keep me where the light is.

see, you met me at an interesting time. if my past is any sign of your future you should be warned before i let you inside. hold on to whatever you find baby, hold on to whatever will get you through. hold on to whatever you find baby, i don't trust myself with loving you. i will beg my way into your garden and i will break my way out when it rains, just to get back to the place where I started so i can want you back all over again. who do you love? girl i see right through, through your love. who do you love, me or the thought of me?

favourite lyrics.

i bought some funky records with that old motown sound and i miss you like my left arm that's been lost in a war.

I think what I need to do is just let loose. I'm going to be a better, nicer person this semester. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let people walk all over me. If you hurt me, expect it back. I'm going to try and not be scared. I just need to be proud of who I am, and if anyone has a problem with that it's their problem and not mine. I know I'm a good person, I know I can do a lot of good, I just give my all to the wrong people. I just need to chill and not get caught up in useless drama. I have to stop looking for love and try and let it come to me. Just make the best of everything, love everything.

the only thing i can get from this anymore is the good times and the love we shared. we had an amazing year together, we had our fair share of ups and downs but it was amazing regardless. we were in love, we were crazy for eachother. i've learnt many things from this, and one of them is that people can love eachother, but sometimes that isn't enough and even thought two people want to be together doesn't mean they can be. after we broke up you told me that i should be careful with who i put myself around because a lot of guys are bad, i guess neither of us knew that one of those bad guys were you. i can't remember the exact feeling but i know you loved me, i know there was a time when we were those kids in the movies you see who fall for eachother and spend the summer together. some days i think i'm invincible, some days i'm so scared without you. i constantly feel like something is missing. i'm so stupid to even still feel like this. it was my decision to get you out of my life, and i'm not saying i want you back. all i'm saying is that i wish it hadn't ended up like this, i wish you could have kept your promises. i need to stop remembering the negatives and remember the positives, there were plenty. you were everything i could have ever asked for and more, you were perfect and i'm sorry i was so scared to tell you how i really felt. i have to be thankful that i atleast had someone like you. i have to be thankful that i got to get to know you, that i got to love you and that i got to share so much with you. but i have to move on, i have to let you go because this is just killing me.

i miss the really late night conversations. i miss the sudden text message i would get as soon as i got offline. i miss the whispers we would send eachother. i miss making plans. i miss the dirty jokes that would make me laugh for ages. i miss how you would come to my house at any time of the day, rain or no rain. i miss the way you made me laugh. i miss having my bestfriend around. then i remember what you did to me, what you did to us and i wish i never met you.

i haven't gone a single day the past five or six years without listening to music. i can honestly say music is one of the biggest parts of my life, i don't want to sound like some cliche teen but it's true. i wouldn't be who i am without it, that's a fact. every show i've gone to, i'm the happiest i've ever been without having to try. i can cry, i can scream, i can sing, i can hold the people next to me who i may not even know. the last gig i went to, i stood next to a complete stranger and and my best friend. i just went crazy, i didn't give two shits about what i looked like or sounded like. there are certain lyrics that ring in my ears from these moments. i saw a little sydney band as an opening act for good charlotte, called new empire who had a new song coming out. that song honestly changed me, maybe not in a whole lot but at the time and what i was going through, it changed me. "if he hurts you, then why are you in love?" over and over. then when good charlotte came on? benji started talking before he played 'hold on' which still sends shivers up my arms. "this song is for anybody who is going through something in their life because we've all been there." that song is one of my favourites. who ever's reading this either has no idea what i'm talking about or doesn't care but god, i can't even explain the feeling.

last night you told me that when i got back into another relationship i have to forget everything he's said to me and done to me because he only said it to hurt me. about half an hour ago you told me almost out of no where "just stop emmylou, i'm not going to hurt you." even though my head is telling me i should stay away, something else it telling me different. every question i ask about my self, "am i doing this right? should i be doing this? do i look okay?" all leads back to you because i'm used to being told i can do something right, that i shouldn't be doing something or that i'm looking like shit. i'm used to it, how sad is that? i may now be a mistake to you, but that's okay because you are nothing but that to me.

