you don't know why i am, the way i am. you don't know why i listen to the music i listen to. you don't know that this is the longest relationship i've been at least a year and you don't know how happy it makes me that it's with you. you don't actually know how much you mean to me. you don't know why i pick at my thumbs or why i only cross my legs when i'm wearing pants. you don't know why i find it so hard to makes friends or to trust people, shit, i don't think you even know that i just in general can't make new friends. i don't think you know a thing about me and sometimes, that really doesn't bother me.

you know that no matter how hard i try i can't stay angry at you, that no matter what stupid thing you've said i'll always creep a smile. but my body is becoming so tired and i can't hold this up forever. you won't be feeling so secure for much longer.

tomorrow night i am going to go out and see a movie with the person you got pissed off at me for talking to today. tomorrow night i'm going to go out, forget about the the past few days and have a good time with the guy that is there for me more than you are and he hardly even hangs out with me anymore. says something doesn't it?

today i was asked a few times why don't i just break up with you and all i could say was "because i really like him. makes sense right? i really like someone who makes me upset most of the time." i know what i deserve but i also know what i want. this is just becoming too hard for me to handle.

please stop doing this.

i wonder when you'll realise why i'm with you and no one else. i don't think about anyone else, i don't look at anyone else the way i look at you.

jw.

i've known you for three years but i really only got to know you last term. last term. it feels like ages ago when it was maybe only a couple months ago. you would always say lovely things to me about how beautiful or funny i was. i felt like i could tell you anything and i would deffinatly say we were great friends. but of course things change. new semester, new teachers, new classes, new people. you're hanging around with absolute dead shits you know that? i hate it, we hate it. i hate that you only sit with us for half of lunch and then spend the rest smoking. i hate that we have no classes together anymore. so that's why i got so excited today when you said we should go see a movie on thursday. i love that you hugged me three times after school saying you hated how we had no classes and how we haven't properly seen eachother in ages and how all i could smell was your leather. you are absolutely fantastic and i'm glad you haven't forgotten about me.

a couple of hundred years ago, benjamin franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. this is the man who discovered electricity. you think more people would listen to what he had to say. i don't know why we put things off, but if i had to guess, i'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? what if you're making a mistake you can't undo? the early bird catches the worm. a stitch in time saves nine. he who hesitates is lost. we can't pretend we hadn't been told. we've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. we have to make our own mistakes. we have to learn our own lessons. we have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. until we finally understand for ourselves what benjamin franklin really meant. that knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

at some point, you have to make a decision. boundaries don't keep other people out. they fence you in. life is messy. that's how we're made. so, you can waste your lives drawing lines. or you can live your life crossing them. - greys anatomy.

open your eyes.

get up, get out, get away from these liars. 'cause they don't get your soul or your fire. take my hand, knot your fingers through mine and we'll walk from this dark room for the last time.

hoes before bros? you'll always be first.

i want to walk up to her, grab her shoulds and just shake her. i told her you couldn't be trusted, that everything you were saying to her you were saying to other girls. but no, she still continued to speak to you. i want to warn every girl you talk to. like anyone would believe me.

fuck you. i miss you. i hate you.

i know a place that we can go to, a place where no one knows you. they won't know who we are. i know a place that we can run to and do those things we want to. they won't know who we are. i know a place that we've forgotten, a place we won't get caught in. they won't know who we are. i know a place where we can hide out and turn our hearts inside out. they won't know who we are. let me take you there. i know a place we'll be together and stay this young forever, they won't know who we are. we can get away to a better place if you let me take you there, we can go right now cause every second counts.

when i first met you, you had this great attitude that i loved. you were going to own a big music cooperation or a professional skate boarder. you didn't give a shit about what people thought about you. you were happy simply because you were breathing. now? to an extent it's sad to see how much you've changed but really, it's just plain weird.

why you.

