I dont have many followers on here but when I wrote on here more frequently, I liked knowing some people knew my story or could hear me in some way and I always appreciated the comments or advice left. Again, alot has been happening since I've last posted. I've started college, and to be honest I can't see myself getting through it and I can't see myself being anywhere else but there. The past few months have been very confusing in that factor of my life. I'm confused as to what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, should I even be here when I don't want to be. Why should I do things I don't want to. I'm very doubtful. Apart from school, I have met an amazing guy who I now call my boyfriend. He's the best thing that has happened to me in so long. I've figured out what my passion is and I'm trying to just work with that for now. I'm dealing with things as they come, and sometimes it comes all too fast for me to handle but I'm doing the best I can without losing my shit completely. I don't like posting on this blog much just because it reminds me of things I've tried and forced myself to forget but if anyone of you are interested my main blog now is www.slowroomburningdance.tumblr.com and my personal blog is www.yourloveisafe.tumblr.com . I think I still will post on here, but just very very rarely. Thank you all for listening.

Cut, cut, cut it away.

Goodbye.

I've said to myself numerous times that it's over, done with. I've wrote about it on my blogs, in my journals, I've said it to my self over and over. My phone died today so I had to find my old one that had hundreds of messages and multiple photos of you and I on it. I deleted the messages a long time ago but the photos were still on my memory, and in my memory. I deleted them without even thinking. Us kissing in the park, the photos of I took of your lanky arms and the curves around your mouth when you smiled really hard that I never wanted to forget. Gone, without even a second look. I found the last photo that we took together, that I know is on my computer somewhere but I noticed the date. 12th of April, 2012. 1 year + 5 days ago you were standing out on my front porch with me in your jacket. That night was one of the last times I gave you another chance. I remember because I was so nervous about seeing you because I hadn't spoken to you in a couple days because we were in a fight. You gave me possibly the last letter you had ever written me that night. I read it and cried and texted you telling you I was glad you were still in my life. I'm happy with myself for not wanting those photos anymore, I'm happy with myself for not having anything to do with you for almost the past year - And I'm not saying this now because I have someone new. To be honest, I don't know what it is. Sometimes I miss you, but then I realise that I miss who I thought you were. I miss the made-up boy I had in my head. I don't want to be with you, I will never be with someone like you. I don't want to speak to you ever again for as long as I'm breathing, I hope that last time that we spoke is burnt into your memory and I hope it hurts. I'm not bitter, I just hope you realise every single day how much of a fuck-up you are. I don't want anything to do with you. But I guess you still occupy apart of me still. I haven't deleted the songs of your favourite band off my ipod yet. I'm not sure if it's because I like them or because you liked them. And I haven't thrown your letters or my old journals that are filled with words about you out yet either. I haven't read them in months. Everytime I do I end up doing more pain to myself than neccesary. I've been scared of losing you, mentally and phsyically for too long. I've tried so many different ways to do it and I've learnt that doing it my way is the only way considerable. Many people have given me all sorts of advice, no, the only way I got through it was through time and pain and lonliness. The scars on my body will fade, I will delete your songs and I will throw away your letters all in good time. I will do it when I'm good and ready. I'm over you. I'm seeing my new guy in two days and soon I will be covered in his arms and his kisses and his words. Oh dear god, his sweet and beautiful words. Goodbye.

Did you know that you can be wrong and swear you're right? Some people have been known to do it all their life. But you've found yourself alone just like you found yourself before, like I found myself in peices on the hotel floor. Hard times have helped me see, I'm a good man with a good heart, had a tough time, had a rough start. But I've finally learnt to let it go. I'm right here and I'm right now, and I'm open knowing somehow my shadow days are over. I ain't no trouble maker and I never meant her harm. But that doesn't mean I didn't make it hard to carry on. Well it sucks to be honest and it hurts to be real. But it's nice to make some love that I can finally feel. My shadow days are over. My shadow days are over.

I'm stuck and I'm scared. The fact that everyone around me seems to know what they're doing scares me more, because I go day to day hoping no one calls my name. I feel alone, but it's not bothering me as much as it used to. Everyone important to me seems to just be walking out of my life without a struggle and I'm dreading the day everyone is gone. I feel like I should talk to someone but whenever I'm asked if I'm okay the words either get jumbled together or they spill out and I can't control them and no one takes notice. I feel like running away. I keep thinking that a 16 year old can't experience lonliness or anxiety like I do, but if I'm not supposed to know what these words mean how do I know how they feel? I'm not a kid anymore and telling me I 'just have no idea' sucks.

As blunt as this is and as much as you don't want to hear it, sometimes you just have to get over it. Life dealt you a bad hand and it's going to keep happening and unless you get over it or find a better way to deal with it, because you can't spend your whole life letting people treat you like a fucking door mat. People don't tell you what's what, you tell them. Don't let people fuck you around because I know you're better than that. Just think, in a couple of years will this matter? Sometimes it will and sometimes it seems like nothing is going to get better but it fucking does. Things change constantly. You think that time you had over complete and utter happiness was too short? Well sadness is the same, it comes and it goes. Situations change and people change and feelings change. So fucking stand up for yourself and get your shit together because life doesn't stop for anyone and it'll pass you right by.

I've got no idea when I'm coming home and all I want is to be left the fuck alone. I'm only being real, the depression comes and goes - Ignore it 'cause tonight there is yet another show. Looking in the mirror like 'what the fuck am I starin' at?' Not recognizing the brittle mess that is staring back so I'm givin' you the deepest shit you ever heard. With what I see though it makes it hard for me to put my trust in them, all it takes is one person to fail you and then you feel like majority will fail too. My insecurities will swallow me whole and when they arise yo, I'm not in control. No, that's rude, find a bridge and jump off. And if I tell you to fuck off, then fuck off. That's not me bein' immature about it
That's me admitting I'm insecure about it and I'm sorry if I'm seeming insane but I wrote this while I was at the peak of the pain. But now it's got me thinking I should keep it to myself. But I can't, I need it 'cause it helps. I hope you don't mind if I spill my pain. The longer that I don't is like I'm going insane, can I let it all out?