i will always love you in some sort of way. whether it be as my friend, as my brother or the sort of way that you want. it will always just be there.

these lyrics have been stuck in my head for the past week.

when we were in love, things were better than they are.

i think i told you that i didn't love you anymore and i think that i tried to push you away for the same reasons. either was because i didn't want to get hurt or, maybe it was because i didn't want to hurt you.

i'm putting myself out there to you for another time. i want you to stay in my life and i'm not hiding how i feel towards you anymore. so please don't shut me down again. it hurts.

i asked one of your best friends today if you were okay and she looked at my like i was crazy. she then said that you and her hardly talk about how one another are feeling. that's when i realised that i am, or was that person in your life that you go to when you really needed someone, but now i think, that you feel as though you've lost that. i realised that everyone needs someone. "i'm not sure why you still talk to me and stuff but i'm glad. it makes me feel good and safe that you are there for me. i guess i can really talk to you about anything."

you still mean so much to me.

"i don't know what i mean. i don't even know what i'm saying most of the time. i'm so pissed off and angry lately and if i'm not that i'm upset. i need someone i can talk to, i need someone i can trust, you were that person i needed. now i feel like i'm not worth your time or space." when i read this this morning, i knew that you were now beyond hurting.

if i could let myself i would tell you so many things. like, how i just can't stop thinking about you. that i always search for you at school. that your new haircut is stupid, but now that it's grown out a little i sorta like it. i would tell you how i still sometimes defend what people say about you. that it makes me feel sick when i see you, but it's not in a bad way. a nervous way. i hate it when you don't walk past me after recess or lunch. i want to ask you if you're okay because all your friends have gone and because i saw you hanging out with people i know you don't like today. i want to ask you if you're scared about next year because i am. i want you to tell me you never meant what you said and that it was only out of anger once again, that you miss me and i want you to come and hug me too tight.

c a l m.

pete murray, jaimi-lee, watching someone move chords, john mayer, peppermint tea on a cold day, going to sleep while it's raining, watching gerard way's mouth while he sings or talks, having sore legs then getting into bed, listening to that song that makes me want to dance with you, rubbing my eyes, violins and acoustic guitars, seeing your name light up on my phone.

i don't know what i feel right now, but it's familiar. it's a mix between missing you, hating you and feeling nothing at all. not nothing towards you, but just nothing.

i miss you more than i did yesterday.

i just was lying on my bed, singing along to my new-old favourite band, and i hear a vibrating noise. i look over and see '1 new message.' it was the text i've been waiting for all weekend.

'i don't care what they say.'

i get these random urges to just go up to you and kiss you like crazy when i see you around school. when i see your jaw line, when i see your awkward stance, when i see you smile, when i see the curves around your mouth from a few metres away, when i see you talking to other girls.. it all drives me crazy, bad and good. when i see you i just see and remember everything we had. when i'm lying in bed, the day when you were lying there with me comes to my mind. when i walk past the place where we had our first kiss, it hurts a little. when i'm sitting in p.e i always remember the day i saw you laugh until you had tears coming out of your eyes. i remember when those lyrics came over us and we just stared at eachother. i remember all the inside jokes we had. when i sit in the lecture theatre, all i can think of is when we were playing around and you grabbed my hand and kept it in one spot and the smile you gave me. i remember the way you held my hand at exhibitions. but then i remember all the bad things, and i just don't know how to feel anymore.

sheets are stained with memories of your soft kiss. now all i have, paper and pen to rememeber you with.

i will sing this to you.

i've got an angel, he doesn't wear any wings. he wears a heart that can melt my own, he wears a smile that makes me want to sing. he gives me presents, with his presence alone. he gives me everything i could wish for, he gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home. he can make angels, i've seen it with my own eyes. you've got to be careful with good love, 'cause those angels will just keep on multiplying. you're so busy changing the world, just one smile and you can change all of mine.

you didn't even know how much you had me, you didn't know how i was speechless everytime when you accused me of being intersted in other guys, you didn't know how that made me feel. you never knew how completely and utterly crazy i was for you. i would have done absolutely anything for you. (i never lied and i never will lie to you.)

i don't understand how you can say such things to me, but then say that you never wanted to hurt me.

you're not who i thought you were.

i turned my head this morning, and saw you. i just thought 'it's alright, it's okay, it's no big deal. i'll be okay. just don't cry.' you were looking at your shoes as you were walking, and then you looked up and saw me, and i saw you. my heart sunk, my legs felt like jelly and it was hard to just keep my head up. i tried to give you a dirty look as i turned back and walked away instead of showing you how weak i was. i swear to god i could have collapsed right there on the spot.

i could see it when i saw you this morning, i could see it when you walked past me after recess, i could see it as you walked to your bus. i saw it every single time i saw your fact today. you may be hurting, but you sure as hell are not hurting like i am. for once, i'm going to fix myself before you. i'm putting myself first this time.

