When we were younger we thought everyone was on our side. Then we grew a little bit and romanticized the time I saw flowers in your hair. It takes a boy to live, it takes a man to pretend he was there. So then we grew a little and knew a lot and now we demonstrated it to the cops and all the things we said we were self-assured. Cause it's a long road to wisdom but it's a short one to being ignored. Be in my eyes, be in my heart, be in my eyes and be in my heart. So now I think that I could
love you back and I hope it's not too late cause you're so attractive, and the way you move, I won't close my eyes. It takes a man to live. It takes a woman to make him compromise. Be in my eyes, be in my heart, be in my eyes and be in my heart.

2012.

 

It's almost the end of the year, and so much has changed.

For one, I started college. Every one told me it would change everything but I refused to believe that. Boom, first day of college, everything is different. A good different.

I met so many wonderful people and I met so not-so-wonderful people. In college you really discover yourself all over again. You think you know what you want in highschool, or at least what you don't want. But in college you change your mind a thousand times a day.

The amount of people you met is overwhelming. I found myself meeting a new person every day or meeting someone and asking them if they were new, and them saying that they had been there as long as I had. You're introduced to a lot of new experiences and you make a lot of mistakes. You fuck up and that's a given. You can't avoid it.

I met a lot of people, I lost a lot of people. I lost touch with someone who I never thought I would and that was such a reality check for me.

I failed classes, I aced classes. I made new beautiful friends. My mind set is in such a better place right now.

I cut my hair, I kissed people, I got so drunk I couldn't walk, I screamed, I loved, I hated, I healed.

I'm so excited for the new year to come: I turn 18, I get my P's, it's my last year of schooling, I'm going to get my first car, I have two tattoos lined up, year 12 formal and graduation.

Looking back on 2012, it wasn't bad but it was all that great either. I'm really glad for the things I got to do and experience this year, but I'm so ready for 2013 and what this year will bring.

What's not okay.

 

I'll admit it, 90% of the posts on this blog are about you. I always write about how I'll never write about you again. But you know what? It's okay to. It's okay to remember you and everything we were. I found all your letters the other day, and I didn't stumble upon them accidentally. Once again, I've written on here how I would never read them. But you know what? It's okay to. It's okay to read over your words.

I swore I fell in love with you all over again when I read them. My heart felt warm and I felt the familiarity that you gave me and that I was so scared to be without. I felt the familiarity that I haven't felt in two years. I read through my diary, and I felt the same thing. But as I got deeper into my journal that held your name on every page, I found myself getting angry at you. I felt angry for you making and letting me go through such things. I felt angry and hurt and sad all over again.

Your letters, your words, made me feel love again. My words, my pain, made me feel the stabbing pain I hide.

I didn't understand why this had to happen. I know that if you were still in my life, my life would be so different. I had a feeling of texting you again, or adding you online so we could talk. But you know what? That's not okay.

Because even though you were my first love, even though I was yours, even though we knew eachother better than the other did, even though I haven't been in love since, we still had our problems. We were still damaged and we still couldn't be together, and we probably still can't.

It's not okay to run back to the past when it made you unhappy, even if it is familiar and safe territory. A close friend of mine always says, make new memories. Make new memories. Replace the bad ones with good ones and I'm going to keep doing that. I hope you do the same.

"Best friends forever."

 

 

I've been reading old posts on this blog. They've made me smile, they've made me happy, they've made me nostalgic, they've made me cry. I have photos and writing about people who I swore to myself I would never let go. I felt capable to love them forever. One person in particular these posts have reminded me of, is someone who I considered blood. In fact, we were thicker than blood. I loved her, I loved her, oh did I love her. She was my everything. I remember her distintcly saying that we were going to grow old together. We were going to be old ladies sitting together and still crying from laughter and being ridiculous together. We promised each other "forever."

I've learnt that things change and sometimes you can't change how that is. You can't change a person, you can't save a person and you can't hold onto old memories because it hurts too much. Sometimes you have to let someone go, not just for their sake but for yours aswell. Sometimes shit happens and that's how life is. Nothing is forever and you have to appreciate what you have right here and right now.

Judging books.

Though I may be thin, I don't let anyone in but I can't help but let this begin. Though I maybe be cold and I feel I am growing old, please baby just come back home. I'm tired of feeling alone. Tell me how to let go. Love, I know you're doing fine. Your chapters end so well. Love, I love your welling eyes. They're happy, I can tell. Love, I know you'll be alright but I can't help but feel sorry. 'Cause love, your book will end alright. Mine is a different story.