i can't get over the fact that i told you so many personal things about me, i can't get over the fact that i actually told you anything. but the one thing that's really ticked me off? is how you promised me you wouldn't breathe a word of the incredibly personal things i told you and how you told me that i shouldn't think that every guy out there is out to hurt me just because one of them did. there was two sides battling in my mind when you said this: "like you would fucking know." and "i understand, i know i shouldn't think like this." but the thing that's absolutely hilarious yet heart breaking is that you told me all these things and then you went and spread things about me to people that didn't need to know and you told my boyfriend about my family problems, my illness when i was younger and who knows what else. who knows who else you've told. considering how many people tried to break you and i up you continue to try and do the same as they did. you actually have the guts to talk about me and then you compare the things i said to you, to him. "did she ever say this to you, yeah well i bet she never told you this" how could you do that? what did you honestly think was going to happen? he would leave me and i'd go running back to you? i wouldn't go back to you or speak a word to you if you were the last fucking person in this fucked up place you're a fucking disgusting, good for nothing cunt. i never told anyone about your things, i expected you to do the same. a fucking easy promise.

today i laughed with you and saw you laugh the hardest i've ever seen you laugh, i take back saying that mr pinkerton jumping up on the wall made my day. you did.

"i don't care what they say." you look me dead straight in the eyes. "i'm in love with you."

our band.

about three weeks ago i did it. it really didn't make me feel better, it made me hurt more and it didn't take anything away. in all honesty it made me feel incredibly ugly and disgusting. thinking about it now, i just feel weird. weird because it was the first time since last year when i promised him i wouldn't do it and i'd go to him if i felt like i wanted to. i don't have him to go to anymore.

i can't forgive you because you showed me that not all guys are the same but then you proved me wrong. i can't forgive you because you put so much trust in our friendship then went and started a rumour about me and said things that i never did. i can't forgive you because even though you made a mistake; i believed that i could never be apart of something like that.

not who you think.

please drop the past and be true. don't think we're okay just because i'm here. you hurt me bad, but i won't shed a tear. i'm leaving you for the last time, baby. you think you're loving, but you don't love me. i've been confused, out of my mind lately. you think you're loving, but i want to be free. baby, you've hurt me.

there are so many things i want to say that will make people happy and things that won't make anyone happy, so for now i'm going to keep my mouth shut.

you'll learn to hate me, but still call me baby.

rachael foster, you gmh.

even though it feels like you don't care at times? i understand because you don't know what it's like to be in my shoes and i understand because i've been where you are at the moment. it's not easy. the day you came up to me and apoligized i knew i couldn't be angry with you anymore. you say and do some stupid shit at times but i just couldn't be angry with you anymore. "emmylou, i've loved you ever since english last year when i would come to you crying about my stupid friends you'd do the same. not in a lesbian way, but in a best friend way. i love you. i love you when i go to sleep and i love you when i wake up. i love you you even when i say i hate you. i love you. you're beautiful." you say the similar things to me everyday and it gives me a huge smile. you're always the only one that notices, you're always telling me how nice i look even when i don't feel it, you're always hugging me, you're always there. you are amazing and you aren't told enough.

i try and think to myself "think positive, smile even when you can't find a reason to, start new, don't regret, don't hate, be yourself." but it's so hard to be positive about things when everyone and everything around me are negative shits. it's hard to smile when i don't mean it. (which is alot lately.) i can't start new because everything around me reminds me of things that keep me in the same place. i don't regret anything but it's hard to forget about my own mistakes when i feel like people are pointing and talking. i find it the most hardest to be myself when i've never even known who that is.

you are nothing.

i didn't become friends with you again just to tell you to get out of my life or to return what you did to me; having to live with being you, what she did to you and the things you've seen and done is enough i think. i told you to stop talking to me because i finally realised just how little you mean to me and how much i really can't/won't deal with you in my life. how you interfere with everything i do or say and how fucking ridiculous you are.

i'm sorry for how i've been acting lately. i'm sorry for not being there. i'm sorry i can't catch the bus home with you anymore. i'm sorry i've been a terrible best friend. i love you.

maybe i like this. maybe i'm just fucked up.

