i wonder if you'll notice if they locked me up and threw away the key. you've gotta be open minded, you've got alot to learn in the ways of me. you've always got to something to say, i'm none of your concern but you won't listen at all. you know i'd rather saying nothing and just be proud of myself, i'm tearing down these walls. when you fall, i'll be the only one who looks away. when you call, i'll be the first to tell you i can't stay. it's all over, i've found a better way to help keep you from me. i'm better off this way. you want it? you've got it. you've always been such a waste of time. you want it? you've got it. a friend of yours is no friend of mine. you want it? you've got it. when will you act your age? you want it? you've got it. you're the reason things have to change.

you and i are a story that never gets told.

so, i miss you all the time now. i don't think about much that isn't you, but other than that what we are does not feel like a cliche. it is something very completely new. they do not write books about the things we are. i like that. i like you. i like the way that you curve and bend and dip and arch and rise and fall, like a poem. i like the way you get drunk with your family, then come on msn to tell me i'm f-a-b. i like sitting in the passenger seat of your truck, it makes me feel like taylor swift. i like the muscle in your jaw that twitches when you sleep. i like trains, but they take so long to get to you. i like the way you dress. i like the way you undress. i like it when you lift my dress over my head, like they do in the movies, you know? i like having sex with you. i like the weight of you on top of me and i like the sweat that pools at the bottom of your back. i like writing with my fingertips on your skin all the things i cannot say. i always get lines from poems stuck in my head when you are around. yes - the springtime were in need of you. i like it when you sing. i like your hair - please don't grow it long again. i like who i am when i am with you. i like how you make me feel better. i am learning, i am. i like how you look at me and though i wish i did not, i love you.

i think this is the feeling i've been hiding from.

i don't know what it was, probably the song that was playing through my earphones, but i could see everything that's going to happen. this tense feeling between us will eventually die down, we'll move on from eachother and move onto something or someone different. we'll walk past eachother like we never knew eachother, we'll have someone elses fingers between our own. we'll be kissing different lips, we'll be whispering love words to different ears in different beds. we won't be eachothers. we'll move on, and i think that is the scariest of all.

now it's your turn to cry over me.

new phone, new number, new haircut, my birthday's coming up and i plan on changing my bedroom around completely. i'm re-creating myself, i'm changing myself. i will breathe without feeling guilty, i will go to bed without breaking down like i have the past week, i will walk past you with a real smile on my face, i will be a new person. honestly, i'm distracting myself.

it's working and i'm happy because at the end of the day, you were the one that fucked everything up. not me.

my head throbs, my chest aches, my throat stings, my eyes are sunken. i hate you so much.

to you, and to me.

maybe it's not because i'm scared of him doing something to himself because of me anymore, but maybe i'm scared of being without him? or having to go through a day without him? or having to go to his funeral, because believe me i've had that thought too many times. i've been doing it for the past week, i don't know how i've held myself together for so long. (i don't, i just come home and collapse.)