i'm reading the first posts i ever posted on this blog and i'm remembering the feelings i had when i wrote them. at first i was scared because i noticed how much of a bad place i was in, and as the posts go along i notice how much happier i seem and i know that was because of you. you pulled me out of that depression and i never told you. i was scared because i don't have you anymore and the thought of being how i used to be makes me sick and makes me think that all of this was for nothing.

fourth of june.

we had been spending the month before together quite alot. we'd hide in the corridors from teachers, we held hands in science, we kissed when your best friend walked to basketball training, we flirted like it was everyday conversation, people walked past talking and some even came up to us and asked if we were dating. i remember looking at your fingers and how they were tangled up in mine, looking up at your green eyes and smiling and saying "of course." a year ago today, you were walking me up to english. you stopped me at the first floor at school and spun me around and said "can i asking you something?" you looked so nervous, yet calm at the same time. i said "sure." you grabbed me and pulled me closer to you. you looked down, then back up at me. i asked you what you wanted to ask me, and you smiled and asked me to be your girlfriend. i can still remember the pain in my cheeks from smiling and the look on your face when i ''of course." i was so happy, i was so excited to see what would happen with you and me because i knew that what we had already, was special. i wanted to tell you everything about me, i wanted to experience everything possible with you. i honestly could not see myself being with anyone else in the world. you were so special to me, i would have done anything for you. we've gone through so much in the past year: from shyly holding hands in the lecture theatre, to roughly kissing behind brick walls. from screaming at eachother, to sharing a bed together. from walking home together, to becoming best friends. from breaking up, to making up, and doing that a few times over. now look at us. we went through everything together. somedays i know, i just know that i could never regret what we had. then others? i honestly wish i had never met you. i don't know how to feel anymore, some times i know i'll be just fine, but then others i feel like i'll never get over us.

will be good to me.

perfect.

you can't touch me now there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath. what you did to me boy, i can't forget. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath. i was under your spell for such a long time, couldn't break the chains. you played with my heart, tore me apart with your lies and games. it took all the strength i had but i crawled up on my feet again. now you're trying to lure me back, don't you know those days are gone my friend? i loved you so much that i thought that someday you would change. all you brought me was a heart full of pain. you can't touch me now there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back don't hold your breath. i was always worried about you but you didn't care about me, none. you took my money and i know you, you could kill someone. i gave you everything but nothing was ever enough. you were always jealous over crazy stuff. you can't touch me now, there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath. move on, don't look back, love is gone, face the facts. a bad movie ends and the screen fades black. what you did to me boy, i can't forget. you can't touch me now, there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath.

you want to talk, and it doesn't fucking suprise me. i said no, you asked if i had anything to say to you, i said no again. "not even to tell me how much of a dickhead i am?" "nope." because honestly i have nothing left to say to you, and even if i did, you don't deserve to hear it. i was thinking about it today, even if you had the nuts to come up to me and talk to me, i would have nothing to say except for you to go away. there are so many words that are always swimming around my mind, but i just don't know how to string them together. it was exhausting to know you, goodbye.

i wonder if you'll notice if they locked me up and threw away the key. you've gotta be open minded, you've got alot to learn in the ways of me. you've always got to something to say, i'm none of your concern but you won't listen at all. you know i'd rather saying nothing and just be proud of myself, i'm tearing down these walls. when you fall, i'll be the only one who looks away. when you call, i'll be the first to tell you i can't stay. it's all over, i've found a better way to help keep you from me. i'm better off this way. you want it? you've got it. you've always been such a waste of time. you want it? you've got it. a friend of yours is no friend of mine. you want it? you've got it. when will you act your age? you want it? you've got it. you're the reason things have to change.

you and i are a story that never gets told.

so, i miss you all the time now. i don't think about much that isn't you, but other than that what we are does not feel like a cliche. it is something very completely new. they do not write books about the things we are. i like that. i like you. i like the way that you curve and bend and dip and arch and rise and fall, like a poem. i like the way you get drunk with your family, then come on msn to tell me i'm f-a-b. i like sitting in the passenger seat of your truck, it makes me feel like taylor swift. i like the muscle in your jaw that twitches when you sleep. i like trains, but they take so long to get to you. i like the way you dress. i like the way you undress. i like it when you lift my dress over my head, like they do in the movies, you know? i like having sex with you. i like the weight of you on top of me and i like the sweat that pools at the bottom of your back. i like writing with my fingertips on your skin all the things i cannot say. i always get lines from poems stuck in my head when you are around. yes - the springtime were in need of you. i like it when you sing. i like your hair - please don't grow it long again. i like who i am when i am with you. i like how you make me feel better. i am learning, i am. i like how you look at me and though i wish i did not, i love you.