i was just watching the notebook and had to turn it off because it reminded me of you and i too much, for some stupid reason. mostly the part where "they didn't agree on much, in fact, they rarely agreed on anything. they fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday, but despite their differences they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other" was said. it got me thinking that this is sort of like how we are. maybe, i don't know yet. we don't agree on much, lately we have been fighting alot and you sure as hell challenge me everyday. i've always sort of said to myself "if someone doesn't make you happy, then why are they in my life?" you make me happy, but then you don't. you make me cry but then you can make me smile harder than i thought was possible. this morning you made me giggle and smile and had me convinced that my day was going to be spectacular. instead i sat on my bus going home wiping the tears away. we're okay for now, i hate being treated like shit; but not as much as i hate myself for loving someone who treats me the way you do. i still can't help but think the world of you.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore.

i'm not going to even talk to you if you're not going to take me seriously. you can't just fucking send me text messages saying how un happy i make you, how you don't want to 'waste' your time on me if i'm just going to 'ignore' you then say 'sorry' and expect it to be okay. get fucked. it's not even just that. it's how you make me late for class, it's how you push me around and trip me over and make me make a total ass of myself. if anything you deserved me being the 'biggest bitch' today. it's hard to make an actual effort with you when you either sit there lying all over me or not talking at all. i make you un happy? you think you're the only one with fucking feelings here? can you even imagine how i feel?

her hands are all twisted, she's pointing at me. i was damned by light coming out of her eyes. she spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky. she said walk on over here to the bitter shade, i will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved.

i don't want to deal with tomorrow.

"in csi today i actually realised how special you are to me. i'm sorry it took so long." in csi today you also told me i made you feel like a dickhead and an out cast. that you 'waste' my time. that i wouldn't have listened to anything you would've had to say to talk to me about. that i didn't care about you and that i don't even love you anymore. all of these hit me like a fucking bullet, you really are so insensitive to other people and how they might be feeling, considering how you treated me like total shit this morning. i'm really not going to be around much longer for this. i can't.

we will have been dating for two months tomorrow and it will have been the longest relationship i've been in for almost two years. who thought we would even get this far? i sure as hell didn't giving today.

everything it so different now.

