i want to fall for someone like i did for you. it's not that i'm still in love with you, it's just that i'm stuck in this numb and uncomfortable stance. i want you to be the hell out of my system. it feels like you've stained my skin. i want to stop blogging about you because it causes the wrong idea and it keeps reminding me of you.

"i think its better i did because now you've got someone amazing who really loves you."

i actually could not believe you said that. but when i thought about it? in ways it was and in ways it wasn't. going through all of that made me stronger, it made me realise what i should really look out for and what i'm actually worth. but you put me through hell, i can't even remember being in so much pain from someone like that. i am still hurt by it.

i like it when you're in class because i want you to see me laughing and smiling and i want you to go and tell him how happy i seem and i want him to realise that he isn't making me laugh anymore and he doesn't give me this smile.

you don't go to school. you chose not to. you don't have anything going for you, you sit at home pretty much everyday and if your not at home you're out with idiots getting drunk. so when you so you're tired and fed up? i just want to punch you in the face. take a look at yourself. you don't go to school everyday, you don't deal with anyone talking about you, you don't deal with rumours or any bullshit. yeah, that's true, you don't have anything going for you - but that's because you choose to live the way you do. no one else is responsible for your actions. this is your fuck up, and i am not helping you dig your way out.

and,

i like your hair. i like your eyes. i like it when you smile really hard or laugh and you get bumps around your eyes and your dimples stand out like crazy. i like it when you're confused but laugh anyway. i like how i can't keep a serious expression while looking at you. i like it when you joke around with me. i like that i look at you and think 'you can't be real.' i like it when you call me. i like it when you call me baby. i like it when you tell me things.

you you you.

when i get a text message and i instantly jump up and smile because i've been missing you. when ever i see you, whether you be looking happy or not, whether i be looking happy or not i still smile. i act like an idiot around you because i don't know what else to do. i hated that text you sent me the other day after school saying you felt like he made me happier than you do because i feel like i've failed to make you realise how much you mean to me.

i hate when ever we speak because you either try flirting with me or say something about me in a sexual\disgusting way. and i hate the fact that when i ask you about it, and say that i already have a boyfriend, you just say 'yeah because you you wont date me.' i don't want to fucking date you and i don't know what gives you the fucking idiot idea i do. you're disgusting and you're the one person i cannot forgive. sure i speak to you without having to sign offline crying anymore, sure i text you sometimes asking about how things are going or whatever, but you are the last person i want to date, you're a fucking pig. i've told you plenty of times i don't trust you and what's a relationship without trust? it's nothing. just like you.

lyrics explain things better.

did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

it feels weird when everything's going right for the people around you but nothing's going right for you.

i hate how you trusted her with those things and not me.

i miss who you used to be, i miss who i used to be. i miss who we used to be when we were together.

grass pies, watching the amazing clouds roll past, sitting on a random field listening to matchbox20, talking like bogans. talking about idiots, school, friends, grades, parents, moving house, how that band is apart of who we are, about grandma's house. we don't spend enough time with each other and even though you do act like a major bitch sometimes i love the shit out of you like i can't explain. i listened to you tell about what you have to go through and then i listened to you laugh like a maniac and i watched you smile. you are a total inspiration to me; the things you've had to go through and the things you're still going through. the strength and the amount of times you smile and laugh a day amaze me. thankyou for the great day.

everytime i read through my post secret book i seem to be able to relate or feel for each secret that i see. but there's one, where i just stop completely. i put the book down and the flash backs are like slaps in the face because it's how i feel all the time, and it scares me immensely.

fact.

i'm worried that i'm wasting my life away. i am all over the place but i am standing still. i let my thoughts control me. if you could hear my thoughts you would think differently of me. i build walls around myself to see who cares enough to climb it. my past will suprise you, it suprises me. i look back on it and think, that couldn't have been me? i don't trust myself. my best friend makes me the happiest i've been in awhile. i wear chapstick like lipstick. my mouth is always dry. i'm always tired but hardly ever feel like sleeping. i love and i hate everything. cats are my favourite animal. i am paranoid and scared about lots of things. i have strange little phobias, obsessions and habits. i hate tea, coffee and cigarettes. i love laughing, knowing someone's got your back and feeling clean. my music taste pretty much varys of everything. i hate it when people repeat the things they say or that speak slowly. i like stars. alot. i think of school as a getaway, somedays i feel like it's worse than my house. i believe in alot, i try to stand as tall and as proud as i can. certain things will break my fall easily. i'm smart in ways that will count. i don't regret - it's just something i've learnt to block out. love me, hate me. need me, want me. hurt me, mend me.

i could forget your name. i could forget your face forever. i could forget about the smile you always faked. i could forget your lies. i could forget to hide for always. i could forget how desperately you tried, flattery will get you nowhere. i could forget how you had tried to get the best of me. you'll never forget that you never. got. me.

