there's always going to be tomorrow, there's always going to be someone who's going to make you laugh until you cry, there's always going to be someone you can talk to or relate to, there's always that one boy that will give you butterflies, there's always going to be inspiration around you, you're going to have a good day soon, you're going to smile again. it gets better, everything will be okay. there's always something in the end that makes it all worth it. you're going to smile again.

i hope you think my favourite song, someday you'll turn the radio on and i hope it takes you back to that place. when you think happiness i hope you think my little black dress. think of my head on your chest and my old faded blue jeans. i hope you think of me.

i always thought that you were perfect for me, but you were also just so bad for me.

i never told you this but i don't want to be with you because you're a child. i feel as though i have to take care of you, and watch every move you make so you don't get yourself in shit. the promise you made me just comes a little more to breaking everytime i see you in class. you're not going to get your year ten, why? because you're a lazy dickhead. you have so much potential, you could achieve so much and do so much but i'm sorry, i could not see you and i going anywhere. i guess you could say i just fell out of love with you.

(please stay away for a little while so it can stay that way.)

e.s

"but deep inside me, i know that life is too short to feel like you've fucked the whole thing up for yourself, even if you did, make something out of the rubble and trash. that's what this is, a display of the shattered peices of glass that is my life. i still have something to work with. i still could win the lottery, i still could meet the girl of my dreams and marry her, i still could do alot of good for alot of people. i've still got teeth, i still can speak. hope is never all gone, even when it's farther from you that it's ever been, you can still catch up, the race isn't over, give them a show."

i'm going to get parts of this tattooed.

i've been asking alot lately what i want to do when i'm older. what career do i want to go into to; when i'm asked this all i can think is "just one thing i want to do?" when i'm older i want to be an artist, i want to read every book i can set my eyes on, i want to fall in love over and over again, i want to learn how to love myself, i want to change lives, i want to be the next andy warhol but i also want to be the next bon scott, i want to write books, i want my words to give people goose bumps, i want to live in america and i want to take a photo infront of this bridge. mind you i'm going to do all of these things.

i felt like going up to you today and slapping you in the face for all the horrible thing you've said to me over the past year, i was looking forward of seeing the numberous hand marks on your face. i guess i hadn't really "forgiven" you for any of it.

i knew you would do this, i just fucking knew it. as soon as my relationship status goes to single. "are you okay? what happened?" you haven't spoken to me in nearlly two weeks, what makes you think you have any right to know my buisness? i had a plan to throw it all in your face, make you feel as shitty as i do. make YOU feel alone and like you have no one you can talk to properly. i knew the exact words i'd say to you, but as soon as you started talking to me all of the words just seemed to not make any sense and not be appropiate. just mean. just because i'm having a bad time doesn't mean i have to make it difficult for you aswell. i ignored your questions and just asked you why we hadn't spoken in ages. "school." seemed to be the only excuse you could come up with. i probably sound like an idiot but you have been online and it's not hard to leave me a simple message asking how things have been lately. i miss you and i need you and i love you and i want you to be here instead of over there. (the worst part? i don't think you feel the same anymore.)

could you please just enjoy being with me? stop making everything into some huge drama. i don't admit it but every single fight of ours is because of you, you may bring out the best in me but you also bring out the worst. we're fifteen, let's have some god damn fun and worry about everything else later.

surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine.

and as i took that final breath i felt alive. i haven't lost anything except my mind, expect a thousand confessions that you will not find. i try to take off my head sometimes because i can't escape the memories. i sold my soul to stop the pain, hoping you'd set me free. my mistake for wasting yours and mine. when you mentioned drugs all i thought was sober, when you mentioned blue all i thought was colour. 'cause i've seen the days where there's nothing i can hold onto with my broken hands, i'm not thinking that i should anyway. so i leave holding nothing, i don't care what you say because it makes no difference if i throw it away! i'll be just fine pretending i'm not, i'm far from lonely and it's all that i've got. oh what a beautiful night to die. kill, smile, cut it out for me this time, smile. was it worth it? she had an earthquake on her mind. this time i'm not going to watch myself die. liar, liar, stopping your soul from catching fire, fire. you lied to the angels, said i stabbed you to death? a scream that's loud enough to wake the dead. we are the light in the tunnel, we are living and dieing. take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars. it's hard to say that i was wrong, it's hard to say i miss you. since you've been gone it's not the same. it's hard to say i've held my tongue, it's hard to say if only. since you've been gone it's not the same. kiss me like you did, my heart stopped beating. i'm melting in your eyes. i lost my place, i could stay awhile. just stay with me, lay with me. this is one more time to say i love you always, and keeping faith, letting love find a way.

it seems like the media immediatly points a finger at me, so i point one right back at them. not the index or pinkie, or the ring or the thumb, it's the one you put up when you just don't give a fuck, when you just won't put up with the bullshit the pull 'cause they're full of shit too - when a dude's getting bullied and shoots up his school and they blame it on marilyn or the herion.

don't say a word just come over and lie here with me. 'cause i'm about to set fire to everything i see. i want you so bad i'll go back on the things i believe. there i just said it, i'm scared you'll forget about me.

there's an envelope in my diary with everything you've given me. every note, every letter, your i.d, just everything that reminds me of you. i put it in there the night you broke me. all i remember is shaking, grabbing all of your shit around my room, throwing my diary on the floor, throwing everything in it and taping it up with over ten layers of tape and telling myself i'd never open it again, just as i said i would never speak to you again. now, we're dating again. i know you love me and i hope you know i feel the same. you haven't said a hurtful word like you did that night since, but i'm still too scared to open it and i don't know why.

