you know how you hang around someone so much or you talk to someone so much that you get their habits and talk like they do? i've still got yours and it annoys me more than ever.

i got a call from you saying he was in trouble, that there was someone in his house with a knife and was trying to kill him. fuck i paniced. you told your mum and she was about to call the police. then you rang me. crying. i could hear your voice shaking. apparently there was someone walking through your house, you didn't know who it was. and considering your house had been broken into a few times before that and someone followed you home the week before. i nearlly started crying, i could hear banging and yelling and you said you had rung the police. you just kept crying out and breathing really heavily. i remember looking up at myself in my mirror and thinking 'what the fuck can i do.' you eventually got off the phone with me, you said it was because the police were finally there. you faked the entire thing, just to see how much me and her cared about you. i didn't talk to you for a week after that, me and all my friends left huge and abusing messages on your profile and her and i yelled at you at school. i can still remember the laugh you gave out and the smug look on your face while we were screaming at you. so when you told me you were moving schools? and when you told me you just did it to see how i would react? made me so angry, i really wanted to hit you so i just sort of stared at you with a dead straight face while that familiar, sexy grin crept upon your face and you bent down to kiss me. all my anger vanished. i couldn't help but think back two years and think of the horrible person you were to me, but still had the nerve to tell me you loved me and how i had the nerve to call you my best friend.

i had the cutest dream last night.

i was walking down a hill with my 'boyfriend' (i have no idea who it was.) to our formal. then we stopped and jumped on a trampoline and then my 'boyfriend' fell asleep on some couch and my photography teacher told us a story about how this girl fell in love but before she could tell the person she was in love with, that she was in love with them he died. i started crying and walked over to my 'boyfriend' and moved the pillow he was hugging and fell in it's place and hugged him while he slept. i said 'i love you' and without noticing he was awake, he said 'i love you too.'

the only things we ever talk about: you, you, you or you nagging about me going over to new zeland because you 'need' me. what about me, hey? i have my own problems (it's funny because when i actually do try and talk to you about my things you just end up saying 'if i was over there,' or 'i need you here.' fucking shut up. i can't just drop everything in my life right now for you. if i did? like i would be allowed to go over there anyway. my parents don't even know you exist - i've told you this a million times. and honestly you're just getting on my fucking nerves now. (considering you said you would come over here at the end of the year. i'm sick of the stupid things you say.)

i give up on you and trying to help you. you're a waste of my time. if you really needed or at least wanted my help? you would have asked for it by now.

"she's not giving us the money for the other house." "why?" "because i wasn't POLITE to her and i didn't help out today." "why the EFF would you be polite to her?!" "oh 'cause of all she's done for us, i should be grateful." "so what are we going to do now?" "i'm gonna have to get a second job."

i was just thinking about how we hadn't spoken all day and then i get a text from you saying that i'm beautiful.

maybe i know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts. and we've got to find other ways to make it alone or to keep a straight face, and i've always lived like this; keeping a comfortable, distance and up until i had sworn to myself that i'm content with loneliness, because none of it was ever worth the risk. but darling, you are the only exception.

you make staring not seem creepy. you kiss me and hold my hand in class. i act like a complete idiot infront of you and you don't make me feel stupid for it, you usually laugh along with me. my god, do you make me laugh. i used to hate seeing couples, or seeing picture of couples together but now i get home and look them up. i like that you don't make a deal about not dating, and still call me yours. the "you're beautiful" that's still written on my arm really made my day.

i had a dream last night that the world was ending, i woke up in a sweat and pulling at my hair. i fell asleep again and dreamt the same thing, except i could've stopped it if someone believed me.

