honestly? i feel like i'm good enough for you. the reason i hate her? she's all fun, friendly, outgoing and you seem to need her more than me. yes, my family is full of secrets. i will tell you everything if you really want, i wouldn't have a problem doing so. now i'm not saying i want you to change anything, i just don't feel that our friendship is as strong when she's around. i love you so fucking much and i would do anything for you. i don't know what else to do or say.

we will love again, just not eachother.

i don't know who i want to be.

it's hurt knowing that you would rather be hanging out with someone else, it really hurt when i was told you wouldn't come out with us the other night because you didn't want to deal with me and it really fucking hurt when you said that i'm the reason you would rather be with other people instead of us. i was sitting at my computer screen just listening to your ranting at me, which was about me. i was sitting there with tears in my eyes and just taking it all in because that's what i do. you're one of the very little group of people who i listen to and who i'm willing to change for but lately i just couldn't give a fuck and that scares me. i can't even look you in the eye, i don't know what i believe anymore. you may not be moving four hours away anymore, but it sure feels like you already have and you're not even a ten minute walk away. you're one of my best friends and i would put you infront of almost anyone, but when it comes to me it seems i'm always the second option. or third, or fourth.

i'm a mess. that's the best way to describe it. having no time for myself is the only way i can fight it. when i'm alone it's like i'm staring into a mirror, i don't know the person that's inside it and that's never been any clearer. this meant something more to me, there's hole in my heart when you used to be. i still wish you the best of luck, baby. don't go thinking that this way a waste of time. i couldn't forget you if i tried. you killed what was left of the good in me. i'm tired so let me be broken.

i like how i can talk to you about anything and you don't judge me for it or ask anything questions that you some how know will make me feel uncomfortable or upset me. i like how you say my hugs feel right. i like how we have fair few things in common. i like how you're normal. knowing that you've been hurt like i have makes me look at you in a different way, like a beautiful way and i like that. i'm liking getting to know you.

i can still hear your voice.

i've thought about that day ever since it happened. i would have given anything to be anywhere else in the world. i think that was one of the scariest things i've ever gone through, just thinking the last word you said to me could have been the last. i could see myself at your funeral, i could see your mum looking at me and feeling like it was my fault. i could see myself trying to deal with it later on, going to school and having everyone around me either think 'that's the girl who drove him mad enough to go home and kill himself.' i can't even describe the feeling i had when i was told he was going to be fine. i remember going to bed and still hearing him yelling and repeating himself over and over for weeks. i hate you for putting me through that. my counciler asked me if that was out of character for him. i said yes. she then asked me you had ever self harmed and i regret my answer so much.