Goodbye.

I've said to myself numerous times that it's over, done with. I've wrote about it on my blogs, in my journals, I've said it to my self over and over. My phone died today so I had to find my old one that had hundreds of messages and multiple photos of you and I on it. I deleted the messages a long time ago but the photos were still on my memory, and in my memory. I deleted them without even thinking. Us kissing in the park, the photos of I took of your lanky arms and the curves around your mouth when you smiled really hard that I never wanted to forget. Gone, without even a second look. I found the last photo that we took together, that I know is on my computer somewhere but I noticed the date. 12th of April, 2012. 1 year + 5 days ago you were standing out on my front porch with me in your jacket. That night was one of the last times I gave you another chance. I remember because I was so nervous about seeing you because I hadn't spoken to you in a couple days because we were in a fight. You gave me possibly the last letter you had ever written me that night. I read it and cried and texted you telling you I was glad you were still in my life. I'm happy with myself for not wanting those photos anymore, I'm happy with myself for not having anything to do with you for almost the past year - And I'm not saying this now because I have someone new. To be honest, I don't know what it is. Sometimes I miss you, but then I realise that I miss who I thought you were. I miss the made-up boy I had in my head. I don't want to be with you, I will never be with someone like you. I don't want to speak to you ever again for as long as I'm breathing, I hope that last time that we spoke is burnt into your memory and I hope it hurts. I'm not bitter, I just hope you realise every single day how much of a fuck-up you are. I don't want anything to do with you. But I guess you still occupy apart of me still. I haven't deleted the songs of your favourite band off my ipod yet. I'm not sure if it's because I like them or because you liked them. And I haven't thrown your letters or my old journals that are filled with words about you out yet either. I haven't read them in months. Everytime I do I end up doing more pain to myself than neccesary. I've been scared of losing you, mentally and phsyically for too long. I've tried so many different ways to do it and I've learnt that doing it my way is the only way considerable. Many people have given me all sorts of advice, no, the only way I got through it was through time and pain and lonliness. The scars on my body will fade, I will delete your songs and I will throw away your letters all in good time. I will do it when I'm good and ready. I'm over you. I'm seeing my new guy in two days and soon I will be covered in his arms and his kisses and his words. Oh dear god, his sweet and beautiful words. Goodbye.