: that i am okay." i couldn't even breathe when i read that. i looked up at her, she gave me a little smile and walked away. this will honestly be why you're my favourite teacher; you noticed me when i wasn't okay. you noticed, me. i saw you today while i was out by myself and trying to stay out of the crowds. i heard my name being said, and felt someones hand around my arm. it was you, and you gave me the same smile that you did months ago. "emmylou, merry christmas darling." and you walked off before i could reply. i walked away saying to myself that the world needs more people like you.

i hate it when you say things like how you feel like you aren't good enough for me, because honestly if you aren't, i don't know who is. (p.s i get jealous of every girl you talk to. every girl that has a nice body. every girl who has a great smile. every girl who makes you laugh. every girl.)

i never thought i'd fall for you as hard as i did. boy, you came around and you knocked me down. they say you've gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad. because i don't want to make the same mistakes again, i don't want to fall back on my face again.

i kinda, sorta, really fucking hate who you've become.

i'm planning on spending tomorrow with the boy who you told me to stay away from, the boy who you said didn't deserve me, the boy who you said you didn't want me to ever speak to again. he may have treated me badly once upon a time, but right now he's like a fucking shooting star that was made for me. and you, are now the dissapointment.

you said you've missed me because we haven't been talking much lately, i've missed you too. i try and tell you about my past couple of days, and all you say is 'that's good.' then go on about something that i don't remember because i really don't give a shit anymore. if you won't listen to me, don't expect me to listen to you. a few minutes later of me ignoring you, you ask me what i've been doing lately. i just told you. fuck you.

our second chance.

i'm sorry, but when you asked me if i trusted you? i had to laugh. i thought it was a ridiculous question, considering you are one of the very little people i trust with absolutely anything and everything. i know you aren't a typical guy, you may say and do somethings that may make other people think differently, but i know the truth because you've showed me. i'm not afraid to let you see who i really am this time, i'm not afraid. i truly think that we were meant to be together; not together, together. but we were meant to be in each other's lives. i don't speak to any of my ex boyfriends because they've all shared their pointless, little opinion about me. they've made rumours, they've said un-true things, one even said that the only thing i have going for me is my boobs, but baby you know what? you said the things that hurt the most. that i was a regret, a mistake. and you know what else? we're both back where we started, which to me is amazing. but it's better now, you've changed, i know you're a different person now. i know you have no intention in hurting me or screwing this up again, and i hope you know neither do i. i think that the thing we've got going right now is all i can handle. i'm enjoying actually getting to know you, and you getting to know me. i wouldn't let anyone back into my life that spoke the words you once did to me, and that's how i know that what you and me have got, is special, one of a kind. this is our second chance, and we won't waste it.

i'm sick of getting the same stupid looks, and same stupid words thrown at me when i say, "we aren't dating."

"when i was at your house and i asked when i should leave and you just grabbed my hand and kissed it and said 'i don't want you to go.'"

wheel.

people, have the right to fly, and will when it gets compromised. their hearts say "move along," their minds say "got your heart." let's move it along. let's move it along. airports see it all the time, where's someone's last goodbye blends in with someones sigh. i won't be the last to love him. because someone's coming home, a single rose in hand. and you can't build a house of leaves, and live like it's an evergreen. it's just a seasons things, it's just a thing the seasons do. and you won't be the last, won't be the last to love me. you can find me, if you ever want again. i'll be around the bend, i'll be around the bend, i'll be around. you can't love too much.

i want to keep him dreaming.

i like your hip bones, i like touching your hip bones, i like your collar bones, i like your smell, i like it when you kiss my neck, i like your laugh, i still like those bumps around your eyes and the curve above your lips when you smile or laugh, i like how even when i stand on my toes i'm still too short to hug you properly, i like it when you pull me closer by the top of my pants or pockets, i like how your hands are always cold or really smooth, i like the way you talk, i like how you act as if i'm fragile, i like how your immediate answer to if you were going to boarding was 'no.' i like the music you send me, i like how when someone brings up us dating again we roll our eyes or ignore them and go back to whatever we were talking about and i really like kissing you, alot.

i'm sick of my body aching all the time. i'm sick of my shoulders constantly being in pain. i'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing what i see. i'm sick of being people treating me like shit for no reason. i'm sick of coming home. i'm sick of being here. i'm sick of having to miss you. i'm sick of feeling like i'm not wanted.