"i reckon its a good idea, getting you this necklace since it symbolises strength. and since you are moving and for what is going to come through in your life."

me: have you still got those head aches? you nodded. me: have you been to the doctor about it or anything? you: yeah i got some scans done and stuff. me: did they find anything? you nodded.

make new memories with me?

the things i will never say or admit.

i was packing boxes, once again and came across my old note book. most of the pages were filled with "emmylou loves _ _ _ _ _ _ - forever." i found the letter i wrote you, i found old photo's, i found everything i used to be. what happened to me? i was so careless, young and naive. what happened to us? we were in love. i wont if or maybe about it, it was true love even if it was at thirteen and no one will change my mind about it. we dated for eight months, we saw each other every weekend, we took pictures together, you made me embaressed to know you sometimes but i loved you for that, for being yourself when my friends were so nasty to you. i'm sorry how i never stood up for you, i'm sorry i broke your heart twice, i'm sorry i kissed him, i'm sorry for doubting you. everyone knows i don't want to get married, butyou were the first guy i actually want to marry, we were going to run away and once you got your P's, we were going to go over seas together. you were perfection, but when i look at you now? i see a complete idiot.

i hate seeing myself in mirrors.

i understand if you've got other friend or family problems, but i'm here to talk about them, and i really wish you would talk to me about them again. i love you so much and you worry me all the time but honestly, i'm getting a little tired of putting you in front of me, when i don't even know what i am to you. did you know i don't have the greatest home life and some days school is worse for me and seeing how we've become really tears me apart? i'm getting a little tired of you not noticing me and my needs when all i've done is try to help you with all yours.

it was always like this.

bert mccracken, you amazing man.

“that song, for me, is about drugs and alcohol and loss and love. it's about being proud of who you are, being proud of your situation and just being stoked that things are always going to get better or always gonna get worse and that's such a great thing. every day is a new surprise.”

i'm tired and i felt it for awhile now. in this sea of lonely, the taste of ink is getting old. it's four o' clock in the fucking morning and each day gets more and more like the last. still i can see it coming while i'm standing in the river drowning. this could be my chance to break out. this could be my chance to say goodbye. i couldn't take this town much longer, being half dead wasn't what i planned to be. now i'm ready to be free. so here i am it's in my hands, and i'll savor every moment of this. so here i am alive at last and i'll savor every moment of this. won't you think i'm pretty when i'm standing top the bright lit city, i'll take your hand and pick you up, and keep you there so you can see. as long as you're alive and care i promise i will take you there. we'll drink and dance the night away, we'll drink and dance the night away.

you don't need any money, you don't need this house. you live fucking three hours away anyway in a dream house near the beach with a huge car. what ever happened to the two million dollars you got from your pathetic divorce? oh yeah, it went to some bible bashers and to all the operations you need. you know what? it's not OUR fault you're fucking fat AND a dumb ass, and if i ever fucking see you again i'm gonna say those exact words to you. if we had our way we wouldn't have a thing to do with you so why do you think we care? it's funny how religious you are but how much of a bitch you are, of course something that isn't even real would have to love someone like you. i don't beleive in hell but there has to be a place for someone like you when the fortunate day comes when you finally die. "it always has to be about YOU and where YOU need to live." it wouldn't if you weren't fucking kicking us out you fat, hideous cunt.

it's like i hardly know you but maybe i never did. it's like every emotion you showed me you kept well hid, and every true word that you ever spoke was really deceiving. now i'm leaving this time 'cause this is my last goodbye. i've gotta turn and walk away. i don't have anything left to say i haven't already said before, i've grown tired of being used and i'm sick and tired of being accused. now i'm walking away from you and i'm not coming back.

you're worrying me alot.

i'm sitting here talking to the one person i thought would never go back to school and get his year ten, telling me he's trying to get into school next term. then you text me telling me the princaple's calling you down half way during science and that you're probably not even getting yours. shit.

i wasn't going to hurt myself, i was going to try harder in school, no smoking, drugs, drinking and no more fights. you were going to actually go back to school, no smoking, drugs, drinking and no more fights. i kept my promise, why couldn't you?

because time really does heal most things.

i thought i gave you something to live for.

if i was to ask you right now, if i helped you through out the last two years, i know you would say 'no.' even though everyday in year seven you told me you were in love with me, you couldn't stop thinking about me, you were gonna come pick me up and we were going to run away, i was the sort of person you wanted to marry. you said you were grateful you at least had one friend. when we broke up you said you didn't want us to turn out like your parents have - randomly running into old high school friends twenty years later. after you said that, not even two weeks later you told me you were dating some girl you had known for years and that you loved dearly and that you had been dating for the past three months.

