I don't want to be stuck in a job I hate. I don't want to be tied down. I don't want a mortgage. I don't want to be scared. I don't want cancer. I don't want to depend on other people do much. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't want to be alone. I want someone I can text at any time of the day and have them come over so we can mess around in bed like we used to. I want this hole to fill and I want this pain to subside. I want a new habit. I don't want this life. Truth be told, I don't know what I want or who I am or what's going to happen to me.

“I can choose to indulge in my frustrations or I can choose to create a habit of happiness. It’s not easy but it’s worth the fight.”

When I first met you I thought nothing of it. I was in a mind set where I was sure I wouldn't be with someone for awhile. When we first started talking I thought, wow, you are brilliant. Then when we hung out for the first time and gradually spent more time either together or texting or messaging and getting to know eachother I thought, wow, you are everything I've been looking for in someone. I don't want this post to be about yet another depressing break up because even though towards the end of our relationship you let me down, that was news to me because the rest of you and I were so perfect. We weren't together for a long time but I knew you were special. I don't regret you or anything like that. I'm so happy I met you and I'm so happy you gave me a few months of pure happiness. I've tried to think of your faults lately to stop myself from knowing that I've lost someone who was perfect for me but you really had none except for your big mouth, which was what broke us apart. And you know what, I do deserve better. Not someone else, but from you. I have no sympathy towards you. I thought you were different and maybe you still are but for now you're being a coward. I know I had more to give, I had so many plans for us, and I'm not sorry for anything.

The good times and the bad times both will pass. It will pass. It will get easier. But the fact that it will get easier does not mean that it doesn’t hurt now. And when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, that it won’t get better. Because it will.

Oh how, pretty is the middle of June?

I dont have many followers on here but when I wrote on here more frequently, I liked knowing some people knew my story or could hear me in some way and I always appreciated the comments or advice left. Again, alot has been happening since I've last posted. I've started college, and to be honest I can't see myself getting through it and I can't see myself being anywhere else but there. The past few months have been very confusing in that factor of my life. I'm confused as to what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, should I even be here when I don't want to be. Why should I do things I don't want to. I'm very doubtful. Apart from school, I have met an amazing guy who I now call my boyfriend. He's the best thing that has happened to me in so long. I've figured out what my passion is and I'm trying to just work with that for now. I'm dealing with things as they come, and sometimes it comes all too fast for me to handle but I'm doing the best I can without losing my shit completely. I don't like posting on this blog much just because it reminds me of things I've tried and forced myself to forget but if anyone of you are interested my main blog now is www.slowroomburningdance.tumblr.com and my personal blog is www.yourloveisafe.tumblr.com . I think I still will post on here, but just very very rarely. Thank you all for listening.

Cut, cut, cut it away.