I'll admit it, 90% of the posts on this blog are about you. I always write about how I'll never write about you again. But you know what? It's okay to. It's okay to remember you and everything we were. I found all your letters the other day, and I didn't stumble upon them accidentally. Once again, I've written on here how I would never read them. But you know what? It's okay to. It's okay to read over your words.
I swore I fell in love with you all over again when I read them. My heart felt warm and I felt the familiarity that you gave me and that I was so scared to be without. I felt the familiarity that I haven't felt in two years. I read through my diary, and I felt the same thing. But as I got deeper into my journal that held your name on every page, I found myself getting angry at you. I felt angry for you making and letting me go through such things. I felt angry and hurt and sad all over again.
Your letters, your words, made me feel love again. My words, my pain, made me feel the stabbing pain I hide.
I didn't understand why this had to happen. I know that if you were still in my life, my life would be so different. I had a feeling of texting you again, or adding you online so we could talk. But you know what? That's not okay.
Because even though you were my first love, even though I was yours, even though we knew eachother better than the other did, even though I haven't been in love since, we still had our problems. We were still damaged and we still couldn't be together, and we probably still can't.
It's not okay to run back to the past when it made you unhappy, even if it is familiar and safe territory. A close friend of mine always says, make new memories. Make new memories. Replace the bad ones with good ones and I'm going to keep doing that. I hope you do the same.
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