i don't care about what you have to say anymore.

you know what's funny? you were right. i read it all last night and fucking laughed my ass off. "i know what i say probably doesn't mean much anymore to you after what i said on msn. you're not a mistake, you're deffinatly no regret, honestly you were the best thing that happened to me in a long time. for what it's worth i'm sorry for what i said. if i could take it back, i would. i'm sorry for being stubborn, i'm sorry for not realising, i'm sorry for trying to share the blame when it's all my fault. i was really upset today when you said you didn't love me anymore, and when you said 'are you gonna have a conversation with me or just be all moody' it pissed me off. i know it's not excuse for what i said and i know sorry isn't going to be good enough. if there's something i can do to make it up to you. i know you're not going to talk to me now and you probably hate me, i guess i'm just going to get out of your life. i never wanted to hurt you emmylou, i really hate myself for it. i wish i listened." those words up there? didn't have any impact on me whatsoever and still don't. they didn't make me feel better and they didn't make me think that you were telling the truth either. i put my phone down, laughed some more and tried to sleep what was left of my night.

last night as i couldn't sleep, i opened my box full of your little letters and notes to me. i read through them and they didn't really make any difference to how i was feeling, because i knew every word written was now a lie. i found the one "show me your sex face plawks." i didn't even know that i still had it, and it just made me crack, i threw it on my bed and could not stop crying. all i could think was 'fuck you, you still make me laugh while you're still hurting me.' i laughed as i cried and just went all over the place. as tears streamed down my face, i put everything that reminds me of you in an envelope that's now in my diary. your i.d, yours letters and notes, song names that remind me of you. everything, it's all away where i can't get it. i read things that i had written just over a month ago of all the things i love about you, and just thought to myself 'what the fuck happened?' i wrote about the day you came over and we were lying on my bed, and how you kept touching my chin and how you kissed my nose. you said i had an amazing smile and that you were the luckiest guy in the world. what happened?

i'm listening to the song that i thought i never could again because it's the one thing that can get my mind off of you. i really hope this week goes fast.

congratulations, i hate you.

i put up with so much of your motherfucking bullshit. and yeah i guess i didn't have to, but i did because i thought you were worth it. i thought you were going to be the boy who changed things around for me. you said it was unfair for me to do what i did? i think it's fucking unfair that you treated me like a moron for months and i think it's unfair that you expected me to stay around. you know what else i think? i think you're a motherfucking hypoctrical idiot and a fucking annoying little pest who is so fucking ungrateful. so yeah, i guess you should have listened to callum. i guess i am a mistake and i guess i was the regret.

this picture describes me perfectly right now.

1, 400 miles.

you are approximately 1, 400 miles away from me. it is also approximately three years until i can ever see you. some girls talk about how they didn't get to see their boyfriends or the guy they like one day, i feel like saying 'at least you get to see him.'

i guess i was waiting.

i don't understand how one minute you can be all shitty with me than the next be all lovely. i don't understand how you can be so cruel. i don't understand this sick feeling you still give me. i don't understand why you still make me feel scared. i don't understand how you hurt me so many times, and still expected me to stay. i don't understand why i did stay for so long.

we can live like jack and sally if we want, where you can always find me. we'll have halloween on christmas.

i can't take my eyes off of you.

if you can't treat your girl right, there's always going to be someone else who can.

'did you text me? because if you did i can't get it. i broke my phone.' 'what happened to it?' 'it was broken anyway so i broke it more so i can get a new one.' 'haha good idea.' 'yup, i'm a thinker.. yeah whatever i'm going.' WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. YOU. what did i fucking do wrong now? i would honestly rather you not even speak to me, than have to put up with your fucking annoying mood swings. this is all your fault anyway. you pushed me away.

i listened to this song every bus ride home when we had a good day because you made me feel as alive as that song did. whenever i looked out the window with this song going through my mind, i could see your eyes so clearly even though i had just said goodbye to you five minutes before. honestly, i still do. i didn't think i'd be able to listen to it without feeling weird or sad or thinking that it would feel wrong, but it's not. i've realised that i'm ready for new things.

i had fun.

all i can remember is wanting to vomit, needing to pee, the time going too fast, falling asleep with a huge smile, just wanting someone to cuddle with, slapping myself and it not hurting, seeing boobs, texting you but wanting to be with him, stumbling, feeling dizzy, hiding your phone, singing 'i like big butts', telling everyone that they're beautiful, talking about you, not caring about what i was doing, laughing hysterically, hearing that i was being extremeley loud, the ice cream, going on tumblr, telling jake i felt really sick, not knowing how i got where i was, looking at the stars, the red sky, stepping on snails. this seems like a lot but when i look back on last night, i can hardly remember anything. i think that's why i feel so spaced out today.

this reminds me of you.

