when you were sitting on my bed, with me in your lap you asked me if you could ask me something. i said sure. "what do you see when you look in the mirror?" "what?" was all i replied with. you said then went on the say that you don't think i see what everyone else see's. i asked you what you see when you looked at me with my head on your chest, you said "the most beautiful girl and person i've ever met. i really want to feel beautiful, i want you to feel confident." you then asked me to look in my mirror, i couldn't. i didn't want to, i could feel the tears coming on. i just laughed and told you to shut up, but really? i can't even describe how it made me felt, i'm still not sure. after that you asked me to dance, because you know i love to dance with you. we spoke about what we were going to wear to formal, i told you i wanted lots of photos together. you smiled and said okay.

i wish i didn't need you, but in saying that i also i never want you to leave.

your new scars scare the shit out of me everytime, please don't do it again.

i want you to be there when i'm falling, not only when i fall.

when i first heard these lyrics, your stupid face was the only thing that came to mind.

it's been about a year now, i still haven't seen or heard from you. i've been missing you like crazy. how do you, how do you sleep? i found the letter you wrote me, it still smells just like you. damn those sweet memories, how you do, how do you sleep? there's no reason that your name should come up on my cell, unless you're unhappy but that shouldn't be the case. 'cause you said she was the one, yes you said you were in love, 'cause when you left me you said you wouldn't be coming back but i never agreed. i hate to say it but i told you so, told you that if you left you would be miserable. i guess she doesn't do it like me or else you wouldn't be running back to the past. it was you that left me. i hate to say it but you know i'm right. i can't take you back, no my heart won't let me. i'm so glad you're out of my life you peice of shit, all you ever did was bring me down. you were right, you were terrible for me. still to this day and i wouldn't care less if your heart stopped beating.

i've realized that this is what we're meant to be, and if i'm wrong then we will end up back together. some things happen for a reason.

i don't like that you're the person that dictates my happiness, you don't notice so 'dictate' might be the wrong word. but when you do make me happy and when we are getting along, i don't seem to remember any of the things you've done. i like just being friends with you. i like talking about things we shouldn't, i like talking about 'the good old days' as you call them with you, i like telling you whatever the fuck i'm feeling, i like talking to you about girls, i like talking to you about boys. yesterday i looked at you and realized, i used to be in love with you and now that i'm not, it's okay. i just need to remember that things will be okay.

i've accepted the fact that you only care about yourself and that will never care for me like you once did, that's okay because i know i'll find someone else who will.

i'm pretty convinced you don't give two shits about me, apart of me hurts when i think about it, but mostly it doesn't phase me as much. the part of me that i told you, would always be yours isn't there anymore. i'm numb and i'm sick of caring about your feelings when you don't care for mine. gonna be an asshole? i'll be one right back. going to be sacastic and try and make me look stupid? don't even think twice about the fact that i will do it back. if you had any consideration about me or my well being, you wouldn't have called me drunk and you wouldn't have put me through some of the most fucking stressful weeks i've ever experienced. if you cared you wouldn't have called me a mistake and a regret, even if you were angry. you wouldn't have lied to me, you wouldn't have broken our promises. you would have come up with a better answer to my question the other night. "if i'm the best things that's happened to you then why do you treat me badly?" "i don't know." "when you do these things, it just makes me think you don't give a shit about me. just because you don't think before you say things, doesn't mean it's okay. you should've learnt by now how to do that. i mean it when i say this is your last chance. i cannot deal with being so broken and hurt all the time." when i said? it made no fucking difference. you ignored it.

i want a guy who won't play games with me. i want a guy who has something going for him. i want a guy who will go out of his way to do things for me, or go out of his way to make me smile. i want a guy who isn't afraid to be himself and will be great friends with my mine. i want a guy that wants to help. i want a guy who will take me out to do things. i want a guy who's mind isn't set on sex. i may be sounding selfish, and stupid and lame right now but i'm so sick of every fucking guy i know, being a fucking asshole.

i hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you. it's personal, me myself and i. we've got some straightening out to do. i'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket, but i've got to move on with my life. don't cry, don't cry.

how can you say that all you want to do for me is be there? how can you say that you don't ever want to hurt me? how can you say you're sorry? how can you even fucking ask me why i'm upset? how can YOU even BE upset? you were the one that just told me you didn't want me to speak to you. not the other way around. fuck off, because the last time someone left me for "my own good," they never fucking came back and i'm not going to wait around like i did last time. you can't tell me you don't want me to speak to you, and then a few minutes later tell me that you need me.

it isn't equal if it's sometimes.

a really nice night.

you walked over to my house in the freezing cold, not to mention it was almost pitch black and raining, that in it's self made me smile. i don't care how it sounds, my favourite place to be is inside of your jacket.

"and if i make it through today, will tomorrow be the same? am i just running in place? if i stumble, if i fall should i get up and carry on or will it all just be the same? 'cause i'm young and i'm hopeless. i'm lost and i know this. i'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say. i'm troublesome, i've fallen. i'm angry at my father. it's me against this world and i don't care." "we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through. hold on if you feeling like letting go, hold on, it gets better than you know." i sung these lyrics with the biggest fucking smile.

the feeling of screaming words back at someone who you've never met, is an amazing feeling. but screaming words that relate to you, or something you may have gone through, or are going through is an even better feeling. benji madden, you give me hope. i've never wanted to cry at a concert before until this one. i've never woken up with a smile like i did this morning even though my ears were still ringing, my legs were cramped and my throat sore. i may have almost fainted, i may have been elbowed in the head, i may had a hundred dirty looks shot at me, i may have been absolutely exhausted but i fucking danced my ass off, i held my best friends hand and sung your lyrics and jumped around with people i'll probably never see again. this was a fucking amazing concert.

sometimes shattered, never open. nothing matters when you're already broken. that was me whenever i was with you. always ending, always over. back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster. i am breaking that habit today. you know you did it, i'm gone. there's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight, just a bridge that i've got to burn. you were wrong if you think you can walk right through my door. that is just so you, coming back when i've finally moved on. i'm already gone. there is nothing you can say, sorry doesn't cut it babe. take the hit and walk away. because i'm gone. doesn't matter what you do, it's what you did that's hurting you. all i needed was the truth, now i'm gone.

i'm not going to lie, i miss you all the time. when i don't know where you are, i am still worried you're in trouble. i want to wake up to text messages from you saying how beautiful i am. i want to talk to you, god how i just want to talk to you. not even about what's been going on, but just the most random shit like we do. you've tried to, but i just can't pretend nothing's happened as i usually would. i have to hold myself back from just running up to you and hugging you for minutes whenever i see you. i really just want to punch everyone in the face that keeps asking me if i'm okay, because guess what? i'm not.

"are you going to be at school tomorrow?" "yeah probably, why?" "i have something to give to you." "what is it?" "you'll see." "a slap in the face?" "no it's not a slap or a punch or anything like that." "good because your slaps hurt." "even though you deserve it." "i know. you can if you want to."

the look on your face when she asked you if you were okay. you looked blank for a second, like that question wasn't even meant to be asked. then you looked down and said 'no.' you are so lovely and kind, you are always welcome in our house.

i let it fall, my heart, and as it fell you rose to claim it. it was dark and i was over, until you kissed my lips and you saved me. my hands, they're strong, but my knees were far too weak to stand in your arms without falling to your feet. but there's a side to you that i never knew, never knew. all the things you said, they were never true, never true and you the games you played, you would always win. always win. but i set fire to the rain, and watched it pour as i touched your face. let it burn while i cry, 'cause i heard it screaming out your name.

someone like you.