I've tried letting go, I don't know how to quit you. No, baby, you can't change me. But maybe you'll find that you're better off, better off. That's what you get for, that's what you get for, moving on, moving on. Try and forget you, try and forget like every tear you ever cried. Pack them up and say goodbye. Moving on. I spent a long time without you and I'm still doing everything I can just to not think about you. Not that I doubt you, if I found you would I let my thoughts surround you. I feel just a little bit stronger. I'll wait just a little bit longer. But I'm doing just fine without you.

You've got a face to call home.

I'm going to find someone who I can send links of John Mayer songs to, and I'm going to tell them that these songs are the perfect words strung together to express my love for them. There's no other way to tell them how much I love them except for the written words from my favourite artist, I hope this person understands.

I love you.

“I love you’ means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you’re in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. ‘I love you’ means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same about me.” — Johnathon Safran Foer

The fact that someone made me feel this way makes me so scared.

"I knew all the pain, the struggles would lead me somewhere. I always knew in a small part of my mind that the nights I spent struggling, crying, hurting and deciding would lead me somewhere. It would either be walking around numb or it would make me better. I’ve had my fair share of fuck ups, of being fucked up and wanting to be even more fucked up. I’ve had my fair share of being used, lied to and hurt by other people. But the fact that you have come into my life and made me feel again, it’s a beautiful feeling. I love that you’ve taught me to trust again, I love that I let my guard down for you, I love being with you, I love being yours and I love that you’re mine. The fact that all my struggles have lead me to this? Sometimes I want to thank you for fucking me up mentally, emotionally, physically and every other way in between because I probably wouldn’t be where I am or have the people I do in my life. I’ve spent nights wondering if I should end it all, I’ve spent days telling myself ‘just a few more hours and you can —- yourself when you get home’, I’ve wanted to not wake up in the mornings, I debated whether or not every afternoon walking home from school if I should throw myself into the oncoming traffic. I’ve dug hard, I’ve hated hard and this love that has flooded my world the past two months is a breath of fresh air. Rohit, you’re changing me and an loving you for it. You’re amazing, baby."

Old writings.

I had a dream last night that you came up to me and started apologizing. I wanted to tell you to get away, but I ran straight into your arms and kissed you and told you I had missed you. You said you missed me too. We kissed and laughed and held eachother and talked for hours and it felt so real. I held your hand in mine again, I touched your face, I told you I loved you and it felt so real. I have never woken up so empty before.

It’s your birthday in a month. Yes I’ve remembered. I drove past your street today. A lot has happened in the past year and a half. Apart of me has wanted to tell you and apart of me knows you don’t deserve any part of my life. I miss you sometimes. I don’t get nervous when I see you around town anymore. We were crazy in love, weren’t we? I’ve never really been the same since you left. I deleted our photos, they just drove me insane. I’ve never felt as comfortable enough with anyone else but you. I remember I would invite you over and I would still be in my pyjamas, we would spoon in my bed and watch bad tv.

I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned. I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned. I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side. I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.

I’m not angry because you’re dating someone, infact if you hadn’t acted so childish and cowardly I would be happy for you. But you chose to do the wrong thing, which was to hurt the person who cared for you the most. I’m angry because you’ve cut me out of your life like we never happened. I’m angry because you’re dating the girl who ultimately broke us up. I’m angry because you told me you loved me and that you would always be there for me, and the next night you delete me from everything. I’m angry because I loved you back. I’m angry that I have no explanation. I’m angry that you’ve treated me like nothing, and that you’ve made me feel like fucking nothing. I have never felt so betrayed or not good enough in so long. It took be over a year to date again because of him, and I felt safe going into your arms. And now that you’ve done this? I hate you. Those three words have no emphasis on a website but they’re the only words I can find right now. I hate you so much that I wouldn’t care if you ODed again. I don’t care that you harmed yourself. I don’t care that you were suicidal and I don’t care if you still are. I wouldn’t care if I saw you bleeding. I don’t care because you didn’t care that I was going through or doing all these things, too.