i've been trying to stop myself from having these feelings for you, but i can't help it. you're so kind and interesting and you've pretty much been the one person who's truely been here for me this week. i swear i would have done something really bad to myself if it wasn't for you. we seem to have a lot in common. we can talk about anything. you make everything okay and i like that about you. you've helped me with all my little questions and you haven't made me feel silly at all. i wake up and i'm thinking about you, before i go to bed you're sending me goodnight texts. i really like you.

i'm not going to let anyone walk over me, because i am not a fucking doormat. i'm not giving anyone a second fucking chance, because if i really meant anything to them in the first place they wouldn't have fucked me over.

fuck fuck fuck

i really fucking needed you today. i needed anyone. i needed to get out of my house, i needed to talk to someone, i needed some air, i needed something to do, i needed someone to tell me that i didn't deserve this, i needed to feel like i was needed. fuck you, you're such a dissapointment. i don't know why i bother with you anymore. isn't funny how one of my best fucking friends couldn't have the decency to ask me what was going on, but a guy i've been talking to for just a couple of days now is more interested in my well being. i'm pretty sure if it wasn't for him last night, i would have done something stupid. it feels like not a single person cares.

i want to have a huge bonfire. i want all my friends around me. i want there to be music, really loud so you can't talk. i want to pull out my diary that i've written everything in. i got it before you and i met so you can imagine the things that are in it. everything is in it. all your letters that are covered in lies. god i can't even bring myself to think about looking at them. your i.d, the last time i looked at i gagged. right now i feel like going to my bathroom and shoving my finger down my throat, that's how sick i feel. i can't stand the thought of your face. those innocent-looking eyes, that hold anything but innocence. i want to throw everything in a fire, i want everything to go back to year nine, where i had a best friend who would have done anything for me. when i had no boy problems, everything was just starting to calm down. then you walked into my life. god i would give anything to go back to then and tell myself to walk away. i want everything to burn, burn burn. i wouldn't mind seeing you in that fire either. i want our relationship to go in that fire. i want to run, run and run. i want to run away from canberra and leave all my problems here along with you. i thought i was strong, i really did. i thought that because i had taken every bullet possible from you, i'd be able to take anything. i have my bullet proof jacket on, and as i read those messages it was as if you were whispering those words in my ear and takeing that vest off for me like you always did. seeing as i hadn't seen you around for a month or so, i thought you were dead. a part of me wished it was.

i can't breathe. i don't know why i looked on through your facebook messages. why did i do that. oh god why. i'm shaking, i feel so cold. you've ripped my heart out again. i can't even feel it anymore. i can't feel anything. all i want to do is stop. i don't want to show up to school again. i can't ever see you again. i couldn't even look at the rest. i just saw my name and stopped. i can't stop shaking.

life goes on, days get brighter. i'm feeling like i came in with my haze and no lighter. so i'm looking for the missing peice, going down in history for ripping beats. smooth games, sweeter than a krispy kreme. you tune into my station, i hope you're listening. turn it up and follow my journey as i love my dream. all natural whole foods that lay you back, have you straight chilling in a dope mood and some shit is happy like show tune. this is a brand new world, i can show you. some people still have no clue but they can look at all this cheese that i produce. in a world that goes round, are you up or you down? are you in or you out, are you smilin' are you frown? just get up, get up. get up, get up. GET UP, GET UP.

it will never the same.

