it still scares me.

fifteen years later and i honestly still don't fully understand it. but this is what i think of it: when i was born, there was a blood clot in my brain that stopped any fluids going in or out, so a tube was put in. it runs from the top of my head to my bladder i think. i wasn't supposed to be how i am right now, i'm pretty sure they thought i wasn't even going to live that long, it's a miracle that i did. i think was expected for me to be a vegetable. when i was younger i remember going in and out of hospitals or doctors appointments all the time. when i was eleven, the tube that drains the fluids from my brain, broke. a part of my hair was shaved and i had a pretty serious surgery to reattach the tube. it was horrible and so fucking scary. i remember freaking out when i was being put under anesthia and asking my mum what was happening. then waking up with a really blurred vision, my throat incredibly sore and my dad holding my hand and crying, then going back up to my room, sleeping, eating, ect. i wasn't allowed to get out of bed for awhile, so i was practically lying down for almost 48 hours which makes your body freak out a little. i wasn't able to get up and pee or shower or anything. then when i was allowed to get up, i just felt so nausus and dizzy that i almost fell over which could have ripped the staples out of my stomach. when i could finally walk, i just remember going into the bathroom and looking at myself. my hair was almost becoming like dread locks. it hadn't been brushed or washed in nearly three days and there was all this orange shit through it which was supposed to keep the cut clean. i had never seen it so knotty in my life, and back then my hair was pretty long. it was up in a high pony tail on top of my head, then i turned my head and saw the shaved part and started crying. i looked so disgusting, these doctors had hardly taken fucking care of me. my fancy-ass doctor couldn't even get his fat ass up to my room to tell me if it was safe or not for me to get up. i couldn't sleep because i hadn't peed in almost 24 hours and was told my bladder would probably burst. it was probably one of the worst experiences of my life, i can hardly even bring myself to tell my best friends what actually happened to me. i have two scars on my stomach and one on my head. you can see the tube pop out of my neck sometimes, i can feel it and it scares me. i'm so scared of the tube breaking again, i'm fucking terrifed.