i will not be seeing you next year. i don't know what i'm more scared of, not being able to know you're alive or starting over at a new school.

don't you worry, there my honey. we might not have any money, but we've got our love to pay the bills. maybe i think you're cute and funny. maybe i want to do what bunnies do with you, if you know what i mean. lets get rich and buy our parents house in the south of france. lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance. lets get rich and build our house on a mountain, making everybody look like ants from way up there. you and i, you and i, you and i. well you might be abit confused, and you might be a little bit bruised but baby how we spoon like no one else. so i will help you read those books if you will soothe my worried looks and we will put the lonesome on the shelf. oh let's get rich and buy our parents house in the south of france. let's get rich and buy everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance. let's get rich and build a house on a mountain, making everybody look like ants. you and i, you and i, you and i.

i'm reading the first posts i ever posted on this blog and i'm remembering the feelings i had when i wrote them. at first i was scared because i noticed how much of a bad place i was in, and as the posts go along i notice how much happier i seem and i know that was because of you. you pulled me out of that depression and i never told you. i was scared because i don't have you anymore and the thought of being how i used to be makes me sick and makes me think that all of this was for nothing.

fourth of june.

we had been spending the month before together quite alot. we'd hide in the corridors from teachers, we held hands in science, we kissed when your best friend walked to basketball training, we flirted like it was everyday conversation, people walked past talking and some even came up to us and asked if we were dating. i remember looking at your fingers and how they were tangled up in mine, looking up at your green eyes and smiling and saying "of course." a year ago today, you were walking me up to english. you stopped me at the first floor at school and spun me around and said "can i asking you something?" you looked so nervous, yet calm at the same time. i said "sure." you grabbed me and pulled me closer to you. you looked down, then back up at me. i asked you what you wanted to ask me, and you smiled and asked me to be your girlfriend. i can still remember the pain in my cheeks from smiling and the look on your face when i ''of course." i was so happy, i was so excited to see what would happen with you and me because i knew that what we had already, was special. i wanted to tell you everything about me, i wanted to experience everything possible with you. i honestly could not see myself being with anyone else in the world. you were so special to me, i would have done anything for you. we've gone through so much in the past year: from shyly holding hands in the lecture theatre, to roughly kissing behind brick walls. from screaming at eachother, to sharing a bed together. from walking home together, to becoming best friends. from breaking up, to making up, and doing that a few times over. now look at us. we went through everything together. somedays i know, i just know that i could never regret what we had. then others? i honestly wish i had never met you. i don't know how to feel anymore, some times i know i'll be just fine, but then others i feel like i'll never get over us.

will be good to me.

perfect.

you can't touch me now there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath. what you did to me boy, i can't forget. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath. i was under your spell for such a long time, couldn't break the chains. you played with my heart, tore me apart with your lies and games. it took all the strength i had but i crawled up on my feet again. now you're trying to lure me back, don't you know those days are gone my friend? i loved you so much that i thought that someday you would change. all you brought me was a heart full of pain. you can't touch me now there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back don't hold your breath. i was always worried about you but you didn't care about me, none. you took my money and i know you, you could kill someone. i gave you everything but nothing was ever enough. you were always jealous over crazy stuff. you can't touch me now, there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath. move on, don't look back, love is gone, face the facts. a bad movie ends and the screen fades black. what you did to me boy, i can't forget. you can't touch me now, there's no feeling left. if you think i'm coming back, don't hold your breath.

you want to talk, and it doesn't fucking suprise me. i said no, you asked if i had anything to say to you, i said no again. "not even to tell me how much of a dickhead i am?" "nope." because honestly i have nothing left to say to you, and even if i did, you don't deserve to hear it. i was thinking about it today, even if you had the nuts to come up to me and talk to me, i would have nothing to say except for you to go away. there are so many words that are always swimming around my mind, but i just don't know how to string them together. it was exhausting to know you, goodbye.