you told me you would take me to formal and you would slow dance with me, infact you promised. you wanted me to wear something blue, i wanted you to wear a nice suit. as much as we planned, as much as spoke about it i knew it would never happen. we would either not be friends by then or you would let me down and tell me to go by myself so tried not to get too excited. it was a nice thought to have though. i could see all of our photo's together, us kissing and holding hands and eachother. i was hoping that people would say "look how good they are together." - you touched my heart and touched my soul. you changed my life and all my goals. love is blind and i knew when my heart was blinded by you. i've kissed your lips and held your hand. we shared your dreams and shared your bed. i know you well, i know your smell. i've been addicted to you. - remember the day when you really upset me? i screamed at you, i threw all of your things on the ground and kicked them. you just sat there and looked at me. i yelled at you to give me my things and i walked away and clenched my fists. i could see your shadow catching up with me fast because you were running after me. you grabbed my arm tight and spun me around, i held my fist up at you and as i went to hit you, you moved. i remember the fear in your eyes and i screamed "get your fucking hands off me." you should never have underestimated me. you wouldn't let me go back to my house until i told you i was okay. did i look fucking okay? i don't remember what happened after that but i told you to pick your shit up off the ground and walk me home. you wouldn't let me walk up my street because, well i don't know, because you were annoying like that. you kept trying to poke me and lift my face up to yours but i couldn't look you in the eye, and when i finally did you could see the pain i was holding. i was so sick of doing this with you. all i know is you wouldn't let me home without dancing with you. right there and then, in the middle of the street you wanted to dance with me. you knew how happy it made me to dance with you. so i did, i wanted anything in the world to feel better again. i stood on your toes, i burried my face in your neck and you lent your head against mine. you were holding me so tight and i could hear your heart beating normally. the sound of your heart beating was my favourite sound. the smell of your skin hypnotized me, i could have lived in it forever. i closed my eyes and let you take control because i couldn't be fucked doing it. you started to moving back and forth and side to side. you asked me if i wanted some music, i said nodded while still burrying myself beside your collarbones. "dum, dum, di, dum, dum." i couldn't help but laugh. i could feel you smiling. i swear that was one of the happiest times i ever had with you. - i was looking at the box i have on my bedside table with bits and bobs. i found the ring you gave me for valentines day. i fucking love that ring and i loved that day. i had my head on your shoulder and we were watching the notebook. "i couldn't sleep last night because i know it's over between us. i'm not bitter anymore, because i know what we had was real. and if in some distant place in the future we see eachother in our new lives, i'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from eachother and growing in love. the best kind of love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our mind. and that's what you've given me, and that's what i'd hope to give you forever." i held your hand so tightly. i loved you so much in that moment. i don't like wearing that ring because all it does is reminds me of you. - you way you laughed when i snorted made me laugh which made you laugh even more, you were crawled up in a ball on my bed with your face in your hands and that was such a lovely day. - all i hope is that i can find someone who made me as happy as you did.

i'll be honest, i was embaressed of you. i only wanted you around when no one else was. i only slept with you because i didn't want you to be mad with me. i stuck around for so long because i loved you so much that i believed you could change. i'm was ashamed of you. i didn't like introducing you to people because you because i was embaressed. you're a terrible person and there isn't one person on this entire earth that i hate more. you need help, you're sick and twisted and fucked up. you ruined ounce of hope i had for anything, i had to pick myself up and put myself together and change myself without you which was incredibly difficult. i hate you because i loved you so much. i'm glad you're out of my life, you were never good for me. so while i'm at college next year, have fun with all the people you've lost and have fun with your year ten certificate that you won't recieve. i'll be at a new school, with new people, new friends, and hopefully a new someone in my life. you were a waste of time, and yes you were a mistake. who ever is reading this is probably thinking i'm a disgusting person for saying those things, but there's no one i would ever say this about other than him. i'll be honest one more time, i have no idea where you are. i don't know if you're dead, i don't know if you've left this town, i don't know if you're still a five minute walk away and in all honesty i don't what to know.

we found eachother in the dark.

