i want to fall for someone like i did for you. it's not that i'm still in love with you, it's just that i'm stuck in this numb and uncomfortable stance. i want you to be the hell out of my system. it feels like you've stained my skin. i want to stop blogging about you because it causes the wrong idea and it keeps reminding me of you.

"i think its better i did because now you've got someone amazing who really loves you."

i actually could not believe you said that. but when i thought about it? in ways it was and in ways it wasn't. going through all of that made me stronger, it made me realise what i should really look out for and what i'm actually worth. but you put me through hell, i can't even remember being in so much pain from someone like that. i am still hurt by it.

i like it when you're in class because i want you to see me laughing and smiling and i want you to go and tell him how happy i seem and i want him to realise that he isn't making me laugh anymore and he doesn't give me this smile.

you don't go to school. you chose not to. you don't have anything going for you, you sit at home pretty much everyday and if your not at home you're out with idiots getting drunk. so when you so you're tired and fed up? i just want to punch you in the face. take a look at yourself. you don't go to school everyday, you don't deal with anyone talking about you, you don't deal with rumours or any bullshit. yeah, that's true, you don't have anything going for you - but that's because you choose to live the way you do. no one else is responsible for your actions. this is your fuck up, and i am not helping you dig your way out.

and,

i like your hair. i like your eyes. i like it when you smile really hard or laugh and you get bumps around your eyes and your dimples stand out like crazy. i like it when you're confused but laugh anyway. i like how i can't keep a serious expression while looking at you. i like it when you joke around with me. i like that i look at you and think 'you can't be real.' i like it when you call me. i like it when you call me baby. i like it when you tell me things.

you you you.

when i get a text message and i instantly jump up and smile because i've been missing you. when ever i see you, whether you be looking happy or not, whether i be looking happy or not i still smile. i act like an idiot around you because i don't know what else to do. i hated that text you sent me the other day after school saying you felt like he made me happier than you do because i feel like i've failed to make you realise how much you mean to me.

i hate when ever we speak because you either try flirting with me or say something about me in a sexual\disgusting way. and i hate the fact that when i ask you about it, and say that i already have a boyfriend, you just say 'yeah because you you wont date me.' i don't want to fucking date you and i don't know what gives you the fucking idiot idea i do. you're disgusting and you're the one person i cannot forgive. sure i speak to you without having to sign offline crying anymore, sure i text you sometimes asking about how things are going or whatever, but you are the last person i want to date, you're a fucking pig. i've told you plenty of times i don't trust you and what's a relationship without trust? it's nothing. just like you.