you'd know, how time flies. only yesterday was the time of our lives. we were born and raised in summer haze bound by the suprise of our glory days. nothing compares, no worries or cares. regrets and mistakes, they're memories already made. who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? i hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited. but i couldn't stay away, i couldn't fight it. i hoped that you would see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over. nevermind, i'll find someone like you. i wish nothing but the best, for you too. don't forget me, i beg, i remember you say "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead." sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

i was breathing so heavily, i could feel my make up falling into my hands. i pulled out one of your letters, i cried while reading every line. until i got the the end "i don't want either of us to forget what we had." where i cried even harder. i pulled out my diary and flipped to the page with your envelope's attacthed where i put everything i had of you in. i ripped the layers of tape off and pulled everything out. i read each and every letter, every tiny little note, when i saw your i.d i lost it even more. i read every letter over and over, "i do love you emmlyou, never doubt that." liar. "i just want you to know and feel that you can trust me." i was so wrong to. "i would never do anything on purpose to hurt you." liar. "if i do ever promise you anything, i will keep it." liar.

there's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out of the dark. finally i can see you crystal clear. go ahead and sell me out, i'll lay your shit bare. see how i leave with every peice of you. don't underestimate the things that i will do. baby i have no story to be told, but i've heard one of you and i'm going to make your head burn. think of me in the depths of your despair. making a home down there, it reminds you of the home we shared. the scars of your love reminds me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all. the scars of your love, they leave me breathless. i can't help feeling that we could have had it all. you had my heart and soul and you played it to the beat.

this isn't my fault and i have no reason to feel caged in, like there's no one i can talk to. i wouldn't have gotten through any of this if i didn't have all the people i have around me now. so thankyou, thankyou so much. i'm finally excited, i'm going to a concert with my best friend this weekend, i have my art work to finish, i have new words to find, i paper to paint and i have people to talk to. i'm okay, it's okay. i still may have pain in me, but i don't have to feel it alone.

you know when you have a fight with someone close to you, and you trust them enough not to tell people the personal and intimate details of your life to others, even though you're both angry? yeah, i thought you were one of them.

not anymore.

the past day or two, i have been in the most horrid mood. can't eat, can't sleep, can't think straight, can't talk to anyone, just can't deal with anything, and it's because i have been so frustrated and angry with myself. you can't get away from it, you can't just get away from yourself for the weekend. you're always there - but having that huge conversation with your mum made me feel so much better about everything. i finally accept the fact that this is not my fault, i finally feel okay. the first time this month and i feel okay. the first time this month and i feel that things are looking up. i feel like i'm not alone. the feeling of this relief brings tears to my eyes. how dare you treat me the way you have the past year, how dare you say you would always be there for me when all you've done is gone behind my back, how dare you say i'm over reacting, how fucking dare you. your mum and i could relate to everything, we're in the same place. we love you so much, but we just can't deal with you anymore. i felt so bad for hearing those words come out of her mouth, she's sick of you and she doesn't want to deal with it anymore, but then something clicked and something in my head said 'me too.' how could you tell her the 'shut the fuck up' or to 'fuck off' or that she's 'stupid'? she's one of the smartest people i've met, i have to much respect for her. it just felt so good to talk to someone who's on the same page as me. i know understand a little better why you are the way you are, but it still gives you no right to treat me the way you have considering how i stood by you and how much i believed in you and how much i tried to help you. the thing that's hurt me the most today was how your mum told me about the things you were saying about me. how you were going to kiss this girl infront of me to make me jealous, how you would do this and this. how could you even think about that? even if you broke up with me, i would never do that to you. i had too much respect for you to go and say such things about you. get your shit together, talk to someone, then come and talk to me. just leave me alone for the week and don't hurt yourself.

andy warhol.

don't pay any attention to what they write about you. just measure it in inches. i had a lot of dates but i decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows. i have social disease. i have to go out every night. if i stay home one night i start spreading rumours to my dogs. i'm afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of it's meaning. life is a series of images that change as they repeat themselves. sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than it is between the sheets. they always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

i was afraid to admit i was still in love with him, until she said that she knows what it's like to love someone, and how you never do stop.