it was dark. i was happy with my night and how things had turned out. i kept pretending to scratch my leg just so i could brush my hand past yours hoping you would get a hold of it. my light was turned out, i could hear snoring and it was just him and i awake. i couldn't see anything but i could see the outline of you sit up and turn to me, then all of a sudden i felt your lips on mine. we kissed and kissed, i couldn't stop smiling and i knew it was kinda ruining it, trust me i tried really hard to stop. your hands slid down to my hip, my hand slid up to your neck. our legs were intertwined. when i stated to drift to sleep i had a nightmare, and woke up to your kisses on my forehead. today i realised that you were the first guy i've shared a bed with other than my close friends. you didn't seem to want anything else other than to cuddle and have me in your arms. you didn't make me do anything i didn't want to and you didn't have any wondering hands. you didn't try to take my clothes off and i like that. i really fucking like that and i really fucking like you. i guess i keep thinking about it, talking about it and writing about it because i've never had a boy in my bed who wanted something other than me. every night for the past three or four weeks i've laid in my bed and wished for you to be there.

so obvious but: i fucking hate this sugar free low carb diet world. i want the wild fucking west. i want love in handcuffs. i want more scars. i don't want this fucking future. meth back sales to lower global warming. sweat shop work to burn calories. i hope this ship burns before it sinks. i hope this planes air goes bad before it crashes. i don't want this to be an affair anymore, i want to walk down the aisle with a catastrophe. lets go to hell just for the weekend. your happiness is making me miserable. waste the time of my life and is that mocking bird wont sing, i'll buy you that diamond ring. i only feel love on one side of the stage and on the side of a pillow, everything in between just makes me wish myself to peices. please don't put me back together, keep me in a box under your bed.

fuck you.

i don't need to know because i'm not your girlfriend? well i could have been, i could have been the best thing you ever had. you're not going to bother with her anymore? well that's decent of you to say after you've stuck your tongue down her throat, and her to you and who knows what else. it was just a kiss? oh fuck off, no kiss is ever "just a kiss." i bet if people hadn't told me, you wouldn't have even thought twice about how i would have felt if i found out. i give you mixed signals? sorry, i didn't know that sitting with you in class and trying to make conversation and sending you music was mixed signals. honestly i really fucking liked you and everyone fucking saw it. if you ask me, kissing me at parties and then ignoring me the next week only to kiss me again the next weekend is a mixed signal. if you ask me, telling me how much you really like me and then making out with some mutt is a mixed signal. if you fucking ask me, sleeping in my bed and having you insist i sleep in your arms and then saying how you would rather some other ugly bitch IS A FUCKING MIXED SIGNAL. fuck i'm sick of guys, i'm sick of making an effort when all i get is this. all i can say is, it's your loss.

i just read about two or three old posts i had written about you. i couldn't read the rest, i phsically could not. for a few seconds i hated myself even more. i cringed. i felt like i was going to be sick. the only regret i have is you. i hate you with a firey passion, no one could ever compare to the hatred i have for you. i have no words to describe it. not the guy who never fought for me, not the people who went behind my back, not the people who have treated me like i wasn't alive, not the guy who promised me everything and left me broken, not the girl who continues to try and ruin my best friends life, not the people i go to school with who laugh at me. no one. i don't know how to get over my hate for you, that's the worst thing about this because it's the one thing i need.

i'll never be a knight in shining armour with a sword in hand or a kamikaze fighter. don't count on me to storm the barricades and take a stand or hold my ground. you'll never see any scars or wounds. i don't walk on coal, i won't walk on water. i am no prince, i am no saint, i am not anyones wildest dream but i will stand behind and be someone to fall back on. you're bruised and beaten down, and i'm the one who's looking for a favor. still honestly, you don't believe me but the things i have are the things you need. you look at me like i don't make sense, like a waste of time, like it serves no purpose. i am no prince, i am no saint, and if that's what you believe you need, you're wrong. you don't need much, you just need someone to fall back on - and i'll be that. i'll take your side if i'm the only one, i'm used to that. i'll be your prince, i'll be your saint, i will go crashing throuhg fences in your name, i swear. i'll be someone to fall back on.

i'm kind of having a shit time at the moment, and i feel that as if i yelled this in someone's ear they wouldn't even care.