“I can choose to indulge in my frustrations or I can choose to create a habit of happiness. It’s not easy but it’s worth the fight.”

When I first met you I thought nothing of it. I was in a mind set where I was sure I wouldn't be with someone for awhile. When we first started talking I thought, wow, you are brilliant. Then when we hung out for the first time and gradually spent more time either together or texting or messaging and getting to know eachother I thought, wow, you are everything I've been looking for in someone. I don't want this post to be about yet another depressing break up because even though towards the end of our relationship you let me down, that was news to me because the rest of you and I were so perfect. We weren't together for a long time but I knew you were special. I don't regret you or anything like that. I'm so happy I met you and I'm so happy you gave me a few months of pure happiness. I've tried to think of your faults lately to stop myself from knowing that I've lost someone who was perfect for me but you really had none except for your big mouth, which was what broke us apart. And you know what, I do deserve better. Not someone else, but from you. I have no sympathy towards you. I thought you were different and maybe you still are but for now you're being a coward. I know I had more to give, I had so many plans for us, and I'm not sorry for anything.

The good times and the bad times both will pass. It will pass. It will get easier. But the fact that it will get easier does not mean that it doesn’t hurt now. And when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, that it won’t get better. Because it will.

Oh how, pretty is the middle of June?

I dont have many followers on here but when I wrote on here more frequently, I liked knowing some people knew my story or could hear me in some way and I always appreciated the comments or advice left. Again, alot has been happening since I've last posted. I've started college, and to be honest I can't see myself getting through it and I can't see myself being anywhere else but there. The past few months have been very confusing in that factor of my life. I'm confused as to what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, should I even be here when I don't want to be. Why should I do things I don't want to. I'm very doubtful. Apart from school, I have met an amazing guy who I now call my boyfriend. He's the best thing that has happened to me in so long. I've figured out what my passion is and I'm trying to just work with that for now. I'm dealing with things as they come, and sometimes it comes all too fast for me to handle but I'm doing the best I can without losing my shit completely. I don't like posting on this blog much just because it reminds me of things I've tried and forced myself to forget but if anyone of you are interested my main blog now is www.slowroomburningdance.tumblr.com and my personal blog is www.yourloveisafe.tumblr.com . I think I still will post on here, but just very very rarely. Thank you all for listening.

Cut, cut, cut it away.

Goodbye.

I've said to myself numerous times that it's over, done with. I've wrote about it on my blogs, in my journals, I've said it to my self over and over. My phone died today so I had to find my old one that had hundreds of messages and multiple photos of you and I on it. I deleted the messages a long time ago but the photos were still on my memory, and in my memory. I deleted them without even thinking. Us kissing in the park, the photos of I took of your lanky arms and the curves around your mouth when you smiled really hard that I never wanted to forget. Gone, without even a second look. I found the last photo that we took together, that I know is on my computer somewhere but I noticed the date. 12th of April, 2012. 1 year + 5 days ago you were standing out on my front porch with me in your jacket. That night was one of the last times I gave you another chance. I remember because I was so nervous about seeing you because I hadn't spoken to you in a couple days because we were in a fight. You gave me possibly the last letter you had ever written me that night. I read it and cried and texted you telling you I was glad you were still in my life. I'm happy with myself for not wanting those photos anymore, I'm happy with myself for not having anything to do with you for almost the past year - And I'm not saying this now because I have someone new. To be honest, I don't know what it is. Sometimes I miss you, but then I realise that I miss who I thought you were. I miss the made-up boy I had in my head. I don't want to be with you, I will never be with someone like you. I don't want to speak to you ever again for as long as I'm breathing, I hope that last time that we spoke is burnt into your memory and I hope it hurts. I'm not bitter, I just hope you realise every single day how much of a fuck-up you are. I don't want anything to do with you. But I guess you still occupy apart of me still. I haven't deleted the songs of your favourite band off my ipod yet. I'm not sure if it's because I like them or because you liked them. And I haven't thrown your letters or my old journals that are filled with words about you out yet either. I haven't read them in months. Everytime I do I end up doing more pain to myself than neccesary. I've been scared of losing you, mentally and phsyically for too long. I've tried so many different ways to do it and I've learnt that doing it my way is the only way considerable. Many people have given me all sorts of advice, no, the only way I got through it was through time and pain and lonliness. The scars on my body will fade, I will delete your songs and I will throw away your letters all in good time. I will do it when I'm good and ready. I'm over you. I'm seeing my new guy in two days and soon I will be covered in his arms and his kisses and his words. Oh dear god, his sweet and beautiful words. Goodbye.