So nearlly a month ago I woke to my boyfriend's ex girlfriend sending me message about how my boyfriend said numerous things. She also sent me the screen caps of their conversation. These things included, 1. I do not sexually satisfy him. When a weekend before that I was at his house, and it did not seem like I wasn't satisfying him. This was the last time I saw him because he pretty much stopped communicating with me except for small talk on Facebook. 2. He said that he liked her more than he liked me, and that he couldn't dump me because I was too attatched. When not long after this I was sitting with him where we usually did, and he told me about how attatched to me he was and that he felt stupid because he thought I didn't feel the same way. Regardless of these things, I spent hours on the phone with him listening to him explain that it was all taken out of context, that everything he said was a joke and people should learn to figure out when he's joking. I made myself forgive him, I told myself it wasn't a big deal, because I honestly wanted to be with him so much, that I believed he was the victim. You told me you would never speak to your ex, that she was dead to you and you wouldn't let this ruin us. You told me you would always be there for me, and I felt okay. I felt that we were on edge but I didn't think that what's happened since then would have ever happened. We got off the phone, you said you loved me and you said you would always be there for me. I thought we were so lovely together. We got along so well, there was never a dull moment. You were constantly telling me how beautiful I was, you were constantly telling me how I was the perfect girl for you. And I believed you. You had me convinced we were going to last years, and I could feel that we were. I can still hear the way you strung your words together to make me melt, I can still feel your touch on my body and it makes me cringe. The next night you tell me you think we aren't working, ON FUCKING FACEBOOK. We aren't going to work, because you feel nothing let alone anything for me because you had lost your best friend. You said I deserved better and I agreed. I agreed that I deserved better, from you. So despite him saying he loved me, and that he would always be there for me he then proceeded to delete me from Facebook and ignore my messages. I haven't spoken to him since, because he refuses to make any kind of contact with me. I spent awile on my own and not speaking to anyone and just trying to accept that he wasn't in my life anymore. And recently I've been keeping myself distracted until I read online that you and your ex are friends again. That pissed me off. Tonight I read you and your ex are dating. I am beyond fucking pissed off. I have no words to explain how hurt and betrayed I am, I am literally shaking. It's not the fact that he is dating someone, but because he's dating the person he said he hated and that if he ever saw her, he would punch her in the face even though he's against hitting women. I swear, you had better hope I'm not by myself if I ever see you again because I will fucking rip you to shreds you fucking peice of shit. You were the biggest waste of time, I wish I had never met you and I wish I had never let myself fall for you. I'm at the place where I just want to see you in pain. I want to see you crying and bleeding and I want to cause the bleeding. Mother fucking fuck, how dare you do this to me. I deserve fucking respect you cunt. I don't feel like crying, because you don't deserve my tears. I want this feeling to go away and the one way I can think of I told myself I wouldn't.

Fuck you for making me feel like this. Fuck you for making me feel like I deserved this. Fuck you for using me. Fuck your words and your lies. Fuck yourself. I am so much better than you. When you dumped me over Facebook and said that I deserve better, and I agreed? I meant from you. I deserved better from you. But now, hell fucking yes I deserve better than you.

I haven't felt this nice is long time. I've forgotten what this feels like. I used to always open up my window when I was feeling like shit at night, because that's when the best kind of breeze would fly through. I would stick my head out my window, and I could forget about all the crazy shit that would be going on down stairs. I don't know why, but it was such a beautiful feeling and I don't know why I haven't done this in so long. I think I've been hiding myself away. I don't want to do that anymore. I am a good person and I deserve love and respect in every form, and I won't stop trying until I get it.

I'm strong, fucking hell I am. It's scary to say but I'll get through this. Having the thought in my mind makes me feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff with no one to catch me. But I'll keep these thoughts because I am fucking strong.

I don't want to be stuck in a job I hate. I don't want to be tied down. I don't want a mortgage. I don't want to be scared. I don't want cancer. I don't want to depend on other people do much. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't want to be alone. I want someone I can text at any time of the day and have them come over so we can mess around in bed like we used to. I want this hole to fill and I want this pain to subside. I want a new habit. I don't want this life. Truth be told, I don't know what I want or who I am or what's going to happen to me.

“I can choose to indulge in my frustrations or I can choose to create a habit of happiness. It’s not easy but it’s worth the fight.”