outside the door he stands, his head in his hands and his heart in his throat. what can he tell them now? sorry i let you down, sorry it wasn't quite true. but don't get hung up on it just solider on with it and good luck with shooting the moon.

i don't ever want to feel like i did that day.

you aren't a bad person. you're an amazing person. you don't live to please other people. no ones 'expectations' are worth your tears or anger. teachers are stupid and so are the kids we're forced to spend everyday with. i love you. you're a strong and beautiful person. you don't hate your dreams and things will get better. and you know who you can trust? me.

when you left, everything changed.

p.s i'm sorry i wasn't there for your last day, i couldn't even pick myself off the floor.

you are my sister.

i don't know if you would fight for me like you have for your other friends. we don't talk like we used to, sure we still share lots but 'lots' isn't 'everything' like i wish it was again. going to mackillop was the best thing i did because i met you. year seven was the worst and the best year of my life. a lot of bad shit happened at that school but i had you by my side every single day through it. you're the only one who has seen me at my best and my worst. the day i burst into tears when you and her became friends again was the most honest i've been with you in nearlly two years. i fucking love you and when i said 'bffl' i meant it and i still do.

i forgot i had taken these photos. i woke up at like 6\5 in the morning, open my curtain and see this. it was magical, specially the cool breeze that came with opening my window.

i think everything in life is art. what you do. how you dress. the way you love someone, and how you talk. your smile and your personality. what you believe in and all your dreams. the way you drink your tea. how you decorate your home. or party. your grocery list. the food you make. the way your writing looks. how you act and feel. life is art.

"my spirit flew in feathers."

one of my favourite movies.

"honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love."

i'm proud of myself, even if no one else is.

i'm not sorry.

stop starting a conversation with me and then going on about yourself. about how you're a bum, how you need job, how you need a new deck, how you can't get a good job 'cause you practically dropped out in year eight and then going on about how you don't want to be in school. shut up. i don't care and i'm not going to help you again 'cause i know you'll end up fucking off and shoving it in my face again. i'm glad you aren't okay, you deserve it.

i looked outside the window beside me and saw some random bus and thought to myself, "damn i'm tempted to catch it regardless of where it goes."

thankyou, i was.

"yeah i wanted to do something nice for you, you seemed to be having a shit day."

i walk out of my class room and you're standing there, with a blank expression. i wondered why you were even up stairs when i knew you had sport. after my teacher argued with bella and jake and told them to go back to class you walked over and asked if you could talk to me for a minute. few arguments later you and i were standing down stairs. i was so nervous but all you said was 'sorry for dogging you before.' i said, 'haha it's alright.' and then we just stood there for a moment and you held that same, adorable and sexy smile. 'so do i get a kiss?' i kissed you and walked back up to class with a huge grin on my face, you came running at me asking what he wanted and i said 'he just wanted to say sorry for walking away before.' then you said 'that's ALL he wanted?' i smiled and said, 'yeah'.

what is wrong with you? there's no problem between me and him and i don't understand why you of all people have to create one. you come to me at lunch, saying that me and him need to sort this out. sort what out? what the fuck are you on about? we're taking things slow. so what if we hold hands at lunch, so what if we flirt all the time, so what if we're insecure and so what if we don't want to mess things up. stay out of it if you don't like it, 'cause neither of us need you in it to be honest. stay out of my buisness if you don't like what we're doing, and yes i have noticed that he's not open with his emotions and i like that because i'm exactly the same.

lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all, but lend me your heart and i'll just let you fall. lend me your eyes, i can change what you see. but your soul you must keep, totally free.

but i will hold on hope and i won't let you choke. and i'll find strength in pain, and i will change my ways. i'll know my name as it's called again. so come out of your cave walking on your hands and see the world hanging upside down. you can understand dependence when you know the maker's hand.

i've come to a conclusion that i am fucking terrifed and paranoid about almost everything.

your shaking fingers caught me off guard.

i wanted to reply saying "i love you."

"you're such a cutie emmylou, you're such a cutie when you smile."

to make myself fall asleep quicker i would tuck a pillow under my arm and hug it. i never felt pathetic even though i always imagined your tiny body i was holding. it always got me a good nights sleep and i always woke up in the same position. with a smile.