i'm scared that when my friends become really close that they'll forget about me.

i wanna make these for chloe.

you - "i thought you hated me." me - "i did." you - "what's changed?" me - "i sort of just woke up one morning and wasn't angry or upset. i was angry for a really long time.. i just thought you know, you weren't gonna be in my life anymore and i had to accept that." you - "i always wanted to be. you know that." me - "then why did you walk away?" you - "cause i was an idiot, you know i wanted to be around. we had plans for when you got older remember."

if you can come to me with your problems but i can't come to you with mine? please don't even bother speaking to me.

i think i'm going to boston. i think i'll start a new life. i think i'll start it over where no one knows my name. i'll get out of california. i'm tired of the weather. i think i'll get a lover and i'll fly them out to spain. i think i'll go to boston, i think that i'm just tired. i think i need a new town to leave this all behind. i think i need a sun rise, i'm tired of the sun set.

how fucking dare you tell me what to do, who i am or what i was actually doing. get fucked. you don't know me and you never will.

and i guess that's why i couldn't forget about you. you taugh me too much, you showed me too much, we shared too much. you were the only one who knew me like the back of your hand. you were the only one who i've ever met that wanted to know all about me. and you did, you found out alot about me and you never judged me.

it made me a little too happy when you told me that your last relationship fucked up. that she was dating someone else while dating you, that she moved half way across the state, that she hardly spoke to you. it still makes me happy, because you deserved that so much. you deserved to not be happy, to have your heart broken, to be crushed entirely.

i do, i do care. i care too much, but i don't want anyone to notice it. i don't want anyone to know how weak i can get. when i hear what someone says about me i take it like a bullet to the head. i want people to know i'm strong, that i've gone through enough to teach me that what other people say about me don't hurt. but i'm not going to change for anyone, and this probably makes no sense.

an image tells one story, but a heart tells a different one. difference is that hearts don’t lie; images do.

"Yes, I knew you lied as soon as you said 'Cat'."

"and the whole 'i helped you with you're depression' thing, don't worry, you helped me with mine aswell."

i've spent most of this afternoon reading my old posts and i just came across this one: "i can easily go without smoking. i can easily go without drugs and not fighting. and i will be safe. i have a feeling your not going to be able to keep our promises, but i believe in you." it's like i'm pyhcic or something? i miss you.

i remember when you cried after mass, and we just stood there hugging eachother.

no judgment, no fighting and no regrets. no judgment, no fighting and no regrets. no judgment, no fighting and no regrets. no judgment, no fighting and no regrets. no judgment, no fighting and no regrets. no judgment, no fighting and no regrets. no judgment, no fighting and no regrets.

i want to have silence. i haven't had silence in so long. even when i'm awake at three in the morning, i'm staring at the ceiling, my eyes are too dry to read - i am still not in silence. my thoughts consume me and they tear me apart. i'm going to try and keep my mouth shut. i'm going to try and keep calm about things. i am going to stop complaining. i am going to try and breathe.

i want to tell you everything but i'm scared.

i just want to ask you a million things. i want to ask you if you still skate, if you remember all our promises and deals, if you remember those songs, if you remember the things i told you, if you remember the things you told me the night you kissed me, if you remember telling me you were going to run away with me, if you remember the things that made me happy and sad.

i don't really fucking care if you don't want me in your life, it's not like you acted as if i was in it anyway and it's not like i needed you in mine. and if this is because i didn't invite you to my party? sorry i didn't want to spend yet another day that was all about you. don't come crying to me when you've got no one again, you selfish bitch. you push everyone away so expect people to leave.

eminem's lyrics give me goosebumps.

'cause i'm raising the bar, i shoot for the moon. but i'm too busy gazing at stars, i feel amazing and i'm not afraid to take a stand. everybody come take my hand and we'll walk this road together through the storm. whatever weather, cold or warm. just letting you know that, you're not alone.

your best bet, stay true to yourself. do shit your way, never listen to a word they say. we're all born into this world, that's true, one thing i know for sure is that this world don't own you.

tonight we're gonna party like there's no tomorrow.

i was sitting there in art, listening to the words and all i could feel was how much i missed you. i get those feelings very rarely these past few months but it brought tears to my eyes. the song isn't all that romantic, it's about getting drunk, partying and getting absolutely fucked up but all i could think about was listening to this song when we were planning to go on our date to see deez nuts way back. i couldn't go but you still went and sometimes i regret not going because i think that if i did go i could have stopped you, i could have stopped that drunken phone call and we would still be friends. but i can't hold myself down about that, it was months ago and i know that you would have done something to ruin what we had whether it be with that drunken phone call or who knows what else. i'm going to have fun tonight and i'm going to wish you were there with me.

