i think this is the feeling i've been hiding from.

i don't know what it was, probably the song that was playing through my earphones, but i could see everything that's going to happen. this tense feeling between us will eventually die down, we'll move on from eachother and move onto something or someone different. we'll walk past eachother like we never knew eachother, we'll have someone elses fingers between our own. we'll be kissing different lips, we'll be whispering love words to different ears in different beds. we won't be eachothers. we'll move on, and i think that is the scariest of all.

now it's your turn to cry over me.

new phone, new number, new haircut, my birthday's coming up and i plan on changing my bedroom around completely. i'm re-creating myself, i'm changing myself. i will breathe without feeling guilty, i will go to bed without breaking down like i have the past week, i will walk past you with a real smile on my face, i will be a new person. honestly, i'm distracting myself.

it's working and i'm happy because at the end of the day, you were the one that fucked everything up. not me.

my head throbs, my chest aches, my throat stings, my eyes are sunken. i hate you so much.

to you, and to me.

maybe it's not because i'm scared of him doing something to himself because of me anymore, but maybe i'm scared of being without him? or having to go through a day without him? or having to go to his funeral, because believe me i've had that thought too many times. i've been doing it for the past week, i don't know how i've held myself together for so long. (i don't, i just come home and collapse.)

the reason i look so tired all the time at school? i spend my nights crying and beating myself up over this.

i have to do this, and i hope you will eventually see why. i hope you grow up and see what you've lost. i hope you put yourself back together, not tear yourself apart even more. i hope you realise how you've hurt me, i hope you realise that us together right now in any shape or form, is not going to work and most of all i hope you realise that what you've done is not okay. you asked me to give you one more chance. "just one more chance and i will try my hardest not to fuck it up and if i do ever hurt you as much as i have again, i want you to forget about me for awhile." you said it yourself, so i'm going to do it. i'm sick of being hurt and i'm sick of being lied to. i don't understand how someone can want someone else so much, but fucks everything up for them. because honestly, if you ever really loved me you would have stopped this long ago. if i had any real respect for myself, i would have done this long ago. apart of me is breaking even more because i'm not going to have you around, but another part of me is screaming "fuck you."