i had fun.

all i can remember is wanting to vomit, needing to pee, the time going too fast, falling asleep with a huge smile, just wanting someone to cuddle with, slapping myself and it not hurting, seeing boobs, texting you but wanting to be with him, stumbling, feeling dizzy, hiding your phone, singing 'i like big butts', telling everyone that they're beautiful, talking about you, not caring about what i was doing, laughing hysterically, hearing that i was being extremeley loud, the ice cream, going on tumblr, telling jake i felt really sick, not knowing how i got where i was, looking at the stars, the red sky, stepping on snails. this seems like a lot but when i look back on last night, i can hardly remember anything. i think that's why i feel so spaced out today.

this reminds me of you.

the reason i can easily say 'i don't need this' is because i know i don't. i want to be happy and i only want people around me that make that possible. you said you didn't know how i can say 'i just don't need this' and mean it, and to move on. but i guess it's because i've been where you are. i've had to chose between someone that 'causes nothing but pain even though they've been your best friend for ages or finding something new and better. no one's telling you what to do, we all understand that it is hard for you. i just want you to know that i'm here and i understand, because that's what i really wished someone had said to me.

i love how you call me darling, i love how you remembered i was saving my money, i love how your mum thinks i'm cute, i love how you didn't judge me for it, you just asked why, i love how we have arguments over who's cute, i love how tall you are, i love how even after four years i still feel like i carry you around with me somehow, i love knowing that in a years time you will be mine, i love how all you want to do is help other people, i love how i actually feel like you love me for who i am, i love your accent, i love how we promised eachother we wouldn't leave, i love how you know how to treat a girl, i love your weird taste in music, i love how you've always been there for me even when i've been too selfish with your love, i love the giggly feeling you give me, i love how i had that recording of you singing, i love how you really do make me feel like i'm not alone, i love the things we plan to do like our ten minute hug at the airport, i love how you helped me out of that hole.

i love planning things like this with you. we will lie in bed, we will watch the mighty boosh, we will cuddle and i will kiss you.

i find complete reasurance when i come home because i know you'll be online waiting to ask me how my day was, and knowing that if my day was bad you'll fix it, and if it was great then you'll make it even better.

i have never judged what you do, i even said those exact words to you. i don't care, i'm gonna judge, it's your life. so for you to come to me this morning and say that you're sorry and you want to be friends again, and then this afternoon go and spread shit about what me and my friends do on our weekends? i find that incredibly hypocritcal considering the shit you do.