so you get to accuse me of cheating on you but when it comes to me worrying about what ever the hell you are doing, i'm just jealous? what the actual fuck.

i've been thinking about it so much lately. i'll get on a bus, walk past someone at school, see someone walking, see someone arguing with a teacher and just wonder what their story is. wonder what made them, them. what's changed their life and why. 'specially with our conversation after school today. it's weird how you look at someone and judge them straight away or it's weird how you look at someone but don't actually see them. you don't think about their home life, if they even have a home. you don't think about what their friends do or say to them, or if they even have true friends. you don't wonder if they've had their heart broken lately, if they've made a huge mistake or if they cry them selves to sleep some nights.

i think i'm just being an idiot.

when you call me baby or babe, when you stare into my eyes for a few seconds and say i'm beautiful, when you hold my hand, when you pull me close by my bag straps or my hips, when you send me good morning texts, when you ask me what i'm doing right there and then, when we're hugging and your head is on top of mine and my head's on your chest. not when you're calling me stupid, not when you're calling me a slut, not when you make fun of me for not doing well in a class, not when you accuse me of cheating on you, not when you go through my phone and think i'm hiding something from you.

if you're not going to get your year ten, that's all good by me. it's not my problem and i'm not going to make it mine because i've learnt my lesson by trying to help people with their future and school. i'm all good with you making me late to my classes, but i am NOT okay with you dragging me down to your level. i am going to pass high school with reasonable grades and i am going to get my year ten. i don't care if you don't because you don't even try.

you make me want to cry my eyes out. you make me want to hit things. you make me want to walk to your place just to punch you in the face. you make me get so frustrated and so scared i start to shake. but you always, always end up saying something sweet that forces a smile on my face. (i think this is all just a joke to you.)

if you’ve never felt your ribs pushing against your skin. if you know when you’re next going to eat. if you slept under a roof last night. if you know how to use a computer. if you can see this picture. if you can read these words. if you know someone you can share this with. you have a lot to be thankful for.

two days ago i was hoping you would wish me happy birthday and come down to see me. yesterday i got a text from you saying 'happy birthday' and asking if i wished we were how we were back in the old days. of course i do, of course i wish i could spend a day with you again, of course i wish we could go skating again. but just because i wish for something, doesn't change the fact that you messed me up. you messed us up. it doesn't change the fact that you hurt me immensely. i've built this wall up around myself that i can't let any boy knock down, i've built this wall because i can't let myself get hurt again. why don't you understand? did you know.. i didn't get too weak last time even though i was close to it? and you want to know why? because i promised you i wouldn't. sometimes i think it isn't worth it anymore, but i also promised myself i would always keep my promises. (unlike you.) i don't care if you're just human and you make mistakes. i always thought i could never be apart of one of your mistakes and that's why i can't forgive you. and yes you are just a boy. just a boy i used to love and just a boy who also fucked me up and around. but don't forget, i always carry apart of you around with me, bad or good. you are apart of who i am and i can't change that no matter what. (sometimes i don't want to.)

he's there for me more than you are. he doesn't dissapoint me like you do. he's making me feel better when you're making my day a struggle, even if i don't want to talk about it, he'll make me. i don't love him like i love you though.

you're up and you're down.

you don't look me in the eyes when you talk to me, but you do when you tell me i'm beautiful. we joke around alot, but sometimes the things you say really hurt and annoy me. one minute we'll be laughing and holding hands, but literally ten seconds after you could be in another ugly mood. you could be holding me but then you could be texting some other girl. i don't know how to describe you or what you do to me. you could be giving me the best day and then you could be giving me the worst. i don't think it's normal how much you make me want to cry.

"i’ve been stood up, fucked over, lied to, backstabbed and i still manage to keep my head up."

when i hear the words "gerard way" i don't think of "oh that guy from that band" i think "that name seems surreal." and it does. it sounds like a super hero's name to me. you wouldn't think that a band could change or even save lives, but it sure as hell can. it made me change the way i think, the way i feel, the way i act, the way i look at things. that band has made me the person i am today. when i had no one, they made me feel like i wasn't alone. i'm probably sounding like a freak right now, but a true my chemical romance fan would understand: you know you aren't alone, you know you aren't the only ones feeling the way you do and you know that there is people out there just as fucked up as you are.

my hero.

"if for one minute you think you're better than a sixteen year old girl in a Green Day t-shirt, you are sorely mistaken. remember the first time you went to a show and saw your favorite band. you wore their shirt, and sang every word. you didn't know anything about scene politics, haircuts, or what was cool. all you knew was that this music made you feel different from anyone you shared a locker with. someone finally understood you. this is what music is about.”

sapphire and faded jeans, i hope you get your dreams.