this town is colder now, i think it's sick of us. it's time to make our move, i'm shaking off the rust. got my heart set on anywhere but here. i'm staring down myself, and counting up the years. steady hands just take the wheel, and every glance is killing me. time to make one last appeal for the life i lead. stop and stare, i think i'm moving but i go nowhere. yeah, i know everyone gets scared but i've become what i can't be. oh, stop and stare. you start to wonder why you're here and not there, and you'll give anything to get what's fair. but fair ain't what you really need. oh, stop and stare. they're trying to come back, all my senses push, untie the weight bags i thought i never could. steady feet, don't fail me now. i'm gonna run 'till you can't walk but something pulls my focus.

alot's changed over the past three years.

whenever i would walk into your room you would be doing homework. you were the girl in class who always did the homework, always finished the assignments, straight A's were your thing. i walked through the corridors and saw you holding up one of your many awards and smiling. whenever i would walk into your room, if life on the murder scene wasn't on, my chemical romance would be playing and you would be sketching superheroes. all you spoke about was school, how no one liked you, how if you weren't sitting by yourself at lunch or sitting in the library, you'd be in the bathrooms crying. when i walked into your bedroom, you would be wearing skateshoes, black skinny jeans and you would be holding your skateboard. "let's go down to the school and skate." black and white images covered your draws, god how i wanted to be you. now when i walk into your new bedroom, three posters in a single line cover your wall. there isn't a thing on the ground because you've been down the coast for the past few days. your keys are on your bedside table and you're telling me about one of the many times when you were drunk, how everything is "so good, so good." you tell me about all the new people you meet, all the new inside jokes, another time you were off your face. but i don't care; i don't care that you drink, i don't care that you go over your limit, i don't care that you hook up with random guys at parties and i don't care that you apparently aren't ever home. while we were driving and as you were telling me another story, i saw the smile on your face i realised that this is all you've ever wanted. and even though you've changed so fucking much it scares me sometimes? i love you just the same.

party and bullshit and party and bullshit.

driving in your car over the limit by alot, biggie smalls and lupe fiasco was the only thing containing my mind, newspaper and your strawberry milk in my hands, swirving on the road, your contagious laughter. you give me this fantastic feeling, you make this amazing atmosphere whenever i'm with you. any day planned to be with you is never a regret.

i want to ask you what you're doing next year. but maybe i shouldn't? maybe not knowing will hurt less, or maybe knowing for longer will help me prepare if you do leave? i don't know, i just don't know. i don't want you to leave.

it's not like you to say sorry. i was waiting on a different story, this time i'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking. i've been wrong, i've been down to the bottom of every bottle. these fives words in my head scream "are we having fun yet?" it's not like you didn't know that, i said i love you and i swear i still do and it must have been so bad 'cause living with me must have damn near killed you.

you've sort of let me down.

i wanted you to stay. 'cause i needed to hear you say that 'i love you, i have loved you all along. i forgive you for being away for far too long. so keep breathing, 'cause i'm not leaving you anymore. believe it, hold onto me and never let me go.'

for the past few hours we've been talking about a lot of things. like how you're always doing something with your hands because its sort of like a nervous habit, i told you how i have weird habits too, you told me i look better with my hair tied back because it shows my face more, you said that you always feel better when you're around me or talking to me and that i never annoy you, i told you about the shit morning i was having but once i saw you i felt better, how we both have weird things we do like how we spend a few minutes to make sure we've gotten the conditioner out of our hair in the shower, you told me alot of stuff that made more sense like why you always play with my hands and why you spin your phone around, you said you felt sick this morning because you thought i was really mad at you, you told me about when you used to smoke, how my face went red because i was laughing so hard during p.e and i told you how i wanted to send you cute cat photo's. but you know what's the greatest thing of all? you haven't made me feel stupid for telling you these things, you haven't judged me or made fun of me and i like that. i like this.

the reason why i don't regret anything anymore; it's not worth it.

i was lying in bed before, my knees up to my chin, tears rolling down my cheeks and listening to the song you sent me, that i've promised myself i won't listen to anymore. an all too familiar feeling came over me, everything started flooding back to me. i remembered lying in my dark bedroom and crying really loud. no one heard me, even though i sort of wanted someone to. i wanted someone to notice that i wasn't happy or okay, not for me to just break down at school. for someone else to take the time out of their day to help me. i would just go over everything i did wrong, everything i should have done, all the dissapointing things i did. every mistake i made. everything that i fucked up. the nights when i kept our conversation going through my mind when you rang me intoxicated at seven in the morning. asking myself what i had done that was so bad that you had to leave me. why my best friend would fucking ignore me everyday and why she didn't try to help me when she asked what was up with my arm. why was i so afraid to leave. why did i push the right people out and keep the wrong people in. why didn't anyone care. why was i alone. why did my family have to constantly fight with eachother. why was i even alive. it was at that point i realised i needed to wipe my tears away because no one else was going to. i needed to take a deep breath and move along, get over it, get out of my bed and do something. i needed to push those memories further to the back of my mind because i was doing so well of pretending they didn't happen, trying to forget everything. i can't let the past control me ever again, it's not worth it.

