there are many things that i don't deal with, there are many things that i push to the back of my head, there are things i force myself not to think about. one of them? is you. another one of them is next year. i hate being told that i need to 'pull my socks up' and get on with my school work and to not let anyone get in the way of that. what if i don't want to? what if i don't want to go to college? if i don't want to study to become an art teacher? as far as i'm concerned, you don't exsist.

there was a time when i thought you did everything right. no lies, no wrong. boy, i must have been out of my mind. when i think of the last time that i almost loved you, you showed yourself and i saw the real you. thank god you blew it, thank god i dodged the bullet. thank god i found the good in goodbye, i used to want you so bad, i'm so through with that. 'cause honestly you turned out the be the best thing i never had.

well fuck you.

i'm confused and am getting pretty frustrated. i understand that you have things going on at home, and that your dad is sick. but that's all you have to tell me. "hey emmylou, i'm not sure if i can handle a relationship right now." or "hey emmylou, i'm a little shy and am not sure on how to go about this." because honestly, i don't know if i can handle a relationship right now and i don't know how to go about this either. you can't just hook up with me at my party, spend the night with me in my bed and then not speak to me. you can't then hook up with me at another party, hold my hand, kiss me goodbye infront of a room full of people and tell me how you "really like me" and then not speak to me, because i know it wasn't some ordinary hook up, i've had them and that wasn't it. i'm starting to think that you don't really want anything to happen, and i've started the also get the thought that you were using me - which i'm really hoping isn't the case.

i've been up all night staring at you, wondering what's on your mind. you want the sunrise to go back to bed, i want to make you laugh. mess up my bed, with me. kick off the covers, i'm waiting. every word you're saying, i'm thinking i should write down. i don't want to forget come day light. i'm happy to lay here, happy to be here. i'm happy to know you.

if you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to a person or thing.

isabella lomax.

this girl right here, has been my best friend for the past four years. we've stood by eachother through anything. we've had our share of differences, but nothing ever seems to phase our friendship. she's the one i can trust with absolutely anything, she's the one i can count on for absolutely anything. she is so beautiful and so amazing and she doesn't even realise it. she's always there when i need someone to talk to, when i need someone to laugh with, when i need someone to tell me i'm wrong or right, when i need someone to reasure me everything will be okay. i don't know what i would do without her, to be honest i don't even like to think about it.

she deserves much more than she's got. "i hate how amazing you are. no, actually in all truth i love it. i just hate that i'm not you. you better never doubt how incredible you are. it's all true. you are freaking amazing. you're a fun person, you're beautiful, you're sarcastic but you're like, still serious. you can talk to people, and ah, you're just perfect. to me you're perfect so that ain't lying. half the stuff you say and do, i couldn't even try. you're more confident than you think, emmylou. your welcome, it would be a real shame for someone like you to go around thinking your nothing. when that's so far from the truth."

i was walking home and i looked down your street. i wondered where you were, what you were doing, why you come to school once a week. i wondered if maybe you had gotten the deal with mrs oates, or you were now a part time student. i then realised that i didn't care, and that was a breath of fresh air. i don't forgive you, i forgive myself.

this is going to bring me clarity.

this is going to take the heart right out of me.

i like how you joke around with me, but don't make me feel stupid. i like how you seem to like kissing my forehead instead of my lips. i like holding your hands. i like your eyes. i like how you make me feel beautfiul just by the way you look at me. i like how i can feel good about myself and still have my clothes on. i like how you're friends with my friends. i like how you spoke to my parents and brother the other weekend. i like how you care. i like how i slept in your arms and you played with my hair and didn't look at my funny in the morning. i don't know if this will go anywhere, but i'm excited.

