the reason why i don't regret anything anymore; it's not worth it.

i was lying in bed before, my knees up to my chin, tears rolling down my cheeks and listening to the song you sent me, that i've promised myself i won't listen to anymore. an all too familiar feeling came over me, everything started flooding back to me. i remembered lying in my dark bedroom and crying really loud. no one heard me, even though i sort of wanted someone to. i wanted someone to notice that i wasn't happy or okay, not for me to just break down at school. for someone else to take the time out of their day to help me. i would just go over everything i did wrong, everything i should have done, all the dissapointing things i did. every mistake i made. everything that i fucked up. the nights when i kept our conversation going through my mind when you rang me intoxicated at seven in the morning. asking myself what i had done that was so bad that you had to leave me. why my best friend would fucking ignore me everyday and why she didn't try to help me when she asked what was up with my arm. why was i so afraid to leave. why did i push the right people out and keep the wrong people in. why didn't anyone care. why was i alone. why did my family have to constantly fight with eachother. why was i even alive. it was at that point i realised i needed to wipe my tears away because no one else was going to. i needed to take a deep breath and move along, get over it, get out of my bed and do something. i needed to push those memories further to the back of my mind because i was doing so well of pretending they didn't happen, trying to forget everything. i can't let the past control me ever again, it's not worth it.