i remember when we met; i was sitting in gloria jeans waiting for you because my two best friends couldn’t make it. i was so nervous. i knew he knew something was up, that there was something between us. and there was, i could feel it from the night i met you. something incredible, i was too scared to let it happen though. so there i was, i kept looking for you and just when i didn’t expect it, this short, blue eyed kid is standing in front of me with a skateboard in his hand. you were so breath taking even though you were in worn out skinny jeans, a band tee-shirt and shoes that were obviously fucked. i actually had no clue what to do so i jumped up and hugged you. we walked around, talked about everything, went into every shop even though neither of us had money and i tried to help you find a job because your mum had thrown you out for not helping around the house. then you said “he treats you like shit, he’s a total bitch to you.” i had no idea how to respond, because i was so in love it blinded me by the fact that you were right. so we were sitting beside that wall, waiting for my dad. everytime i walk past it i feel like i’m there with you. like you are sitting right next to me. i love sitting there. you put our song on, the song that now kills me to listen to, that song that brings tears to my eyes everytime and the song that is US. {i know both of us could probably sing it backwards because we’ve listened to it so much.} i could feel you thinking, i could feel your thoughts running like crazy around your head. it was the first time we were together in the flesh and i felt like i could talk to you about anything and everything. we sat in silence for a few mintues and you put your hand on my cheek and kissed me. i would do anything to re-live that day. nearly three years ago and i think about it everyday. months passed and we soon learnt that we had something else; we argued with anything the other had to say. whether it was how amazing the other was, what band was better, tuggeranong or woden.. ANYTHING. you had never insulted me though, but this remark did. i told my friends that already didn’t like you {honestly, they still hate you.} what you had said. thinking now; it was the most stupid thing to fight over but we did anyway. it tore us apart and we stopped talking for a few months. one night i texted you, just saying hi. to be honest, i don’t remember what happened after except i felt on top of the world. i remember how much you wanted my friendship back, how much of an idiot you were for letting me walk out of your life like i did, how you never fought for me and how much you were in love with me you were since the night we first spoke to eachother. i believed you. i will never, ever get over you. every guy i’ve been with, i’ve felt like i need to make it special. i need to make it fancy and i need to be all dressed up. it never was special no matter how hard i tried. our six months - we were going to climb the mountain and watch the sunset; instead i got sick and had to go to the medical center in the early morning and was told i had glandular fevor. new years - that perfect kiss infront of fire works that i always wanted and i couldn’t bring myself to even lift my head to a guy that is wonderful. i think of it as fate. when i was with you i felt like i could have showed up without my hair brushed, no make-up and in the rattiest clothes and without you saying a word i would feel beautiful. for the past two years you’ve been telling me how beautiful, perfect, amazing and how in love with me you are. i never believed it. you know that lyric\quote “you can’t love someone until you love yourself” i think it is? that applyed so well. we made so many promises with eachother. you weren’t going to drink, smoke, do drugs, you would get into school and no more fights. i promised different things and we were set. we didn’t break them. you called me one morning; it was like eight and i was deep asleep. i picked up the phone saying “hello?” and i hear this amazing, familiar voice saying ”sucks being woken up hey?” i croaked out an “i hate you.” and laughed. i could tell you were drunk. really drunk. i was really worried but i kept talking. we hung up and texted like we usually do. you told me you got so drunk, you did drugs and you were expecting me to hate you. i was serious when i said i could never hate you, i only said it as a joke. except for the next few weeks ahead, is when i truly meant it. i was just so hurt that you had broken our promises that actually meant shit loads to me and i don’t think you’ll ever understand why. i’ll admit i sort of did over react but i only do it because i cared about you. ever since then everythings been different. you’re a different person and we don’t talk. i miss the old you. the one i met in year seven. i cried so much the night you told me the truth. you hadn’t quit smoking when you said you had, you drank and did drugs and there was practically none of my say in what my best friend did and you didn’t care. thinking now, yes, those things were silly to have an argument about, right? they wont do you much harm, right? you were having a bitch because i didn’t tell you about my new guy? you told her that you were wrong for me, that you had found someone else and you loved her and you knew i would find someone to love aswell. you loved her. ‘you love her? you love her? but you said you loved me and i love you.’ is honestly what i was thinking. it’s what i still think some days. i still don’t know what to believe if you really did break up with her when you were with me. it was more humiliating because i believed all your “i love you’s” and every seducing words you had lead me onto believe. i told you i was in love with you and the night after you told me you were in love with someone else. if you ever read this and finds things that aren’t true, it’s probably because they aren’t because that night i was such a mess i couldn’t thinking straight. i feel like a fool, so vunerable, so embaressed and so stupid. when i’m in bed some nights and i’m thinking; i feel like kicking your teeth in. others i feel like i literally need you and i don’t know how i’m even standing without you and your amazing words. when we broke up and you asked if i could ever picture a future with you? i could and i don’t know why i said differently. i still feel like you’re going to pop on msn and apoligize, that you’re going to text and apoligize and that you’re going to tell me you love me again, but you wont.

my past was wonderful.

skipping to french with our jumpers tied together. miss ihum. "sucked in" "shut up isabella." lock-eye. year seven. morgan. making out in elavators. that summer with him. movies. the photos at woden with him. valentines day. pencil neck. ron, blinky and frank. dreams. my chemical romance. that REALLY hot day i bought my skinny jeans and we walked down to the shops. "oh are you poor today?" BATTLEFEILD. hanging by a moment - lifehouse. with you - chris brown. new years eve with the wife O8. beau for elena. i like your skin. m-m-manwhore. the day me and bella met lockie and zak. "i'm just doing my hair.. and no i'm not gay!" bus rides with bella to and from school. tylard. kebab. lots of kisses. skyfire. canberra show. urambi and st thomas fete. SUD UP BITZ. shtop it. make me. "stop calling me tylard" "whatever tylard." most of the songs on my ipod. shaking from laughing so much at skyfire. our deals. your skateboard. tuggeranong. totes. going to formal with you. the day i met you and how you stood up for me the entire time. webcam. charlie and mi-lou. photography. watchmen. the big swings. the beeee. cakecakecake. bogans. singing elvis on the big swings.