we've been in one or two little arguements. we've had our months of not speaking. you tell me i'm beautiful everytime we talk, which has been everyday for awhile. this weekend we're planning on speaking over skype so i can hear lovely accent again, because you know how much i love it. i've told you things i haven't even told my best friend that i see everyday. you're the one boy that has never let me down or hurt me. when i tell people about you, and tell them how i've never met you, they give me the craziest looks. what they don't understand is the feelings you give me, or just how amazing it will be when we meet. we've both agreed that if we were in the same country, there would be no doubt that we would be together. you've told me that you think i'm the one for you. i tell you i love you when i've been with someone else, you've told me you love me when you were with someone else. i will tell you i love you no matter fucking what. you tell me about your relationship problems, i tell you about mine. we come to eachother for advice, we come to eachother for anything and everything. the amount of times i've been hurt, i've been crying, i've been broken and come to you for help is unbelievable. i just have so many things to say about you, but i can never quite get my words together. thankyou for exsisting. (when i meet your mum i will give her a huge kiss on the cheek for having an amazing kid.)

i'm not afraid to admit that i'm scared of being hurt again, but i think it's a waste of time to sit around and let your fears get to you and stop you from taking a chance. so instead i'm going to try my hardest to make my past make me better, and not bitter. but just please, don't turn out like him.

something just felt so weird about it. i can't tell if it's because i'm scared of being hurt again, not sure i feel the same way or that kissing someone elses lips felt like one of the strangest things.

it was nice to wake up in your arms after having a bad dream. the kisses on my forehead were even nicer.

alabama, arkansas, i do love my ma and pa, but not as much as i do love you. holy moley, me o-my, you're the apple of my eye. girl i've never loved one like you. man oh, man, you're my best friend. i'll scream it to the nothingness, there ain't nothing that i need. hot and heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, jesus christ, ain't nothing please me more than you. i'll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark, girl i've never loved one like you. moats and boats and waterfalls, alley ways and pay phone calls. i've been everywhere with you. we laugh until we think we'll die, barefoot on a summer night. nothing new is sweeter than with you. in the streets you run a-free like it's only you and me. geeze you're something to see. la la la, take me home.

i used to think that one day we would tell the story us; how the sparks flew instantly and how people would say "they're the lucky ones." i used to know my place was a spot next to you, now i'm searching the room for an empty seat. a simple complication, miscommunications lead to fall out. there's so many things that i wish you knew, so many walls that i can't break through. now i'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking. i'm dying to know, is it killing you like it's killing me? how'd we end up this way? see me pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy and you're doing your best to avoid me. i'm starting to think that one day i'll tell the story of us. of how i was losing my mind when i saw you here. but you held your pride like you should've held me. i'm scared to see the ending, why are we pretending this is nothing? i would tell you i miss you but i don't know how. i've never heard silence quite this loud.

you're the northern wind, sending shivers down my spine. you're like falling leaves in the autumn night. you're the lullaby singing me to sleep. you are the other half. you're like a missing peice. oh my love, you don't know what you do to me. you are all four seasons rolled into one. you're like the cold december snow, in the warm july sun. i'm the jet black sky before the rain. like the mighty current, pulling you under the waves. oh my love, you must be tired of me. i'm the darkest hour just before the dawn. i'm slowly sinking into the slough of despond. like an old guitar, worn out and left behind. i have stories still to tell of the healing kind. oh my love, if i could just find you tonight.

it's my birthday tomorrow and i'm wondering if you remembered.

i always got so confused, fuck it, i still am, with the fact that you thought you weren't selfish. you never once thought about my feelings, only your own. you put the thought into my head that whenever we got into a fight, you would try and kill yourself. you never thought for one minute that i had other things going on. i had to treat you like a fucking baby, not my boyfriend. not a man, but a little boy. i stuck by you through everything. when everyone around me told me not to, when everyone hated me for it, when no one believed in you but me. you never really understood the concept with me. i don't think you ever knew me. i don't put up with shit, 'specially from guys. you could go and ask all of my ex boyfriends, they'll tell you the same thing. but with you? i did. i put up anything you could throw at me. i stood there while you shot insults at me, i stood by you when everyone else hated you, i believed in you with every cell in my body. you took me for granted, and i love the fact that you still expect me to put up with your fucking shit. because this time, you aren't getting what you want and that's what eases the pain of me finally realising you never loved me, cared for me or respected me.

if you speak to him again you will:

1. 
   