i don't like you at the moment.

it hurts to say it and it hurts to realise it, but i'm giving up on you. your promises will never and could never come true. if you wanted to see me so badly, you would have fucking made it happen by now. the reaction i got when i told you about me and him made me doubt even having the conversation with you in the first place. "oh. i just don't want him to hurt you again, but i guess i'm happy for you." i asked you what the problem was. "i just don't like him."

i saw this picture and remembered when you asked me why i deleted his number out of my phone, and how all i did was laugh and say 'i don't even remember.' when the truth is, i deleted it so i could stop torturing myself, thinking i would see his name pop up one more time.

i don't want to sit next to you or watch you fuck this up, this is your last year and last chance to turn it all around. so please stop being a dickhead in class. you promised me you would go to formal with me, and you promised you would dance with me at it. if you ruin those things for me, i will be so fucking dissapointed.

"i love you, in a really big 'pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last peice of cheese cake, hold a radio over my head outside your window,' unforunate way that makes me hate you, love you. so pick me, choose me, love me."

slow dancing in my bedroom to no music except eachothers laughs, kisses that took my breath away, looking at your dimples go from bold to nothing to bold again, talking to you about anything and everything, spooning while watching whatever's on tv, feeling your hands slide up and down my body. i looked up at your eyes, they were closed. but your hands still traced every single spot that made me jolt, whenever you heard me make a noise or move because of it, a smile crept. your fingers still going over my tickle spots, your eyes still closed, i found it amazing that you knew where everything was.

"i think you're the most beautiful girl i've ever met. i'd like it if you were my girlfriend."

"i'd like to be your girlfriend."

what if i die tomorrow? what if i get diagnosed with cancer in the next few months? what if i never get to meet the person i am meant to be with? what if i never get to see the world for what it is? this is why i think i have every god damn right to do as i please, for this is my life and i should be able to live it the way i like. because at the end of the day, you will only regret the things you didn't do or didn't have the chance to. i have no shame for what i've done and what i'll continue to do, and i don't want to be around people that think i should or make it uncomfortable for me to be myself. i don't need you.

jump off a cliff.

my father's mother keeps ringing my his phone, she's probably rung three times in the past half an hour. for what? who knows. probably some more ways to try and ruin her sons life and his familys, too. oh god i'm having trouble telling myself to not pick up the phone and to tell her to go fuck herself.

choose cocaine and having the time of your life with kids you would have hated in highschool. choose god. choose family. choose both. choose a lover and sleeping in the same bed every night. chose to learn about the weather. choose to drown in the ocean. choose to be a lawyer and make alot of fucking money. choose living day to day on luck. choose sex. choose drugs. choose to love everyone and everything no matter what. choose to move on. choose to be better than everyone else. choose to be the one everyone talks shit about because you went out and got what you wanted with no shame. choose fucking up every chance you get in the pursuit of finding something pure. we will all forgive you.

i woke up one day unaware of what had happened to my body. more importantly, how my body had determined what would happen in my life. the sadness was always there, just hanging around the corner when i thought i had beat the game, it was always close. there was joy too, hidden in dirt, and those basements in stranger's houses where we found eachother drunk and young and eager to touch and experience. we found eachother, and lost eachother, again and then again. it wasn't getting old, not yet. it was getting old and young, and falling in love too many time in the same week, month, year. i fell in love everyday, i was good at it. i would tell myself, this is me, this is what i do. i fall in love, all the fucking time. the drink took away what the love could not. drink made everything grey, hollow, blood in between the teeth the morning after. at night it got worse but it was always better. underneath those half burnt out broken lights, we would decide just what we were going to do with our lives. and then i met you, and then the joy was silent, open. some memory, lost and found. the stillness in my life at the time was profound. it was neither wanted nor not wanted. the air gets heavy. my body trapped in spiders webs, and i still got it all. sleeping in so many beds, each night focus on the color of the wall. so many colours, so many empty bottles and lines in the bathroom. explaining when i was really fucked up that i was just trying to get back to you. everything i did. every little and every big thing, just to get back to you. one more day, just like it was, in the beginning. - e.s

sometimes i wish you could see how i've turned out. i fantasize about the things you'd say to me, meeting me for the first time in nearly ten years. i wonder if dad looks at me and see's you. i used to be terrified of the possible fact that he loves you more than me, i still do, even though you chose to leave. he still keeps a photo of you in his wallet. i'm still hoping one day you'll find me, somewhere, anywhere, i hope you tell me you're sorry for leaving without an explanation, i want you to spend a day with me so i can get to know the new you, because the last time i saw you i don't even know how i old i was. i loved singing with you, i loved playing card games with you, i loved telling you about things that happened at school - i guess that's why i hate those things now. i believe that you can't miss something if you've never had it, but i still can't help but get the feeling. everytime i see your step brother around school i wonder if he knows what i know, i wonder if he see's you on a daily basis and if he tells you about me. i hope he does. (you won't tell me what she did or why, so all i can do is feel this way.)

i hate fighting with him, it makes me feel sick and it makes school just that more harder to deal with. i hate not speaking with him, i'm always scared that somethings happened to him. i feel that way about everyone i'm close to. i know i shouldn't have given him so many chances, but i value our relationship so much more than fighting to prove a point.