"no one really knew, you only know now about how i really felt." "i know the feeling. the feeling of being cheated on, it's fucked. you feel like you didn't mean anything to them, and it hurts even more when they meant alot to you." "you just summed up all the words that i'm feeling." "you'll be okay though."

you will understand that some people are just there to hurt you, you will understand that those people will shape who you are and what you do. trust me, i would know. i don't talk around or to certain people because i'm scared of what they'll say back. i don't like sitting in certain places because i'm scared of having food thrown at me. peoples opinions of you? pft, a waste of time to worry over. no one other than yourself can define who you are. you will learn that girls are bitches and guys are assholes. you'll realize that not everyone wants or needs your help, and i hope you'll realise that you have to focus that energy onto people who do.

"ahh emmylou, tut tut. you call me a noob, you're such a silly billy. :) you're not gross at all, you pretty fool, listen to me. i swear if you don't i will hulk punch you and say your fave word nonstop in your ear okay? you are very very pretty." it's these sort of things that brighten my day.

i hope you wonder why i don't have conversations with you. don't fucking come home and start fucking yelling at me. fuck off.

these past few days when i look at you, sometimes i think 'you can't go back to boarding school. you can't leave me here.' as i was coming home on the bus today, i thought about what it would be like here without you, and it scared me. my heart beats got faster, my throat started to sting and tears were swelling in my eyes. the truth is, if you leave, i'm not going to be okay. you may have said thing that have torn me up inside, you may have made me cry more times than i can count, you may have made me feel lonely for a few weeks but, you mean so god damn much to me.

good things are on the way.

i have faith that things will change. i have faith that things will get better. i have faith that it will be okay. i have faith that everything that needs to, will fall into place. i have faith in music, love and strength.

i told myself i wouldn't talk to you ever again. those six words were ringing in my ears today while we were talking. i keep thinking that this is wrong, but the 'it feels so right' takes over that feeling.

when you talk to me you look at me and you listen, you ask me questions and you don't ignore my answers anymore, you aren't rude to me anymore and you don't insult me anymore and if you do, i know you're joking. i can see you trying, and i'm really happy about that.

i've missed your voice.

"i miss you. i love you, and i hope you're happy."

i can't ask you to stay purely for my sanity. you need to be happy, even if i'm not.

"i'm going to be honest, i want you to say 'i love you.'" when i read the first sentence, all i said to myself was 'i just can't.' but then you said. "i bitched school today because i was angry and i wanted to be alone because i needed to think. i don't know what i'm going to do next year, i'm thinking about going to CIT or just try to find a job. i really don't want to go to school anymore. unless i go back to boarding school."

i'm free, wandering, lost and ready.

i shouldn't have told you that, because now i feel like you think there's a chance of something happening when there really isn't and i know if i tell you that then it's going to ruin what's been happening these past few days, which i've really missed. this is going to sound really bad but, you had me, and you pushed me away and you hurt me all the time and you made me feel stupid and, well, you had me. and honestly, i'm not going to go through that again. i'm not going to let another guy treat me like that again. i like that i feel free, i like knowing that i can kiss anyone i want, i like that i don't have to feel bad because he actually appreciates me, i like how my relationships with my friends and new people are. i'm sorry, but you ruined every ounce of hope i ever had for anything, and it could never be the same.

it's three a.m, i'm outside your window. jump the fence, your dad will never know. i fell in love with you in my passenger seat. then you took control of the radio and turned up all the songs i know. i'm risking everything, and that's alright with me. roll down the window, we'll never get caught. baby, no one will know. just sweep me off my feet again. my new addiction: i'll be waiting. i've been addicted to this story of a boy who can help this girl meet world, and sweep me off my feet again. back seat down, fog on the windows. the sun came up about an hour ago and i kissed your head like i always did.

when i'm looking at the clouds, i'm wondering if you're seeing the same sky as i am. i'm wondering if you're thinking of me too.