   start shaking uncontrollaby. 2. you will feel the need to throw up. 3. he'll push those walls of "not caring" right down. 4. you will feel worse. 5. you will hate yourself for it. 6. you'll be giving him what he wants. 7. he will try and take the place of being the victim. 8. you'll be giving him satisfaction, when you know he doesn't deserve it. 9. you'll make him think that he can get whatever he wants. 10. most importantly, you need to remember that if you let him make you nervous or scared, that he still has control over you. show him you don't care, show him what he's missing, show him that there will never be another next time. now do you want this? no, you don't. you've been working too hard to let someone like him to bring you down. so stop.

i will not be seeing you next year. i don't know what i'm more scared of, not being able to know you're alive or starting over at a new school.

don't you worry, there my honey. we might not have any money, but we've got our love to pay the bills. maybe i think you're cute and funny. maybe i want to do what bunnies do with you, if you know what i mean. lets get rich and buy our parents house in the south of france. lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance. lets get rich and build our house on a mountain, making everybody look like ants from way up there. you and i, you and i, you and i. well you might be abit confused, and you might be a little bit bruised but baby how we spoon like no one else. so i will help you read those books if you will soothe my worried looks and we will put the lonesome on the shelf. oh let's get rich and buy our parents house in the south of france. let's get rich and buy everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance. let's get rich and build a house on a mountain, making everybody look like ants. you and i, you and i, you and i.

i'm reading the first posts i ever posted on this blog and i'm remembering the feelings i had when i wrote them. at first i was scared because i noticed how much of a bad place i was in, and as the posts go along i notice how much happier i seem and i know that was because of you. you pulled me out of that depression and i never told you. i was scared because i don't have you anymore and the thought of being how i used to be makes me sick and makes me think that all of this was for nothing.

fourth of june.

we had been spending the month before together quite alot. we'd hide in the corridors from teachers, we held hands in science, we kissed when your best friend walked to basketball training, we flirted like it was everyday conversation, people walked past talking and some even came up to us and asked if we were dating. i remember looking at your fingers and how they were tangled up in mine, looking up at your green eyes and smiling and saying "of course." a year ago today, you were walking me up to english. you stopped me at the first floor at school and spun me around and said "can i asking you something?" you looked so nervous, yet calm at the same time. i said "sure." you grabbed me and pulled me closer to you. you looked down, then back up at me. i asked you what you wanted to ask me, and you smiled and asked me to be your girlfriend. i can still remember the pain in my cheeks from smiling and the look on your face when i ''of course." i was so happy, i was so excited to see what would happen with you and me because i knew that what we had already, was special. i wanted to tell you everything about me, i wanted to experience everything possible with you. i honestly could not see myself being with anyone else in the world. you were so special to me, i would have done anything for you. we've gone through so much in the past year: from shyly holding hands in the lecture theatre, to roughly kissing behind brick walls. from screaming at eachother, to sharing a bed together. from walking home together, to becoming best friends. from breaking up, to making up, and doing that a few times over. now look at us. we went through everything together. somedays i know, i just know that i could never regret what we had. then others? i honestly wish i had never met you. i don't know how to feel anymore, some times i know i'll be just fine, but then others i feel like i'll never get over us.

will be good to me.

perfect.

you can't touch me now there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath. what you did to me boy, i can't forget. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath. i was under your spell for such a long time, couldn't break the chains. you played with my heart, tore me apart with your lies and games. it took all the strength i had but i crawled up on my feet again. now you're trying to lure me back, don't you know those days are gone my friend? i loved you so much that i thought that someday you would change. all you brought me was a heart full of pain. you can't touch me now there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back don't hold your breath. i was always worried about you but you didn't care about me, none. you took my money and i know you, you could kill someone. i gave you everything but nothing was ever enough. you were always jealous over crazy stuff. you can't touch me now, there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath. move on, don't look back, love is gone, face the facts. a bad movie ends and the screen fades black. what you did to me boy, i can't forget. you can't touch me now, there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath.

you want to talk, and it doesn't fucking suprise me. i said no, you asked if i had anything to say to you, i said no again. "not even to tell me how much of a dickhead i am?" "nope." because honestly i have nothing left to say to you, and even if i did, you don't deserve to hear it. i was thinking about it today, even if you had the nuts to come up to me and talk to me, i would have nothing to say except for you to go away. there are so many words that are always swimming around my mind, but i just don't know how to string them together. it was exhausting to know you, goodbye.