everything it so different now.

i remember when we met; i was sitting in gloria jeans waiting for you because my two best friends couldn’t make it. i was so nervous. i knew he knew something was up, that there was something between us. and there was, i could feel it from the night i met you. something incredible, i was too scared to let it happen though. so there i was, i kept looking for you and just when i didn’t expect it, this short, blue eyed kid is standing in front of me with a skateboard in his hand. you were so breath taking even though you were in worn out skinny jeans, a band tee-shirt and shoes that were obviously fucked. i actually had no clue what to do so i jumped up and hugged you. we walked around, talked about everything, went into every shop even though neither of us had money and i tried to help you find a job because your mum had thrown you out for not helping around the house. then you said “he treats you like shit, he’s a total bitch to you.” i had no idea how to respond, because i was so in love it blinded me by the fact that you were right. so we were sitting beside that wall, waiting for my dad. everytime i walk past it i feel like i’m there with you. like you are sitting right next to me. i love sitting there. you put our song on, the song that now kills me to listen to, that song that brings tears to my eyes everytime and the song that is US. {i know both of us could probably sing it backwards because we’ve listened to it so much.} i could feel you thinking, i could feel your thoughts running like crazy around your head. it was the first time we were together in the flesh and i felt like i could talk to you about anything and everything. we sat in silence for a few mintues and you put your hand on my cheek and kissed me. i would do anything to re-live that day. nearly three years ago and i think about it everyday. months passed and we soon learnt that we had something else; we argued with anything the other had to say. whether it was how amazing the other was, what band was better, tuggeranong or woden.. ANYTHING. you had never insulted me though, but this remark did. i told my friends that already didn’t like you {honestly, they still hate you.} what you had said. thinking now; it was the most stupid thing to fight over but we did anyway. it tore us apart and we stopped talking for a few months. one night i texted you, just saying hi. to be honest, i don’t remember what happened after except i felt on top of the world. i remember how much you wanted my friendship back, how much of an idiot you were for letting me walk out of your life like i did, how you never fought for me and how much you were in love with me you were since the night we first spoke to eachother. i believed you. i will never, ever get over you. every guy i’ve been with, i’ve felt like i need to make it special. i need to make it fancy and i need to be all dressed up. it never was special no matter how hard i tried. our six months - we were going to climb the mountain and watch the sunset; instead i got sick and had to go to the medical center in the early morning and was told i had glandular fevor. new years - that perfect kiss infront of fire works that i always wanted and i couldn’t bring myself to even lift my head to a guy that is wonderful. i think of it as fate. when i was with you i felt like i could have showed up without my hair brushed, no make-up and in the rattiest clothes and without you saying a word i would feel beautiful. for the past two years you’ve been telling me how beautiful, perfect, amazing and how in love with me you are. i never believed it. you know that lyric\quote “you can’t love someone until you love yourself” i think it is? that applyed so well. we made so many promises with eachother. you weren’t going to drink, smoke, do drugs, you would get into school and no more fights. i promised different things and we were set. we didn’t break them. you called me one morning; it was like eight and i was deep asleep. i picked up the phone saying “hello?” and i hear this amazing, familiar voice saying ”sucks being woken up hey?” i croaked out an “i hate you.” and laughed. i could tell you were drunk. really drunk. i was really worried but i kept talking. we hung up and texted like we usually do. you told me you got so drunk, you did drugs and you were expecting me to hate you. i was serious when i said i could never hate you, i only said it as a joke. except for the next few weeks ahead, is when i truly meant it. i was just so hurt that you had broken our promises that actually meant shit loads to me and i don’t think you’ll ever understand why. i’ll admit i sort of did over react but i only do it because i cared about you. ever since then everythings been different. you’re a different person and we don’t talk. i miss the old you. the one i met in year seven. i cried so much the night you told me the truth. you hadn’t quit smoking when you said you had, you drank and did drugs and there was practically none of my say in what my best friend did and you didn’t care. thinking now, yes, those things were silly to have an argument about, right? they wont do you much harm, right? you were having a bitch because i didn’t tell you about my new guy? you told her that you were wrong for me, that you had found someone else and you loved her and you knew i would find someone to love aswell. you loved her. ‘you love her? you love her? but you said you loved me and i love you.’ is honestly what i was thinking. it’s what i still think some days. i still don’t know what to believe if you really did break up with her when you were with me. it was more humiliating because i believed all your “i love you’s” and every seducing words you had lead me onto believe. i told you i was in love with you and the night after you told me you were in love with someone else. if you ever read this and finds things that aren’t true, it’s probably because they aren’t because that night i was such a mess i couldn’t thinking straight. i feel like a fool, so vunerable, so embaressed and so stupid. when i’m in bed some nights and i’m thinking; i feel like kicking your teeth in. others i feel like i literally need you and i don’t know how i’m even standing without you and your amazing words. when we broke up and you asked if i could ever picture a future with you? i could and i don’t know why i said differently. i still feel like you’re going to pop on msn and apoligize, that you’re going to text and apoligize and that you’re going to tell me you love me again, but you wont.