When I first met you I thought nothing of it. I was in a mind set where I was sure I wouldn't be with someone for awhile. When we first started talking I thought, wow, you are brilliant. Then when we hung out for the first time and gradually spent more time either together or texting or messaging and getting to know eachother I thought, wow, you are everything I've been looking for in someone. I don't want this post to be about yet another depressing break up because even though towards the end of our relationship you let me down, that was news to me because the rest of you and I were so perfect. We weren't together for a long time but I knew you were special. I don't regret you or anything like that. I'm so happy I met you and I'm so happy you gave me a few months of pure happiness. I've tried to think of your faults lately to stop myself from knowing that I've lost someone who was perfect for me but you really had none except for your big mouth, which was what broke us apart. And you know what, I do deserve better. Not someone else, but from you. I have no sympathy towards you. I thought you were different and maybe you still are but for now you're being a coward. I know I had more to give, I had so many plans for us, and I'm not sorry for anything.

The good times and the bad times both will pass. It will pass. It will get easier. But the fact that it will get easier does not mean that it doesn’t hurt now. And when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, that it won’t get better. Because it will.

Oh how, pretty is the middle of June?

I dont have many followers on here but when I wrote on here more frequently, I liked knowing some people knew my story or could hear me in some way and I always appreciated the comments or advice left. Again, alot has been happening since I've last posted. I've started college, and to be honest I can't see myself getting through it and I can't see myself being anywhere else but there. The past few months have been very confusing in that factor of my life. I'm confused as to what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, should I even be here when I don't want to be. Why should I do things I don't want to. I'm very doubtful. Apart from school, I have met an amazing guy who I now call my boyfriend. He's the best thing that has happened to me in so long. I've figured out what my passion is and I'm trying to just work with that for now. I'm dealing with things as they come, and sometimes it comes all too fast for me to handle but I'm doing the best I can without losing my shit completely. I don't like posting on this blog much just because it reminds me of things I've tried and forced myself to forget but if anyone of you are interested my main blog now is www.slowroomburningdance.tumblr.com and my personal blog is www.yourloveisafe.tumblr.com . I think I still will post on here, but just very very rarely. Thank you all for listening.

Cut, cut, cut it away.

Goodbye.

I've said to myself numerous times that it's over, done with. I've wrote about it on my blogs, in my journals, I've said it to my self over and over. My phone died today so I had to find my old one that had hundreds of messages and multiple photos of you and I on it. I deleted the messages a long time ago but the photos were still on my memory, and in my memory. I deleted them without even thinking. Us kissing in the park, the photos of I took of your lanky arms and the curves around your mouth when you smiled really hard that I never wanted to forget. Gone, without even a second look. I found the last photo that we took together, that I know is on my computer somewhere but I noticed the date. 12th of April, 2012. 1 year + 5 days ago you were standing out on my front porch with me in your jacket. That night was one of the last times I gave you another chance. I remember because I was so nervous about seeing you because I hadn't spoken to you in a couple days because we were in a fight. You gave me possibly the last letter you had ever written me that night. I read it and cried and texted you telling you I was glad you were still in my life. I'm happy with myself for not wanting those photos anymore, I'm happy with myself for not having anything to do with you for almost the past year - And I'm not saying this now because I have someone new. To be honest, I don't know what it is. Sometimes I miss you, but then I realise that I miss who I thought you were. I miss the made-up boy I had in my head. I don't want to be with you, I will never be with someone like you. I don't want to speak to you ever again for as long as I'm breathing, I hope that last time that we spoke is burnt into your memory and I hope it hurts. I'm not bitter, I just hope you realise every single day how much of a fuck-up you are. I don't want anything to do with you. But I guess you still occupy apart of me still. I haven't deleted the songs of your favourite band off my ipod yet. I'm not sure if it's because I like them or because you liked them. And I haven't thrown your letters or my old journals that are filled with words about you out yet either. I haven't read them in months. Everytime I do I end up doing more pain to myself than neccesary. I've been scared of losing you, mentally and phsyically for too long. I've tried so many different ways to do it and I've learnt that doing it my way is the only way considerable. Many people have given me all sorts of advice, no, the only way I got through it was through time and pain and lonliness. The scars on my body will fade, I will delete your songs and I will throw away your letters all in good time. I will do it when I'm good and ready. I'm over you. I'm seeing my new guy in two days and soon I will be covered in his arms and his kisses and his words. Oh dear god, his sweet and beautiful words. Goodbye.

