I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned. I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned. I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side. I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.

I’m not angry because you’re dating someone, infact if you hadn’t acted so childish and cowardly I would be happy for you. But you chose to do the wrong thing, which was to hurt the person who cared for you the most. I’m angry because you’ve cut me out of your life like we never happened. I’m angry because you’re dating the girl who ultimately broke us up. I’m angry because you told me you loved me and that you would always be there for me, and the next night you delete me from everything. I’m angry because I loved you back. I’m angry that I have no explanation. I’m angry that you’ve treated me like nothing, and that you’ve made me feel like fucking nothing. I have never felt so betrayed or not good enough in so long. It took be over a year to date again because of him, and I felt safe going into your arms. And now that you’ve done this? I hate you. Those three words have no emphasis on a website but they’re the only words I can find right now. I hate you so much that I wouldn’t care if you ODed again. I don’t care that you harmed yourself. I don’t care that you were suicidal and I don’t care if you still are. I wouldn’t care if I saw you bleeding. I don’t care because you didn’t care that I was going through or doing all these things, too.

So nearlly a month ago I woke to my boyfriend's ex girlfriend sending me message about how my boyfriend said numerous things. She also sent me the screen caps of their conversation. These things included, 1. I do not sexually satisfy him. When a weekend before that I was at his house, and it did not seem like I wasn't satisfying him. This was the last time I saw him because he pretty much stopped communicating with me except for small talk on Facebook. 2. He said that he liked her more than he liked me, and that he couldn't dump me because I was too attatched. When not long after this I was sitting with him where we usually did, and he told me about how attatched to me he was and that he felt stupid because he thought I didn't feel the same way. Regardless of these things, I spent hours on the phone with him listening to him explain that it was all taken out of context, that everything he said was a joke and people should learn to figure out when he's joking. I made myself forgive him, I told myself it wasn't a big deal, because I honestly wanted to be with him so much, that I believed he was the victim. You told me you would never speak to your ex, that she was dead to you and you wouldn't let this ruin us. You told me you would always be there for me, and I felt okay. I felt that we were on edge but I didn't think that what's happened since then would have ever happened. We got off the phone, you said you loved me and you said you would always be there for me. I thought we were so lovely together. We got along so well, there was never a dull moment. You were constantly telling me how beautiful I was, you were constantly telling me how I was the perfect girl for you. And I believed you. You had me convinced we were going to last years, and I could feel that we were. I can still hear the way you strung your words together to make me melt, I can still feel your touch on my body and it makes me cringe. The next night you tell me you think we aren't working, ON FUCKING FACEBOOK. We aren't going to work, because you feel nothing let alone anything for me because you had lost your best friend. You said I deserved better and I agreed. I agreed that I deserved better, from you. So despite him saying he loved me, and that he would always be there for me he then proceeded to delete me from Facebook and ignore my messages. I haven't spoken to him since, because he refuses to make any kind of contact with me. I spent awile on my own and not speaking to anyone and just trying to accept that he wasn't in my life anymore. And recently I've been keeping myself distracted until I read online that you and your ex are friends again. That pissed me off. Tonight I read you and your ex are dating. I am beyond fucking pissed off. I have no words to explain how hurt and betrayed I am, I am literally shaking. It's not the fact that he is dating someone, but because he's dating the person he said he hated and that if he ever saw her, he would punch her in the face even though he's against hitting women. I swear, you had better hope I'm not by myself if I ever see you again because I will fucking rip you to shreds you fucking peice of shit. You were the biggest waste of time, I wish I had never met you and I wish I had never let myself fall for you. I'm at the place where I just want to see you in pain. I want to see you crying and bleeding and I want to cause the bleeding. Mother fucking fuck, how dare you do this to me. I deserve fucking respect you cunt. I don't feel like crying, because you don't deserve my tears. I want this feeling to go away and the one way I can think of I told myself I wouldn't.

Fuck you for making me feel like this. Fuck you for making me feel like I deserved this. Fuck you for using me. Fuck your words and your lies. Fuck yourself. I am so much better than you. When you dumped me over Facebook and said that I deserve better, and I agreed? I meant from you. I deserved better from you. But now, hell fucking yes I deserve better than you.

I haven't felt this nice is long time. I've forgotten what this feels like. I used to always open up my window when I was feeling like shit at night, because that's when the best kind of breeze would fly through. I would stick my head out my window, and I could forget about all the crazy shit that would be going on down stairs. I don't know why, but it was such a beautiful feeling and I don't know why I haven't done this in so long. I think I've been hiding myself away. I don't want to do that anymore. I am a good person and I deserve love and respect in every form, and I won't stop trying until I get it.

I'm strong, fucking hell I am. It's scary to say but I'll get through this. Having the thought in my mind makes me feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff with no one to catch me. But I'll keep these thoughts because I am fucking strong.

I don't want to be stuck in a job I hate. I don't want to be tied down. I don't want a mortgage. I don't want to be scared. I don't want cancer. I don't want to depend on other people do much. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't want to be alone. I want someone I can text at any time of the day and have them come over so we can mess around in bed like we used to. I want this hole to fill and I want this pain to subside. I want a new habit. I don't want this life. Truth be told, I don't know what I want or who I am or what's going to happen to me.