c.h, d.m.

i was just about to blog about how angry it makes me feel that you're friends with her and how well you get along with her and not me. but then i realised i have you two. these two amazing and beautiful people in my life that i know if i call or text them they'll give me time out of their own days and tell me the things i need to get through the day. it's also a new day and i have a book to read. good day fuckers.

the first night without you was so lonley.

i cried the most at night, i missed you the most at night. because while everyone was dreaming, we were up talking about everything. you were the one telling me everything was going to be okay.

do you remember anything at all? you were going to be my date to formal, regardless of the rules, who i was with or if you were in school. once i was old enough you and i were going to go get tattoos and peircings. we were going to watch movies and get drunk together. we were going to lie in the grass and watch the clouds go past. do you remember the day i told you everything was falling apart and that all i wanted to do was run away? and you said 'come on, let's go. i will take you anywhere.' and i knew you weren't joking around. do you remember the promises, the deals, the fights, the inside jokes. do you remember how you made me cry, how you make me scream, how you made me laugh uncontrolably, how you made me smile like a madman, and better yet how alive you made me feel. with you, i felt like i could do anything, be anything, like i could jump off a building and still be okay. i always had my doubts and you were always the first to know and always the first to tell me i was full of shit. remember the night we kissed and what you said to me? do you even remember loving me?

it was nice that you sent me a song from 'our' old band because the last song the sent me from them was months ago but also a song i like to think it still valid in our friendship. that is still real. it was even nicer the way you acted when i told you i was 'moving to boarding school.'

every breathe you t.. as if i'd sing that song to you.

i don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours. i don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer. i don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine. i don't want to be adored for what i merely represent to you. i don't want to be your babysitter, you're a very big boy now. i don't want to be your mother, i didn't carry you in my womb for nine months. i don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon and i don't want to be your other half, i believe that one and one make two. i don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face at midnight. i don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together. i don't want to be your idol, see this pedestal is high and i'm afraid of heights. i don't want to be lived through. i don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week. i don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart and it's wounded beat. i don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling. what do you thank me, what do you thank me for? visiting hours are nine to five and if i show up at ten past six well i already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in.

today i just had the sudden urge to not talk to you anymore.

everytime we talk you just act like a complete dick. even last night when i was trying to talk about what happened to us, you were still being a dick. every conversation's the same. we are not going to become friends again and we are never going to be anywhere close to how we used to be. i don't need you anymore. i've accepted that.