When we were younger we thought everyone was on our side. Then we grew a little bit and romanticized the time I saw flowers in your hair. It takes a boy to live, it takes a man to pretend he was there. So then we grew a little and knew a lot and now we demonstrated it to the cops and all the things we said we were self-assured. Cause it's a long road to wisdom but it's a short one to being ignored. Be in my eyes, be in my heart, be in my eyes and be in my heart. So now I think that I could
love you back and I hope it's not too late cause you're so attractive, and the way you move, I won't close my eyes. It takes a man to live. It takes a woman to make him compromise. Be in my eyes, be in my heart, be in my eyes and be in my heart.

2012.

 

It's almost the end of the year, and so much has changed.

For one, I started college. Every one told me it would change everything but I refused to believe that. Boom, first day of college, everything is different. A good different.

I met so many wonderful people and I met so not-so-wonderful people. In college you really discover yourself all over again. You think you know what you want in highschool, or at least what you don't want. But in college you change your mind a thousand times a day.

The amount of people you met is overwhelming. I found myself meeting a new person every day or meeting someone and asking them if they were new, and them saying that they had been there as long as I had. You're introduced to a lot of new experiences and you make a lot of mistakes. You fuck up and that's a given. You can't avoid it.

I met a lot of people, I lost a lot of people. I lost touch with someone who I never thought I would and that was such a reality check for me.

I failed classes, I aced classes. I made new beautiful friends. My mind set is in such a better place right now.

I cut my hair, I kissed people, I got so drunk I couldn't walk, I screamed, I loved, I hated, I healed.

I'm so excited for the new year to come: I turn 18, I get my P's, it's my last year of schooling, I'm going to get my first car, I have two tattoos lined up, year 12 formal and graduation.

Looking back on 2012, it wasn't bad but it was all that great either. I'm really glad for the things I got to do and experience this year, but I'm so ready for 2013 and what this year will bring.

What's not okay.

 

I'll admit it, 90% of the posts on this blog are about you. I always write about how I'll never write about you again. But you know what? It's okay to. It's okay to remember you and everything we were. I found all your letters the other day, and I didn't stumble upon them accidentally. Once again, I've written on here how I would never read them. But you know what? It's okay to. It's okay to read over your words.

I swore I fell in love with you all over again when I read them. My heart felt warm and I felt the familiarity that you gave me and that I was so scared to be without. I felt the familiarity that I haven't felt in two years. I read through my diary, and I felt the same thing. But as I got deeper into my journal that held your name on every page, I found myself getting angry at you. I felt angry for you making and letting me go through such things. I felt angry and hurt and sad all over again.

Your letters, your words, made me feel love again. My words, my pain, made me feel the stabbing pain I hide.

I didn't understand why this had to happen. I know that if you were still in my life, my life would be so different. I had a feeling of texting you again, or adding you online so we could talk. But you know what? That's not okay.

Because even though you were my first love, even though I was yours, even though we knew eachother better than the other did, even though I haven't been in love since, we still had our problems. We were still damaged and we still couldn't be together, and we probably still can't.

It's not okay to run back to the past when it made you unhappy, even if it is familiar and safe territory. A close friend of mine always says, make new memories. Make new memories. Replace the bad ones with good ones and I'm going to keep doing that. I hope you do the same.

"Best friends forever."

 

 

I've been reading old posts on this blog. They've made me smile, they've made me happy, they've made me nostalgic, they've made me cry. I have photos and writing about people who I swore to myself I would never let go. I felt capable to love them forever. One person in particular these posts have reminded me of, is someone who I considered blood. In fact, we were thicker than blood. I loved her, I loved her, oh did I love her. She was my everything. I remember her distintcly saying that we were going to grow old together. We were going to be old ladies sitting together and still crying from laughter and being ridiculous together. We promised each other "forever."

I've learnt that things change and sometimes you can't change how that is. You can't change a person, you can't save a person and you can't hold onto old memories because it hurts too much. Sometimes you have to let someone go, not just for their sake but for yours aswell. Sometimes shit happens and that's how life is. Nothing is forever and you have to appreciate what you have right here and right now.