the reason i can easily say 'i don't need this' is because i know i don't. i want to be happy and i only want people around me that make that possible. you said you didn't know how i can say 'i just don't need this' and mean it, and to move on. but i guess it's because i've been where you are. i've had to chose between someone that 'causes nothing but pain even though they've been your best friend for ages or finding something new and better. no one's telling you what to do, we all understand that it is hard for you. i just want you to know that i'm here and i understand, because that's what i really wished someone had said to me.

i love how you call me darling, i love how you remembered i was saving my money, i love how your mum thinks i'm cute, i love how you didn't judge me for it, you just asked why, i love how we have arguments over who's cute, i love how tall you are, i love how even after four years i still feel like i carry you around with me somehow, i love knowing that in a years time you will be mine, i love how all you want to do is help other people, i love how i actually feel like you love me for who i am, i love your accent, i love how we promised eachother we wouldn't leave, i love how you know how to treat a girl, i love your weird taste in music, i love how you've always been there for me even when i've been too selfish with your love, i love the giggly feeling you give me, i love how i had that recording of you singing, i love how you really do make me feel like i'm not alone, i love the things we plan to do like our ten minute hug at the airport, i love how you helped me out of that hole.

i love planning things like this with you. we will lie in bed, we will watch the mighty boosh, we will cuddle and i will kiss you.

i find complete reasurance when i come home because i know you'll be online waiting to ask me how my day was, and knowing that if my day was bad you'll fix it, and if it was great then you'll make it even better.

i have never judged what you do, i even said those exact words to you. i don't care, i'm gonna judge, it's your life. so for you to come to me this morning and say that you're sorry and you want to be friends again, and then this afternoon go and spread shit about what me and my friends do on our weekends? i find that incredibly hypocritcal considering the shit you do.

the most sense you've ever made.

"i know you hate me and i'm really sorry for everything i have put you through. i really hope you find the right guy. you were a good girlfriend, i mean it. but i think we just fucked up bad."

you can't save people, they have to save themselves.

be optimistic, don't you be grumpy. when the road gets bumpy just smile, smile, smile and be happy.

i'm glad that i didn't feel like someone was stabbing my chest everytime you looked me in the eye today. i'm glad i don't feel the need to put your happiness over my own. i'm glad one of your best friends even agrees with me on just how of an asshole you've been.

it's because you hardly ever realised how much of myself i put into this relationship, it's because you never encouraged me to be myself, it's because i deserve better, it's because you're selfish, it's because you're incosiderate of everyones feeling but your own, it's because you hardly made an effort, it's because you never took notice, it's because you got mad at me for hugging my guy friends then you let her sit in your lap and play with your hair, it's because you never made any effort with my friends and judged them, it's because we have the exact same conversations over and over, it's because you're rude, it's because you said you didn't know why you even thought i was a good girlfriend, it's because you say one thing and then another because i got upset about it, it's because you don't know who i am and never took the time to figure out who that might be, it's because you never stood up for me, it's because you made fun of me, it's because you never took me seriously, it's because every single week there was always something i did wrong.

what is there to work out? i do not want to be with you. you're a selfish, inconsiderate prick and no, you're not going to change. clear enough?

good luck, mother fucker.

"can't believe i thought you were a good girlfriend."

good luck finding another girl that will put up with you for as long as i did. good luck finding another girl that will you give you more second chances than i did. good luck getting me back.

stay, away from me.

i realised that i don't have to be like this, i don't have to put up with you anymore, i don't have to be anyone but myself. that i have lovely people in my life and that i don't need you. that being single is fucking great and i can do whatever i want. that i can easily be happy without you.

i need to see you.

the first thing you say to me on msn, "emmylou! you okay darling?" i love you so much. i love how you can tell when i'm upset just by the first word i say to you. i love how you said you would pay for my plane ticket even though you said you can't even afford a new webcam. i love how you're always there for me. i love how you said i have a really cute smile. i love how as i was walking home and thinking about all the things i want in someone, you all of a sudden came to my mind. i love you so much.

if we are ever going to get back together..

last night you told me you want to change, that you hated yourself for how you made our relationship all about you and how seflish you've been. you said you still loved me and even though i still love you, i'm not going to believe any of those words until you prove them to me.

the thing that really pisses me off about you, is how you'll ask for my opinion, then think you can poke holes in it and how you argue with the things i have to say. my opinion is MINE. don't like it? don't ask for it.

this is true.

i hate that you're upset, even if i was a little jealous of you and her. i hate that i can't help you, i hate that i can't actually be there with you. if i was with you right now, i would let you fall and let you cry and tell you how much i love you. for now i can only tell you how much i love you over the internet which hurts the most because i know that words don't change anything.

choke.

you laughed at my best friend over the interent, that has fucking pissed me off.

this is it. i've deleted your number out of my phone, blocked and deleted you on msn and deleted you off facebook. you are not going to try and weave your way into my life again and tear it apart, i have worked too hard for this to be ruined by someone like you and if you ever try and contact me again, i will coincidently run into you and punch you in the face.