Did you know that you can be wrong and swear you're right? Some people have been known to do it all their life. But you've found yourself alone just like you found yourself before, like I found myself in peices on the hotel floor. Hard times have helped me see, I'm a good man with a good heart, had a tough time, had a rough start. But I've finally learnt to let it go. I'm right here and I'm right now, and I'm open knowing somehow my shadow days are over. I ain't no trouble maker and I never meant her harm. But that doesn't mean I didn't make it hard to carry on. Well it sucks to be honest and it hurts to be real. But it's nice to make some love that I can finally feel. My shadow days are over. My shadow days are over.

I'm stuck and I'm scared. The fact that everyone around me seems to know what they're doing scares me more, because I go day to day hoping no one calls my name. I feel alone, but it's not bothering me as much as it used to. Everyone important to me seems to just be walking out of my life without a struggle and I'm dreading the day everyone is gone. I feel like I should talk to someone but whenever I'm asked if I'm okay the words either get jumbled together or they spill out and I can't control them and no one takes notice. I feel like running away. I keep thinking that a 16 year old can't experience lonliness or anxiety like I do, but if I'm not supposed to know what these words mean how do I know how they feel? I'm not a kid anymore and telling me I 'just have no idea' sucks.

As blunt as this is and as much as you don't want to hear it, sometimes you just have to get over it. Life dealt you a bad hand and it's going to keep happening and unless you get over it or find a better way to deal with it, because you can't spend your whole life letting people treat you like a fucking door mat. People don't tell you what's what, you tell them. Don't let people fuck you around because I know you're better than that. Just think, in a couple of years will this matter? Sometimes it will and sometimes it seems like nothing is going to get better but it fucking does. Things change constantly. You think that time you had over complete and utter happiness was too short? Well sadness is the same, it comes and it goes. Situations change and people change and feelings change. So fucking stand up for yourself and get your shit together because life doesn't stop for anyone and it'll pass you right by.

I've got no idea when I'm coming home and all I want is to be left the fuck alone. I'm only being real, the depression comes and goes - Ignore it 'cause tonight there is yet another show. Looking in the mirror like 'what the fuck am I starin' at?' Not recognizing the brittle mess that is staring back so I'm givin' you the deepest shit you ever heard. With what I see though it makes it hard for me to put my trust in them, all it takes is one person to fail you and then you feel like majority will fail too. My insecurities will swallow me whole and when they arise yo, I'm not in control. No, that's rude, find a bridge and jump off. And if I tell you to fuck off, then fuck off. That's not me bein' immature about it
That's me admitting I'm insecure about it and I'm sorry if I'm seeming insane but I wrote this while I was at the peak of the pain. But now it's got me thinking I should keep it to myself. But I can't, I need it 'cause it helps. I hope you don't mind if I spill my pain. The longer that I don't is like I'm going insane, can I let it all out?

You know, some days it feels as if I'm this tiny speck of white in a void of endless and infinite black mess. It's kind of suffocating at times. People laugh at me when I'm sitting by myself and I'm like, so fucking what? I like being on my own, I like not being bothered. I dated alot of people a couple years back thinking it would lead me to somewhere useful or that it would make me realise who I am. Guess what? It didn't. What really made me aware of who I am is being left alone. Is being lonely, is being scared, is having no one. Lately I've been thinking about becoming an author. I think I could really write the raw and honest truth of people. I can see myself in an apartment like Carrie's, exactly like her. I'm honestly only interested in love stories of some kind, and I thought of my own love story and gagged at the thought of having to re-live you. Sometimes I feel like utterly fucking my life up just so I have something interesting to write about.

I'm so sorry for the greed, sorry for the hate, sorry for the mess I left you. But I don't want it back, I don't need it back. I don't need a parachute.

New, not so improved.

I haven't written on this blog for awhile and I want you all to know that I'm a different person now. My words don't flow as fluently as I would like them to, I don't have much to write about except the strangers I see on buses because I've been keeping it on the "down low." Not many people know me anymore, I'm bare and pure and I've usually got my head stuck in a book.

Today I met up with a girl who I haven't seen or had a real conversation with for months. I used to consider her my sister. We spent Valentines Day together, she helped me pack my room up when I was moving, when my brother was in hospital she ran up to me when I came back to school and hugged me, we sent each other letters every week that I still have. Every single one of them. She was the one holding me together even though I was falling apart and stumbling through the school halls. She was the one listening to me asking him if he had taken something or if he was trying to take his own life. She was there for me through so much and she taught me so much. If she didn't come into my life, I honestly don't know where I would be. She helped me through the darkest times of my life and for that, I'll be forever thankful.